Aug 01, 2012 - 2:40 pm
My mom has Stage 4 colorectal cancer. She is only 52. It metastasized to her lungs. She has chemo every 3 weeks. My sister and I have been trading off taking her to her chemo appointments so I take her every 6 weeks.
Lately, my sister and I have not been getting along with my mom. She has made some really bad decisions (getting back together with a verbally/emotionally abusive boyfriend; deciding to trek across the country on a motorcycle while she is sick...) that we just don't agree with.
She rarely sees my children (her grandchildren) because she is always off with her boyfriend or friends trying to "just have a little fun". She is always trying to "guilt-trip" us. Everytime I disagree with her, she throws in my face that she is "dying". She tells me I don't support her.
I am the oldest of 3. I have always been the responsible one, the level-headed one, the strong one. When the doctor gives her bad news and she gets upset, I try to ease her worry. When she fights with my sister, I am the "go-between", trying to talk them both down from the ledge. When my baby brother has to be told news, I am the one to explain it to him. In addition to taking her to chemo. So saying I don't support her is a low-blow.
Today, the doctor told her she's hit a plateau and she needs to change her chemo. He told her the new chemo will likely cause her to lose her hair and could cause vomiting and diarrhea. She told the doctor that she won't change chemo until after she gets back from her vacations - in 2 months! She doesn't want people to see her without hair, she says. So of course, I tell her that I think it's a mistake to postpone changing the chemo, that we can get a wig and that I think she is giving up the fight (I was frustrated).
Here's the thing - I've been saving all of my time off from work to use on chemo days. That means I haven't done much with my kids over the summer. She promised them that since she is off of work and feels normal when it's not a chemo week, she would do things with them. That hasn't happened. She hasn't even gone to see them except maybe once.
I know she is sick & scared. But shouldn't that make her want to see her grandbabies and her children as much as she can before she leaves this world? No, instead she is spending as much time as possible with a man that has NEVER taken her to a SINGLE doctor's appointment or to chemo. He says awful things to her like "you can't even cook your man dinner" the day after she has chemo.
I need to know if I'm being selfish. I feel like I'm doing so much to help her as best I can and I just keep getting slapped in the face. I don't know what to do. I'm really starting to resent her. I have this urge to wipe my hands clean and I know that is really, really awful. And I love her. But I just don't know what to do - it's affecting me, my kids, my husband... I'm arguing with them or coming home & wanting to be alone. It exhausts me and saddens me and angers me.
I know this is ranting, but I have no where else to go. I am hoping someone out there has felt this & has some advice.