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still cant get over my mum being gone..

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

its been just over 9 months since my mum died infront of me in the ICU and i still find it difficult to grasp and get the last week of her life out of my head. my mum went through a bone narrow transplant 6months before she left. she pretty mich got everything you can get from having a transplant and she soldiered through it all and the day before they said she could come home after 6months of being in hospital she crashed again and that was it.. infection just took over her body and she wasn strong enough to fight it and after 4days in ICU and her begging to die my stepdad n i decided to put her on morphine and i stayed overnight for the three days until she went.. my mum wasn just my mum.. she was my friend. my sister. my only perant.
my real dad was abusive and we ran awayfrom him when i was 15. my older sister didn help with mum she only came later for the money. my older brother was a drug addict and his schitzophrenia/bipolar so i am pretty much his mum now. my stepdad has only been around for 3yrs they met just before mum got sick.. him n i looked after her everyday n visited everyday everyone else just kind of left us to it, couldn really be bothered i guess.

i understand shes at peace now.. it just makes me so angry.. she had a terrible life with my real father and she finally found happiness with my stepdad than she had to get cancer. she fought it once and 3months later it came bak.. my mum is my everything my hope and pretty much my only family. and to loose her just tears me apart. my boyfriend i met just when she was first sick and his amazing but he is it for my support really.. i just feel so lost.
some days im ok i get by and other days i just dont have the strength to get out of bed. i hide my pain pretty well so everyone thinks im fine.. well everyone after a month just kind of left the situation and me thought it was all fine n didn need to show support anymore..
im only 22 now... but i feel like im 100 from these last 2years and no one really understands my pain.. well no one around me.
i still cant believe i wont see her again.. its still so unreal after 9months i just cant except it at all..

DadysGirl
Posts: 322
Joined: Aug 2011

:((((((((((((((((((((( I cried the whole time reading your message ans still am. I'm so very.... sorry sweetie about you loosing your mom... My father just got out of stemm cell transplant a week and a half ago and I can relate to how difficult even that is alone... Even before he transplant i'd lay in bed or couch and not wanting to get up just closing my eyes not even fully sleep but just trying to not face the world. It was hurting too much... And yet I was with my dad all the time almost so had to take care of him... When I'd be feeling enough awake it'd hurt so much inside I would sometime start crying chokingly so loud... Would hide tears wipe tears while smiling laughing its so hard... I can't imagine how difficult it may be for you... I'm so sorry about what you are going through... I hope and pray for you to feel better not better as you probably dont even want to feel better as it ,ay seem like you're forgetting your mom that way... I just pray for things to be easier for you and find comfort knowing and pray for her to be well happy and comfortable... Do good deeds and things that she liked and send those good deeds to her... And ask God to accept those good deeds on her behalf... I will write to you more sweetie Dad hs pain since yesterday and I need to take care of a few things... Let's pray for each other and our loved ones... Lots of hugs and love, prayers to you and your mom...

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

thank you..
im guessing he has done radiation thts y his so sore :(
ill be praying for him to not get the diseases mum got through this process.. my mums strength was unreal she fought off every disease the transplant gave her and she actually won cancer(lymphoma non hodgkins) she was just very unlucky to be striked one last time with an infrction near the end when she had no strength left.. unfortunatly he just has to fight as much as he can! and unfortunatly we have to just sit there an watch..
i hope he gets through it because no one deserves to watch what i watched the last 6months of my mums life or go through what she did.
my mum was so gratefull i was there everyday she got to a stage where she was bed ridden and i helped her with everything.
the only way i feel a bit better at times is knowing that im going to apply to study nursing next year.. so that way ill be like those amazing nurses that kept my mum smiling through it all..

i hope n pray ur dad will keep his strength and stay positive x

DadysGirl
Posts: 322
Joined: Aug 2011

Sweetie not sure of your beliefs but you will see your mom and be with her forever in the next world life after death....

DadysGirl
Posts: 322
Joined: Aug 2011

Sweetie what was your mom dealing with? What type of cancer?

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

hey again, it was lymphoma non hodgkins.. but hers was so advanced. the first time she got it they took out all her lymphnodes and spline and they got rid of everything but her cancer was so stubborn and advanced in 3months the cancer gree in lumps all down her back and down her thighs..
thats y it was so difficult for her to fight throught it.. it grew so rapidly and spread everywhere so quikly..
at the end her bowel was filled with infection and poson and was just about to burst and they could not operate or make it smaller. and if it burst she would have gone in shock and died really painfully.. not that it wasn excrutiating to start with.. so thats y we chose to put her on morphine.

