My oncologists will not look at me

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Katherine85
Katherine85 Member Posts: 11
in Colorectal Cancer #1
I have 2 oncologists, one in the town I live, who is also working together with an oncologist in Chicago. When I go for my appointments, neither one of them will look at me! They talk to my husband like I am not even in the room.

Does anyone else experience this?

Katherine

Comments

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #2
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    Very strange
    It may be that they have gotten the impression that you want your husband to take the lead. Some patients prefer that.

    I suggest that you be the one to ask the questions and get your husband to stand close to you so that they actually have you in their line of sight when responding.

    If these 'subtle' things don't work, just tell them...I am here...you can talk with me.

    Marie who loves kitties
  • Katherine85
    Katherine85 Member Posts: 11
    #3
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    Lovekitties said:

    Very strange
    It may be that they have gotten the impression that you want your husband to take the lead. Some patients prefer that.

    I suggest that you be the one to ask the questions and get your husband to stand close to you so that they actually have you in their line of sight when responding.

    If these 'subtle' things don't work, just tell them...I am here...you can talk with me.

    Marie who loves kitties

    Hi Marie: I am the one who
    Hi Marie: I am the one who asks the questions. The oncologists NEVER look at me. They answer to my husband and give information regarding my care to him as well. It is very disconcerting when they do not look at me when speaking.
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    #4
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    Man Thing?
    Hi Katherine

    I would just have an open discussion and tell them what YOU need, since this directly concerns you.

    If they continue to look by you, it may be time to consider a switch to another practice, who can have the common sense to treat you as any person would like to be treated.

    Acknowledgment is a pretty big deal - if you don't see me, how can you expect me to respect you and your opinion?

    We have to have trust and mutual respect in these relationships, are the show's off.

    Just be honest - and then if it doesn't change, you vote with your feet and your car keys.

    -Craig
  • danker
    danker Member Posts: 1,276 Member
    #5
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    oncologists
    I fired my firt oncologist because I thought he was a jerk. Selected a lady onc who is i real gem. Perhaps you should make a change? We have to have faith in our doctors and be able to work with them Best of luck to you in the future.
  • have2believe
    have2believe Member Posts: 134
    #6
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    i've gone through this too..
    My mom is not fluent in English. I'm in the room and I ask most of the questions and translate. I understand there is a language barrier, but sometimes I wish my mom's onc would look at her and be more expressive, use more eye contact. I understand it might be difficult because I'm the one usually doing the talking, but I wish the onc would reach out to her more. I think this happens way too often also. Another time, I took my mom to major cancer center and the onc was fluent in my mom's native tongue, but preferred to talk to me in English. My mom would speak and then the dr would look at me and respond. I was annoyed because I wanted the dr to talk to her directly. Sometimes, I'll just tell the dr to look at my mom and tell her to eat more because it's coming from the dr. For me, it's frustrating, but it bothers me more than my mom.

    I think it is a challenge to bring this up because it might be awkward, but if you feel strongly about it, one day, if it's not a major appointment, would it help going by yourself?
  • Katherine85
    Katherine85 Member Posts: 11
    #7
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    have2believe said:

    i've gone through this too..
    My mom is not fluent in English. I'm in the room and I ask most of the questions and translate. I understand there is a language barrier, but sometimes I wish my mom's onc would look at her and be more expressive, use more eye contact. I understand it might be difficult because I'm the one usually doing the talking, but I wish the onc would reach out to her more. I think this happens way too often also. Another time, I took my mom to major cancer center and the onc was fluent in my mom's native tongue, but preferred to talk to me in English. My mom would speak and then the dr would look at me and respond. I was annoyed because I wanted the dr to talk to her directly. Sometimes, I'll just tell the dr to look at my mom and tell her to eat more because it's coming from the dr. For me, it's frustrating, but it bothers me more than my mom.

    I think it is a challenge to bring this up because it might be awkward, but if you feel strongly about it, one day, if it's not a major appointment, would it help going by yourself?

    It is very annoying when the
    It is very annoying when the doctor acts like I am not even in the room. At first, this doctor told me I had 2 years or less to live. The doctor in Chicago believes that he can do surgery to remove the tumors and give me more time. I wonder if it is hard for them to look at patients they know are dying and there is not really much they can do for them. That is how it feels to me. He just cannot look at me but I need him to look me in the eyes and tell me what we are going to do and what I need to expect.

