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I need advice.....

Alv4969's picture
Alv4969
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2012

My mother passed away from lung cancer on Feb. 20, 2012...and I was her caretaker on and off for 10 years (2 years for cancer). I have accepted that I'm 25 with only one living parent but yesterday my dad asked me how I felt about him dating (my parents were married for 30 years). The truth is I want him to be happy and I suspected that an old friend (from High School) had reconnected with him and I asked him if it was about her and he admitted yes in fact he wants to date her. On one hand I'm really happy for my dad to find someone to talk too but on the other hand my mom has been gone for only 4 months. This makes me heartbroken...because it is so soon. I realize I need to speak with my father at some point but I want to know if anyone else has any thoughts, feelings, ideas of what I should do.

Thank you, Amanda

nettw
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2012

We all grieve differently and being married for 29 years, my husband has recurrent bt, aa3, I say I would never date or get married, but he is still with me. I thing maybe he is lonely and needs that companionship. You need to talk to him, life is to short to let this get in the way.Either way it is his life and he will live it his way.

Alv4969's picture
Alv4969
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2012

Thank you....I realize that. It just feels really new without my mom and then to know my dad is with someone else...

Kathy09's picture
Kathy09
Posts: 99
Joined: Jun 2009

He knows what he went thru, I am sure he loved your mom, He may be a person who does not do well alone, support him, only change I would make is if you felt different about the woman such as she was doing him wrong in some way. Otherwise, life is too short, let him live it.

Alv4969's picture
Alv4969
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2012

I will let him make his own choices...

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

It's not about that at all, is it? He will make his own choices and has been kind enough to ask your thoughts on the subject.

You are still grieving the loss of your mom. You worry, I'm sure, about your father and his vulnerability during this time.

Your dad might make a mistake with this old friend or it might be a good thing: but it really is just also part of his need to still feel alive.

I'm sorry you are going through this loss of your mother - time is a great healer and while you will always miss her, Amanda, it will all work out.

Alv4969's picture
Alv4969
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2012

She has some health problems which makes me feel like this could cause more harm than good. But at least he is talking to someone. Thank you for kind words.

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2077
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Amanda,

Good discussion topic. I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.
There really is no right or wrong in this. I think the main
advice I'd give is to continue being loving and supportive of
your father and keep the communication channels open.

I'm sure he's still grieving and dealing with alot. If his friend
makes him feel better, that's a good thing. He'll probably talk
with her a great deal about your mother. They may end up being
very close friends and nothing more in the long run.

I would talk candidly with your father about your mixed feelings.
Also, it might help you to get to know this person as well if you feel
up to it.

This is a good website dealing with grief.

Grief Website

I wish you and your father peace,

Hugs and positive thoughts,

Jim
DX: DLBL 4/2011, Chemo completed 10/2011, currently in remission. :)

Alv4969's picture
Alv4969
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2012

My dad is very closed off...he really doesn't go out of his way to talk to anyone. The fact he came and asked me how I felt was really nice of him. I believe we will have to keep talking. Thank you for the website I will check it out. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way as well.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

I have noticed that the men tend to hook up sooner than the women. I go to a church that has an older membership. We have lost many spouses over the years. For whatever reason, the men seem to date sooner than the women. Maybe they feel that they need a woman to take care of them. I don't know. The only thing I can suggest is that you ask him to take things slowly. That will give you both time to grieve and be sure that this relationship is not a rebound thing. My sons have made it clear to me that this is my life and I am free to date, etc. I'm not ready for that yet and not sure I ever will be. My husband passed away in October of 2009. Companionship is a very good thing if it is right for both parties. I'm certainly not ruling it out, but I'm not looking for it either. Life does go on, though. I wish both you and your father the best. You are a good daughter and have a right to be concerned and a little hurt, but you are right that he must make his own choices. Fay

Alv4969's picture
Alv4969
Posts: 14
Joined: Jun 2012

I have discussed it further with my father and really he just wants companionship with I understand and agree with. He does need someone his own age to talk to, laugh with, to enjoy life. I think that the reason why I felt hurt was because so much has changed and the past couple if years we have been hurt enough and the thought of anyone hurting my father deeply worries me. I realize that now and I just need to make sure that I stay focused on what makes him happy. I do believe men tend to find companionship before woman and I hope whatever life brings you...you only have happiness. Thank you. Amanda

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