May 29, 2012 - 2:05 am
January 19th I had a right partial nepherotomy, and they took out half my kidney with cancer grade one and two. Like a lot of people on here they said I was cured. That is hard to get past. I think not thinking of it is helping. I was a complete train wreck for three months after. (being 28 pretty much nobody knows what I am going through) Finally, after someone on here pointed out I was worrying to much, I saw a psychologist and then a psychiatrist. Come to find out this whole cancer thing has set off minor anxiety that I have always had. I never sleep so ambien is my routine, but then they threw in Zoloft to help with my anxiety and freak outs. WOW! Life changing! I barely lose it now. My crying spells have gone away, I feel relaxed more and focused. After keeping it a secret from my sister, I finally asked if she noticed anything different in me. She said I seemed happier, and I used to be already happy.
Having kidney cancer has changed my life, every single ounce of my thinking and being is to live now. I just have this overwhelming drive to be happy and alive. You dont know what its like to have a last day until you are told you were about to have it. All of this has happened because of one random sonogram, just because I had a day off in the middle of the week, because I took a bank job rather then look for a teaching job, just so happen to watch dr oz and want to find an answer for my tummy issue and go to a specialist. All of this has to of happened for a reason! That reason I so desperately want to know what it is. I have spent so many hours wonder why and where I am supposed to go in life.
So far I ran a 5k mud run, 2 and half months after the surgery. Went on a bunch of hikes. Drove to pt reyes just to see the ocean and light house on the 4th month cancer free anniversary. And even went to a all day dance festival/rave with my sister (vodka tonic please). I feel like now I more then anything what to do what I want and dont have the same excuses to not do them. Does anyone feel the same way as me? I feel like no one gets this, everyone seems to think I am fine and avoids my cancer ordeal. Well I just had to vent. I had been avoiding reading the forum, kinda scared to relive my old feelings. Also I am scared I will get cancer again so I have to stay very occupied and look up funny youtube videos rather than google statics and horror stories.
Wishing everyone a fabulous night and thank you to everyone that helped me get through diagnosis and surgery. I had to do it mostly alone so having this forum helped me more than you will ever know.