    I am waiting until January when they make a decision if they can do surgery or not. If they decide they cannot, I will definitely get another opinion and new oncologist.

    I will keep your Mom in my prayers.

    Katherine
  • paris11
    paris11 Member Posts: 159
    #8
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    Katherine85 said:

    It is very annoying when the
    It is very annoying when the doctor acts like I am not even in the room. At first, this doctor told me I had 2 years or less to live. The doctor in Chicago believes that he can do surgery to remove the tumors and give me more time. I wonder if it is hard for them to look at patients they know are dying and there is not really much they can do for them. That is how it feels to me. He just cannot look at me but I need him to look me in the eyes and tell me what we are going to do and what I need to expect.

    I am waiting until January when they make a decision if they can do surgery or not. If they decide they cannot, I will definitely get another opinion and new oncologist.

    I will keep your Mom in my prayers.

    Katherine

    Hi Katherine
    That your physician ignores you is more than annoying. His ignorance is insulting. I too live in Chicago. I am being treated at Northwestern.

    If I can be of help, see me a message.

    Connie
  • Semira
    Semira Member Posts: 381 Member
    #9
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    I would...
    straightly ask him why he doesn't look at you. Best case he isn't aware of the fact. Worst case he does not have any answer... then perhaps you should change to a less ignorant doc.

    A hug from Germany
    Petra
  • StacyGleaso
    StacyGleaso Member Posts: 1,233 Member
    #10
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    Katherine85 said:

    It is very annoying when the
    It is very annoying when the doctor acts like I am not even in the room. At first, this doctor told me I had 2 years or less to live. The doctor in Chicago believes that he can do surgery to remove the tumors and give me more time. I wonder if it is hard for them to look at patients they know are dying and there is not really much they can do for them. That is how it feels to me. He just cannot look at me but I need him to look me in the eyes and tell me what we are going to do and what I need to expect.

    I am waiting until January when they make a decision if they can do surgery or not. If they decide they cannot, I will definitely get another opinion and new oncologist.

    I will keep your Mom in my prayers.

    Katherine

    Chicago???
    Katherine,

    Is your surgeon @ University of Chicago? That's where I had mine done, over 10 yrs ago! He was head of surgery then, Dr. Michelassi. Now he's @ Cornell in New York. Dr. Mitchell Posner and Dr. Roger Hurst are also FANTASTIC surgeons @ University of Chicago.

    I live in Indiana, right over the border.

    Hope you're soon on the road to healthy!

    Stacy
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    #11
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    StacyGleaso said:

    Chicago???
    Katherine,

    Is your surgeon @ University of Chicago? That's where I had mine done, over 10 yrs ago! He was head of surgery then, Dr. Michelassi. Now he's @ Cornell in New York. Dr. Mitchell Posner and Dr. Roger Hurst are also FANTASTIC surgeons @ University of Chicago.

    I live in Indiana, right over the border.

    Hope you're soon on the road to healthy!

    Stacy

    Hugs stranger
    {{{{{{{{Stacy}}}}}}} Ron.
  • luvinlife2
    luvinlife2 Member Posts: 172 Member
    #12
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    Been there too...
    My first oncologist did that as well. My personal thoughts were that he had a problem dealing with women (turns out he did as the nurses couldn't stand him either). At any rate, I found myself a much better oncologist. One that was secure in his own skin and left his ego at home.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do! :)
  • StacyGleaso
    StacyGleaso Member Posts: 1,233 Member
    #13
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    ron50 said:

    Hugs stranger
    {{{{{{{{Stacy}}}}}}} Ron.

    Hi Ron!!!
    Long time no "see" Ron!!!!!

    Hardly ever cruise back here, don't feel like I know anyone here anymore!! Good to see a familiar name!!

    Hugs to you!!
  • steveandnat
    steveandnat Member Posts: 886
    #14
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    very strange
    Next time you go take a flag with you and when they ignore you stand up and start waving your flag!!! That should get their attention ha!! Sometimes the Dr pays more attention to my wife than me. I think they are more coherent with no chemo brain. Jeff
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #15
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    I wondered if I should
    I wondered if I should answer thiss post. I suffer the same experiences as you, but for different reasons. I am a female engineer (not caucasian). When we go to a site and there is a caucasian male next to me (albeit working under me), the same thing happens. When I go to buy a car, the guy talks to my husband, even though I am the one who used to work with a major auto company.

