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Been 4 months and I don't think I will ever be the same

girlypants's picture
girlypants
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2012

January 19th I had a right partial nepherotomy, and they took out half my kidney with cancer grade one and two. Like a lot of people on here they said I was cured. That is hard to get past. I think not thinking of it is helping. I was a complete train wreck for three months after. (being 28 pretty much nobody knows what I am going through) Finally, after someone on here pointed out I was worrying to much, I saw a psychologist and then a psychiatrist. Come to find out this whole cancer thing has set off minor anxiety that I have always had. I never sleep so ambien is my routine, but then they threw in Zoloft to help with my anxiety and freak outs. WOW! Life changing! I barely lose it now. My crying spells have gone away, I feel relaxed more and focused. After keeping it a secret from my sister, I finally asked if she noticed anything different in me. She said I seemed happier, and I used to be already happy.

Having kidney cancer has changed my life, every single ounce of my thinking and being is to live now. I just have this overwhelming drive to be happy and alive. You dont know what its like to have a last day until you are told you were about to have it. All of this has happened because of one random sonogram, just because I had a day off in the middle of the week, because I took a bank job rather then look for a teaching job, just so happen to watch dr oz and want to find an answer for my tummy issue and go to a specialist. All of this has to of happened for a reason! That reason I so desperately want to know what it is. I have spent so many hours wonder why and where I am supposed to go in life.

So far I ran a 5k mud run, 2 and half months after the surgery. Went on a bunch of hikes. Drove to pt reyes just to see the ocean and light house on the 4th month cancer free anniversary. And even went to a all day dance festival/rave with my sister (vodka tonic please). I feel like now I more then anything what to do what I want and dont have the same excuses to not do them. Does anyone feel the same way as me? I feel like no one gets this, everyone seems to think I am fine and avoids my cancer ordeal. Well I just had to vent. I had been avoiding reading the forum, kinda scared to relive my old feelings. Also I am scared I will get cancer again so I have to stay very occupied and look up funny youtube videos rather than google statics and horror stories.

Wishing everyone a fabulous night and thank you to everyone that helped me get through diagnosis and surgery. I had to do it mostly alone so having this forum helped me more than you will ever know.

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1509
Joined: Jan 2010

girlypants,

Having a Cancer at age 28 that is not common and much earlier than most is a physical and mental shock. Few out there understand RCC as we are only 3% of all cancers and our treatments and protocols are much different than other cancers. Each one of us is initially consumed by our diagnosis and how it will effect our lives, . These emotions are normal. They do get less consuming. You will get over them. Just give it a little time. In time it will be NBD (no big deal).

Icemantoo

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1897
Joined: Oct 2011

Girlypants. I think your progress is GREAT! stay active and enjoy the hell out of life. At 28, I would imagine others can't comprehend the emotional and pyschological stress of this diagnosis. They see you well now and only want it that way. At that age it is more difficult to deal with ones mortality. Us older geezers, are stressed but somehow we know the road will end and some of us can factor that into our coping. I will extend our best wishes and I think we all understand that you want to avoid the daily reminders that are posted here. Just remember, We will be here for you to lean on and for the support we can offer anytime we can help. You are one of us. Your strange extended family. We love you.
Fox.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

gp,

Facing the reality of mortality has an inverse effect on everyone relative to age, the younger you are the more profound the effect. The shift in life perspective you have experienced has forever changed you, but most likely in a good way. In time things will settle into a "new normal" for you, but you will always have more empathy than before and you will be a better daughter, sister, and friend because of it. The memory of avoidance by those around you of your cancer ordeal will serve you well for the rest of your life. For now enjoy being young and healthy, don't worry about the reason, the answers to that riddle will come with time and age.

Gary

CThughes
Posts: 21
Joined: Apr 2012

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but in time you will get to a point where you don't think about it that much, you don't live in dread of those scans every 6 months, and life will go on pretty much like it did before. I'm not saying it's not lurking back there in your mind somewhere, but it's not in the forefront any more.

Hell, it's gotten to be a joke with my friends now. One of my clients is always saying that since they have taken out so many parts from me now, that he shouldn't have to pay my full billing rate. And I don't mean they are insensitive to the issues, but there is nothing we can do about it and they figure if I can laugh about it, they can to. Seems to put everyone more at ease.

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