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Does this happen to anyone else?

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

It's the middle of the night and I just raked up enough courage to ask this. Does anyone else have a severe aversion to intimacy..of any kind? I find that being touched by anyone, anywhere, is absolutely repulsive to me. The very thought of having sex or a routine check-up makes me sick to my stomach. Even a hug from one of the grands makes me almost hyperventilate! I would like to know I'm not crazy, but I'd rather be crazy than to be touched ever again! Best, debrajo

pakb56
Posts: 141
Joined: Jan 2012

Debra Jo...I have not experienced this (although sex has not been an issue for me because that stopped some time ago.

We go through so much dealing with with our disease and, with the other stresses you have experienced, it may be you in a place where you only want to be with you. I only hope you are not becoming depressed. Please keep an eye on that.

I almost crave the contact, a hug here a touch there. In the beginning I was not like that and that is where I found the light from the support everybody gave me.

I found a post once that said "I CAN WILL GET THROUGH THIS-ONDE DAY AT A TIME, ONE HOUR AT A TIME, ONE MINUT AT A TIME IF NECESSARY BUT I WILL BE OKAY AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
I AM GETTING THROUGH THIS.

I printed it and carry it in my wallet.

You will (as always be in my thoughts and prayers with wishes to get through this rough patch.

Take care,
Pat

Sara Zipora's picture
Sara Zipora
Posts: 227
Joined: Sep 2010

Echos in my mind. You are so brave to write about it!
Don't mean to act like a psych, even tho I am one, but every organism needs to make physical contact of even the most superficial sort, handshake or ET phone home contact, some thing. Do you have a dog or cat? Start with that, your stressors may have cause you to raise a wall around to protect you, make a small opening to let trust of others seep in ever so lightly.
Keep being your gutsy self but let a teeny tiny bit of warm sunshine in.
Cyber hugs don't mess you up! You are normal just a bruised bunny.
Crazy idea let kids and you have toe nail polish date, putting it on each other's toes. No colors barred!

Good luck, if you can be in this Cancer Battle and not lie down and belly up,, you can do anything!

Chaya Sara Zipora

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Dear Pat and Chaya Sara Zipora, Thanks for the kind responce to what has been a very hard, strressful time for me. I know I have depression that I manage to keep under control most of the time. I think a few cyber hugs are all I can tolerate. Not to be a big whiner, but this has been building for a long, long, time. I have been hurt by so many "friends and family" that the wall's have really gone up. Just between us girls, after the hysterectomy, chemo and then radiation, I refused to use the dialator just so I could have some control over my own body, and yes, to spite my husband. Childish I know, but it gave me a perversed since of joy that "that" part of my life was over. I just want to be totally on my own, to answer to no one but me. I know I sould over the edge, but I can see why some older women go into a convent, service to others, peace and quite, time to think and pray...all that sounds so ...healing. Thinks for listing and responding. Best always, debrajo

pakb56
Posts: 141
Joined: Jan 2012

You feel how you feel and people cannot tell you to feel one way or the other. Stress manifests itself in so many ways. Being hurt by those you believed in hurts. As I have eluded to I have similar issues and constantly try to figure out what I did to be the number 1 turd on the crap parade!

I believe with time, you will find the inner strength to get past this and I do send those thoughts skyward each night for you.

Have a wonderful week.

A cyber hug to you.
Pat

txtrisha55's picture
txtrisha55
Posts: 422
Joined: Apr 2011

So sorry to hear this. I have not had this happened to me yet. I so love hugs and cuddling with my grandson. I know that my sister who does not have cancer Hates to be touched by anyone. I think that is just a germs thing for her though. She cannot stand bodily fluids and gets ichy feeling when someone coughs or has an uncontrolled sneeze. I do not have to worry about the sex issue coming up being divorced since 1985 and no dating since. I do have problems going to the dr and even went so far as to get a female gyn dr after feeling gross after my regular dr (a man) did a pap smear about 15 years ago. It was still bad but better. When I had the cancer surgery and in the hospital, I got real use to everyone drs, nurses, drs in training coming into my hospital room and saying "how are U doing today? and pulling down the sheets and raising my gown. I lost all sense of self then. I do not think you are crazy and I hope not falling into a depression like one of the other ladies stated. Keeping you in my prayers. trish

daisy366's picture
daisy366
Posts: 1493
Joined: Mar 2009

Thanks for being honest and for reaching out to us here. You are a brave and strong woman.

The mind is a very complex organ and we often develop defenses to protect ourselves. This may be a defense.

Since you have so much going on and you already acknowledge depression, I would encourage you to seek a good licensed therapist (I'm biased toward social workers) since depression is very treatable. Talk therapy can be very affective and the therapist will be able to determine if there is a possible need for medication and can provide good referrals for you.

Caring about you, Mary Ann

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks to all of you for being so sweet and caring! I am seeing someone now(yesterday) that has me on a couple of meds temporaly until we can talk through a few things. So far it boils down to a rotten(doesn't it always!)childhood,an out-of-the-frying-pan-into-the-fire-sort of marriage, and an obesessive need to "be all things good to all people",personality! And all that was day one! Lord, help me! Will keep you all updated as I peel back the layers of "me"! Best, debrajo

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