Aug 02, 2012 - 5:27 am
My mother has been battling cancer of the bile duct for over two years now. Initially the doctor said that she would only have 6 months to a year left to live, but miraculously she has for over two years. However, now the two years are gone and two days ago on my 20th birthday my father told me that chemotherapy has been stopped since it will no longer have an effect on prolonging her life, and that hospice will start next week. I feel so many conflicting emotions: a desparing sadness, a futility knowing that I can't do anything to stop her impending death, and guilt because a part of me, while dying inside when my father told, another was slightly relieved. I guess the relief comes from having to periodically come back from college and watch my mother suffer as she continually loses weight and no can't walk without assistance while suspecting that the end may be near but now the confirmation has come. My father says he and my 16 year old sister will need me, but I don't know how I will be able to set foot in this house again after she passes. My biggest fear is that when the moment comes for her to die I'll be sleeping or busy at a race nowhere near my phone or access to plane and she will pass without hearing me seeing her or getting to look at her alive one last time.