Unsupportive husband

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Lyli
Lyli Member Posts: 1
in Breast Cancer #1
Hi, I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 weeks ago. I have always been having problems with my husband, he is an unemotional jerk. The only credit I can give him is that he has financially been supporting me since 1997. But I cannot get this **** to open up to me and reveal his true feelings. He is extremely protective of his cell phone. He goes to Houston every Friday night to to take care of his car business. I could not leave him in the past because I had some other health issues & for financial reasons. We have a beautiful house together & I have been make it a very comfortable home for him, which has made a lot of people jealous. But now i am faced with Cancer . He was gambling when i received the news from the radiologist, i called him he didn't answer, i called him again an hour later he said why am i calling too much. When it was time to go learn about my disease, he showed a slight support . I am still waiting for surgery, I had a bad shoulder pain the other day. I ended up in ER. While I was being treated he went out of the room, he was on the phone with one of my new girlfriend whom has been kinda trying to get his attention . Days prior she was asking my husband to buy her a car, brought $ for deposit,because of this reason they exchanged phone #s. So while I was in the hospital she called him . He says he called her to let her know I was in the hospital. Either way I said the calls shouldn't have happened I needed him to be by my side not on the phone with another women. In any case,Cancer is opening my eyes more & more about him. I got rid of her as a friend & asked her to never call my husband again. I am thinking that I haven't had my surgery & started treatment and he is acting this way ,What will he do next??? I am planning to sell my house & divorce him & move to New York to be close to my family. One of my sister has breast cancer in NY too.
I need help making this tremendous change in my life. Please Advice!
Lyli

Comments

  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    #2
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    So very sorry
    Sorry but I have to say your husband is a jerk! I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would have left him years ago. Having money, a comfortable home etc. is great, but, wouldn't it be nice to have all of that with someone that loved and cared for you? Peace of mind and a happy life is so much more important than things. I am not saying this to hurt you or to judge you, just saying that you've got to concentrate on your health now, your treatments and fighting bc. You shouldn't have to be worrying if your husband is off with some other girl, should you? Moving to NY to be close to your family sounds great. At least there, you would have the love and support you so deserve Lyli!

    I pray you will make the right choice for you. Just take care of yourself!


    Hugs and prayers,

    Lex
  • tufi000
    tufi000 Member Posts: 745 Member
    #3
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    Been there
    Accept that emotional support is not going to come from him, but take all the money you can get. Review your insurance to make sure you retain coverage through this journey. Find the hugs you need form family and friends around you, but do not sacrifice the financial benefits until you know what you need and what you can provide yourself without him. I did this, emotionally alone with basically the hospital people my support having no family or friends where I live. Believe me, not having to worry about paying for treatments and scrips is a big deal. You can do this, you put up for all this time. Look at what you have right now where you are and recalculate. also selling a home and moving is a tremendous undertaking you may not want on your plate right now.

    All the best.
  • amber01
    amber01 Member Posts: 2
    #4
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    Well..
    My husband left to go work in China not too long after I started Chemo. I went through most of 24weeks of chemo and 7weeks of radiation while he was living in China. I had stage 3A breast cancer. I'm into my 5th year of survival. And I pretty much did it alone. It sounds like you are alone too. Even if he is in theory there. It does count for a lot not having to worry about insurance and medical bills. But, sometimes you just need somebody to get you some bread and milk from the store! Focus on what YOU need! Gather some people around you you can depend on. That so called freind trying to get this jerks attention, would be getting some attention from ME! How DARE she! Damn vulture! Lay low for now, and get through one crisis at a time.

    I wouldn't make any huge changes until you are done with treatment. You need to survive financially too! In the meantime.. I would be laying some groundwork for the split. Check into your states divorce laws. Maybe see a lawyer and lay the groundwork for what you need to do. Financial records..etc. Can you get alimony? Most places if you have been married 10years or more you also get 50% of his retirement fund.
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #5
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    Love is all that matters in the end
    Lylie,

    from your post I get the feeling you already know what you want to do
    and where you want to be. Cancer if funny that way, it really makes you
    clean house.

    Put aside your emotions, as hard as it will be with all you are going
    through, but the last thing you want to do is make this any harder on
    yourself. Look at your treatment time as a time to reflect and in your
    case to react. Make smart moves and eliminate anything stressful, be
    blissfully ignorant and turn the other blind eye. Go ahead and make a
    blue print, a blue print of your brand new life and let that be your
    focus. That and your health. We are here for support and if he does
    come around, we are here to cheer for you - no matter what.

    Hugs,
    Ayse
  • mom62
    mom62 Member Posts: 604 Member
    #6
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    What does your heart tell you
    Hi,

    If you are unhappy my advice is leave him. You are facing a hard fight and don't need to be weighed down with this baggage and his agenda. Life is too short to be miserable, make yourself happy while you can.