DadysGirl
Posts: 322
Joined: Aug 2011

Was it large diffuse b cell non hodgkins lymphoma? As hard as it may be try to think of the good happy times... I'm sure she appreciated you being around and all the love you gave her very much....you were an excellent daughter, I'll write more later... Luv you sweetie...
We are in hospital right now he got discharged from sct on 19th and we are here and just found out he got pneumonia :(
U could read more if you search under Daddysgirl or look at the list of posts under the same category your post is under...

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

t cell the rare one.
pneumonia :( i hope they catched it early. ill be thinking of you and your dad. keep strong xo
my mum fought that away in a about a week when she was in a bad state so he should bounce back :)

DadysGirl
Posts: 322
Joined: Aug 2011

Thank you sweetie... You're so sweet made me cry... May God give long healthy lives with our loved ones... May you have nothing but happiness health and the same for your siblings with difficulties and all your loved ones... Until you're with your mom again... You will be and it will be forever and filled with happiness... Thinking of you , lots of luv, hugs.

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3172
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi manda,
I'm so sorry you lost your mom. You are so young to be going through such a sad thing. You might want to check out the Grief and Bereavement group...I'm sure you will find it a very supportive group also. My heart goes out to you and I'll keep you in my prayers. Come back anytime, we will be here for you. Take care...Sue (FNHL-2-3a-6/10)

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

thank you..
i will have a look into that maybe.
im use to keeping everything in.. which isnt good!
i do see a counseller for the last month which does help.. i have a lot of bipolar in my family from my dads side my brother and sister both have it so i know i have to be carefull

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2064
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Manda,

Life can be really hard and cruel sometimes. I can relate to your
story on so many levels. My mother passed away from cancer many
years ago and I thought how unfair - she had a hard life she didn't
deserve as well.

You're still grieving and this is very undertandable. Grieving
is a process and sometimes we get "stuck". Have you considered
counseling? I think it would help.

I'm so sorry about your mom and the pain you have had to endure
at such a young age. You are welcome to come here anytime.
We're good listeners and supportive here.

I wish you peace and happiness,

Jim

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

thanks jim..
yeah i do see a counsellor sometimes but i still find it difficult to let everything out to her..
everything together is so hard to proces let alone trying to deal with it and talk through it.
i think the main reason its so hard because im still so angry how she finaly was happy with her life and she had to et struck down again.. its just so unfair.. i always use to believe that my childhood was terrible so i deserve a happy ending and mum too.. and its just hard to have that hope now .
i cant get past this anger stage and negativity .. people say stay positive.. but how i kno she doesn suffer anymore and i know people are meant to leave us sometimes too early.. but to go through that much pain.. to fight through that much for nothing makes me disgusted. i always thought mum would get trough it that she had to have a miracle no one can go trough that much and just die like this.. but she did.. and i cant accept that.
and i know people hve been through worse and even your mother god bless.. its just so ****ed up..(sorry about language!)
i dunno i just dont have that hope anymore i built myself back up with hope and put away my childhood and this is just too hard to deal with.. everyone around me is like your so strong if anyone can cope with this its you.. but they dont realise im not coping im just strong enough to hide
my pain from people. im use to putting that fake smile on and no one can tell its fake.
the only person who does is my boyfriend i guess and im very blessed to have him through this.

manda_branka
Posts: 8
Joined: Dec 2011

thanks jim..
yeah i do see a counsellor sometimes but i still find it difficult to let everything out to her..
everything together is so hard to proces let alone trying to deal with it and talk through it.
i think the main reason its so hard because im still so angry how she finaly was happy with her life and she had to et struck down again.. its just so unfair.. i always use to believe that my childhood was terrible so i deserve a happy ending and mum too.. and its just hard to have that hope now .
i cant get past this anger stage and negativity .. people say stay positive.. but how i kno she doesn suffer anymore and i know people are meant to leave us sometimes too early.. but to go through that much pain.. to fight through that much for nothing makes me disgusted. i always thought mum would get trough it that she had to have a miracle no one can go trough that much and just die like this.. but she did.. and i cant accept that.
and i know people hve been through worse and even your mother god bless.. its just so ****ed up..(sorry about language!)
i dunno i just dont have that hope anymore i built myself back up with hope and put away my childhood and this is just too hard to deal with.. everyone around me is like your so strong if anyone can cope with this its you.. but they dont realise im not coping im just strong enough to hide
my pain from people. im use to putting that fake smile on and no one can tell its fake.
the only person who does is my boyfriend i guess and im very blessed to have him through this.

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