Jul 02, 2012 - 11:02 am
Well I haven't been on here in a couple days but I am now in Florida with my family. My mom is 56 years young and has been fighting stage 4 breast cancer for the past 2 years. At the moment she is still in the hospital but we are bringing her home next monday with hospice care. She is so frail, barely eating and so weak she can not get out of her hospital bed. Her doctor ordered her a special air bed so she does not get bed sores since she can not get up anymore. I try and get her to take a few bites of food when I visit her at the hospital but she just does not want to eat any longer. She does drink boosts and is semi-coherent. I have a 22 month old daughter and I am 28 years old. I have 3 baby sisters 13, 15, and 18. I know much of the care taking once my mom is home will be on me and my step father, whom I call dad, since we already are aware of what is going to happen and all the ugliness this disease will bring her in her final weeks and days. My heart is heavy and I am so terrified and anxious and hurt by having to watch my beautiful mother die. I am so thankful I got to give her a grand daughter before she was so sick, my daughter always makes her so happy, even now that she is bed ridden. I don't really know where to go from here and my sisters cry to me on a daily basis. They thought she would just come home from the hospital and be fine like every other time. Except now she will not be fine, she's not getting better and she can not even get chemo anymore due to her being so weak. The doctor said chemo will kill her faster then her cancer will. I am crying myself to sleep every night and I go into the bathroom to cry with the water on so my sisters do not hear me. I feel awful and I'm trying to hold it together but how can i?? I am about to lose my best friend, my hero, my rock... I am so angry and sad all at the same time!! I wish I could say I know I will be okay but I feel like I will never be okay and this pain is unbearable... Thanks for listening and any words of encouragement or help on what to expect once my mom is home would be amazing!!! Thanks...