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Can we skip tomorrow?

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi

I am feeling so much dread right now. I wish tomorrow would just go away.
My beloved Mother passed away on Valentines Day this year and I just miss her so.
My daughter is expecting me to come over for a BBQ dinner to celebrate Mother's Day. I really do not want to go. I told her why it was hard for me, she feels that it would be better for me to take my mind off my Mom. NOT POSSIBLE!!! She said " don't you want to be with me and the grandchildren" made me feel like I have to be there. I thought I could go for a little bit, just our small family. But now I found out that she has her inlaws and husbands siblings and their families coming also. Usually I have no problem with this, both families are always involved with each other. But I am just not wanting to deal with so many others right now. I feel trapped into going.
So yesterday I told her I might not go, but my Husband said firmly that we will be there!
I just feel like no one understands what I am feeling. All my daughters and now my husband seem to think I have had enough time to grieve. One daughter told me it's time to get on with my life.
It's hard to feel so alone right now. I thought I was feeling a little less sad, but this is rocking my world all over again.
I know I am a mom and my daughter is a mom, but I have always spent time with my mom on Mother's Day. It's just so hard.
I hate to pretend that all is well, I don't even think that I do a passable job pretending.
The tears keep flowing and I feel so lost.

Karen82
Posts: 35
Joined: Jun 2011

I know the feeling. From June of last year to June of this year will be the first without my mom. This is the first Mother's day without my mom even though I am a mom myself.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1291
Joined: Aug 2010

forme, grieving is an individual process and it takes as long as it takes. That having been said, it IS a process, albeit one in which we can expect to take two steps forward and three steps back on any given day.

If this is a daughter with whom you have always been close, and with whom honesty has alway been the policy, she may be struggling with watching your struggle. If you are still not functioning on a daily basis without major effort, you may need professional help to move on to the next stage of grief. Do kind of a mental status check on yourself and ask trusted others, if you need to,for their gauge on how you are doing.

It's going to be a hard day no matter where you are: being surrounded by those who love you and know the strength of your love for your mother could be the best place for you. Your grieving won't be left behind for the short amount of time you are surrounded by your grandchildren and daughter. But, as a mother myself, let me gently the children need the opportunity to comfort you on a difficult day. This is how they grow into compassionate adults.

What would you mother want you to do, forme?

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Noellesmom,

Thank you for your kind and very thoughtful words.
You are so right, my girls need me to be there so they can comfort me, if needed.
And, my Mom would want me to go and enjoy.
So, I will be heading over to my daughter's home shortly.
Mostly I am moving forward, but still do have my moments.
Happy Mother's Day to you Noellesmom

Lisha

Noellesmom
Posts: 1291
Joined: Aug 2010

Hugs!

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

Hi-my name is David. I lost my wife almost two years ago and my mom to cancer ten years ago. Both were totally unexpected. But that is beside the point I am trying to convey. For what its worth, you have the right to do what is best for you. If you don't feel like attending a family function, do what you want to do. Don't let others well intentions laced with guilt comments force you into a place you are not ready to attend. I am not trying to imply your family is cruel, it sounds lile they love you very much. All I am trying to say is that you have a right to be by yourself on holidays, be it Memorial Day, 4th of July, whenever, if that is what you need. You also have a choice to attend and leave early. It's okay.
YOU will know when its time to go out. There is a fine line however, between isolating and taking care of ourselves by choosing to avoid social interaction. Take it slow and be good to yourself and feel okay with saying "No, not today. Maybe later in the week."

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi David

Thank you for your kind reply. I am sorry for your losses. My brother died three years ago very suddenly. It's hard.

I did end up going over for the BBQ dinner. We stayed about two hours. It was okay and did feel good to be with the grandchildren. I was glad to get back to my home and my comfort zone.

I have been trying to do a little bit more, so I don't become to isolated. Just taking my time with everything.

Lisha

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