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I'm beyond speechless

runner1
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2012

My mother has been battling cancer of the bile duct for over two years now. Initially the doctor said that she would only have 6 months to a year left to live, but miraculously she has for over two years. However, now the two years are gone and two days ago on my 20th birthday my father told me that chemotherapy has been stopped since it will no longer have an effect on prolonging her life, and that hospice will start next week. I feel so many conflicting emotions: a desparing sadness, a futility knowing that I can't do anything to stop her impending death, and guilt because a part of me, while dying inside when my father told, another was slightly relieved. I guess the relief comes from having to periodically come back from college and watch my mother suffer as she continually loses weight and no can't walk without assistance while suspecting that the end may be near but now the confirmation has come. My father says he and my 16 year old sister will need me, but I don't know how I will be able to set foot in this house again after she passes. My biggest fear is that when the moment comes for her to die I'll be sleeping or busy at a race nowhere near my phone or access to plane and she will pass without hearing me seeing her or getting to look at her alive one last time.

love4life
Posts: 33
Joined: May 2010

I don't know the dynamics of your family but it sounds like you are close to each other. If your dad is telling you now that they will need you after your mother dies then take that at face value. You have to decide now how important it is for you to be there when the end is here. Maybe you will have to skip a few races and make an effort to be home to be with your mom, dad, or whoever may need you. Think about things long and hard now so you don't live with years of regret later on. If you have to be at races for a college scholarship I would talk to your coaches and fill them in on what's going on and tell them you need to be there for her if that's what you really feel in your heart. This disease can make or break a family and you are the only ones who have control over what it does to your family. Whatever you decide I will pray that all of you find the love and peace you need in your lives during these very difficult times.

katenorwood
Posts: 1862
Joined: May 2012

runner1,
Hey, just read your post. I'm so sorry at such a young age you're going through so much emotional turmoil. All I can say is if your meant to be there you will be. Search your heart, and believe me somehow you'll find the strenghth to do what you need to. Warmest regards, Katie

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

Cherish the time you have been together. It sounds like you had more time than you expected, but less than you wanted. It is never enough. Don't feel guilty about feeling some relief either. That is pretty normal. The last few,days of my husband's life, I prayed for a quick, peaceful death. Yes, I also felt relief that he would no longer be in pain. Your family will need you, and you will need them. Remember the good times. Cry together and laugh together. Yes, laugh. My husband had a somewhat off beat sense of humor, and we often remember those funny things. As far as being there, I was just a few feet away and had fallen asleep when my husband died. Our sons think he chose that time to make it easier on me. Who knows? I'm sure your mother would want you to do what feels right to you. She is still here. Cherish the time you have left. Talk with her on the phone often, if she is up to it. Tell her you love her. Don't beat yourself up when you are doing the best you can. You have a lot on your plate with work, school, and your mother's approaching death. If possible, talk to a counselor. Figure out what is best for you. Hugs, Fay

Lsknersk
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2012

I was 13 when my mother was first diagnosed with colon cancer. It ended up coming back two more times, when the third time she passes away due to some blood clots she developed during treatment. Unlike your situation, I had no timeline of how long my mother was going to live because she was supposed to get better and didn't have a timeframe. My mom passed away when I was at work, she has collapsed when getting up to get some pain medicine. I was 21 years old. My dad was already sleeping, my brother was downstairs playing video games, and my sister had left the room just for a second. The biggest thing that matters to me is that before I left for work that day she told me she loved me and I said I love you too. Your fear is understandable and the chances of you not having access to a phone are very small. The last living moment I have in my head of my moment is her saying I love you to me and that is the most important thing. She was a big Chicago Cubs fan, and while I was at work she would always send me text messages about the game and if any runs would score. She had texted me before she passed away and I held on to that text until I got rid of that phone. But just remember that its important to always say I love you and she will want you to move on with your life and continue with your life at college. This shouldnt hold you back from living your life. You will be able to be here for your siblings and your dad in more ways than being physically here. Remember to always say I love you and that will be the most important thing because you never know in any situation. Good luck to you and may you all find comfort in each other.

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