    My asthma doc wouldn't look me in the eye, but I let it go becuz he is the best in the area and he patiently answered my questions.

    This is a major guy thing. Sometimes I go to meetings by myself so I can establish myself as an alpha. Sometimes I get blunt and just say, I don't know why you are directing everything to my husband, I am the one with the money
    .
    Different ways of handling it. If your care is really good, I would try to be blunt and work in a joke to lighten the blow.

    One guy did something on a site and kept telling me about being in the kitchen andwhat I should be doing. I have 2 degrees. One day he went to tuck in his shirt and I said loudly "OMG what are you doing? Someone please get me a microscope." It was loud so that the other guys heard me. They joked him the rest of the day and I never had problems out of him.


    What I learned is that I don't get upset over it. It takes too much energy. I address it, but don't get upset over it. I don't care what his demeanor is as long as he gets my work done and doesn't blow my questions off profesionally. If there is an obatacle in me getting (care or work), then I start acting like I am Katniss in Hunger Games.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #16
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    ketziah35 said:

    I wondered if I should
    I wondered if I should answer thiss post. I suffer the same experiences as you, but for different reasons. I am a female engineer (not caucasian). When we go to a site and there is a caucasian male next to me (albeit working under me), the same thing happens. When I go to buy a car, the guy talks to my husband, even though I am the one who used to work with a major auto company.

    My asthma doc wouldn't look me in the eye, but I let it go becuz he is the best in the area and he patiently answered my questions.

    This is a major guy thing. Sometimes I go to meetings by myself so I can establish myself as an alpha. Sometimes I get blunt and just say, I don't know why you are directing everything to my husband, I am the one with the money
    .
    Different ways of handling it. If your care is really good, I would try to be blunt and work in a joke to lighten the blow.

    One guy did something on a site and kept telling me about being in the kitchen andwhat I should be doing. I have 2 degrees. One day he went to tuck in his shirt and I said loudly "OMG what are you doing? Someone please get me a microscope." It was loud so that the other guys heard me. They joked him the rest of the day and I never had problems out of him.


    What I learned is that I don't get upset over it. It takes too much energy. I address it, but don't get upset over it. I don't care what his demeanor is as long as he gets my work done and doesn't blow my questions off profesionally. If there is an obatacle in me getting (care or work), then I start acting like I am Katniss in Hunger Games.

    Glad you did Post
    I haven't had that experience but I've been with my wife where it's happened to her.
    I have found that some cultures (how can I put this?) ignore women.
    I would politely make it clear who the patient is and where your Onc's focus should be when discussing YOU.
    Some men are just idiots too.. VERY "Old School"
    :-)
  • Nana b
    Nana b Member Posts: 3,030 Member
    #17
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    PhillieG said:

    Glad you did Post
    I haven't had that experience but I've been with my wife where it's happened to her.
    I have found that some cultures (how can I put this?) ignore women.
    I would politely make it clear who the patient is and where your Onc's focus should be when discussing YOU.
    Some men are just idiots too.. VERY "Old School"
    :-)

    My husband would tell him,
    My husband would tell him, she's asking the question, not me... That would take care of it!
  • YoungerSis62
    YoungerSis62 Member Posts: 28
    #18
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    Nana b said:

    My husband would tell him,
    My husband would tell him, she's asking the question, not me... That would take care of it!

    Nana b - good answer
    Katherine - you should ask your husband to do as Nana b suggests - I like it! If your hubby is non-confrontational, how about if after the onc answers your question to your husband, you touch the onc's hand, or arm, and say, "could you repeat that, to me?"
    I say to touch his hand or arm because that would force him to at least look at you :-)

    If the guy is a real jerk, and like you say you are going to wait until January to see about the surgery - then by all means, you need a change.

    Oh, BTW - the bit about having 2 years to live, etc.... I don't think I would want a doctor that told me that. I mean, we do need to be realistic, but we need to be positive!
    "Man Proposes, God Disposes" - my husband was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy 11 years ago. He needed a heart transplant. He refused. He preferred to try meds (which BTW he does take about 11 a day) But MY POINT - they told me their prognosis was he had 3 to 5 years tops without the heart transplant. THAT WAS 11 YEARS AGO!

    I hope your treatment goes well, and that you have the surgery, if that is what you want.
    Keep posting -

    Hugs
    Marilyn

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