    Terry
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #7
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    Don't do anything until you
    Don't do anything until you talk to a lawyer. A friend of mine stayed with her husband until she finished all treatment on the advice of her lawyer. During that time they worked on getting everything ready and when she had finished treatment then she divorced the sob. She had all of her ducks in a row and came out quite nicely financially.
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #8
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    sweetvickid said:

    Don't do anything until you
    Don't do anything until you talk to a lawyer. A friend of mine stayed with her husband until she finished all treatment on the advice of her lawyer. During that time they worked on getting everything ready and when she had finished treatment then she divorced the sob. She had all of her ducks in a row and came out quite nicely financially.

    And tell him what you need from him!
    Don't expect him to "know". It sounds like he is not the one for you, that he's selfish, and emotionally unavailable.
    Have you actually told him what you need/want from him? My guess is your relationship has created dance steps that make it ok for him to go do whatever he wants to do as long as he pays for it (nice home, financial security) and so he provides "things" to be able to be a naughty boy. If that dance has worked for the past X number of years, why would he think it no longer works? Especially if you don't tell him it ain't working?

    And, do think practically. Seek legal counsel and have a plan in place that works for you. Once you start treatments, you honestly won't be in a place to make huge emotional or physical places, but if you have a plan in place and a goal somewhere down the road, you will get through treatments with much less dispair. The most important thing now is to get treated and on the road to recovery. Then you can address other significant potential changes.

    What do you talk about at the end of the day when you go to bed and how loving or unloving (I'm not talking about sex) is that experience?

    Suzanne
  • Kristin N
    Kristin N Member Posts: 1,968 Member
    #9
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    mom62 said:

    What does your heart tell you
    Hi,

    If you are unhappy my advice is leave him. You are facing a hard fight and don't need to be weighed down with this baggage and his agenda. Life is too short to be miserable, make yourself happy while you can.

    Terry

    My advice would be to get
    My advice would be to get your treatment done and while you are doing that, get your ducks in a row financially and whatever else you need to do to leave him. Life is too short to be with someone like him. Good luck!
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #10
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    Protective of cell phone
    There is only one reason to be protective of your cell phone. That would be because you have something to hide. Get the cancer cared for and take care of yourself. If ever there is a time to focus on yourself it is now and not a soul would blame you for it. If you go to church or belong to any social groups then start building your support from them. He probably has you as an ornament wife so the emotional response is probably not going to come for you.
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #11
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    lyli: so so sorry to hear of
    lyli: so so sorry to hear of all this...My heart goes out to you...not that is much help...I can not relate so I will not say I know what you are going through...


    Perhaps keeping journal (and VENT her anytime)

    Do you have any kids? How far from NY/ Family are you?

    I live in NYS..!

    HE does NOT deserve you...

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #12
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    I read more posts and I
    I read more posts and I agree with many saying hold out..finish treatment etc...get things in order....you dont' need any more stress (emotional) in your life at this point..(it is never a good time but you need to take care of you....and health issues..

    Denise
  • Hennie
    Hennie Member Posts: 11
    #13
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    Lyli at this
    point in time you need to take care of yourself. Don't make any hasty decisions for now. Focus on gettting through your treatments. Take more time to do the things that you enjoy and make you happy. You deserve the best especially for what ever amount of years you've been putting up with his selfish behavior.

    Hugs Hennie
  • jonahrex98
    jonahrex98 Member Posts: 23 Member
    #14
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    Unsupportive husband
    I have been a survivor for ten years and have gotten minimal support from my husband who is a jerk too. He will never understand, nor will my children, ages 16 and 14. My main problem is the chemobrain and the chemo-induced peripheral neuropathy now. He was supportive at the time of my cancer, but not now. He and my children just think I'm a blubbering idiot who can't walk without stumbling. It seems like I'm always the brunt of their jokes. I laugh, but it really hurts my feelings. No one believes that my symptoms are all chemo-related. Maybe research on this will be much more advanced by the time you become a ten-year survivor. Don't mean to be discouraging, but it seems like no one understands but your fellow survivors. You do what you need to do.
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    #15
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    Hennie said:

    Lyli at this
    point in time you need to take care of yourself. Don't make any hasty decisions for now. Focus on gettting through your treatments. Take more time to do the things that you enjoy and make you happy. You deserve the best especially for what ever amount of years you've been putting up with his selfish behavior.

    Hugs Hennie

    How are things going now
    How are things going now Lyli? I pray better. Ofcourse I agree that you need to just take care of yourself, your health now. That is the most important thing for you to focus on.


    Wishing you all the best,


    Leeza

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