I just sent Big Billy a message to pass along to Craig.....Big Billy where did you go????
The post is gone---how odd. I didn't get a chance to read it yet. Maybe Sundance wanted to do some revisions/edits/additions?
Ketz asked how I was going the other day,I replied as did lovekitties and annabelle then it just disappeared,strange,Ron,
It may be that my post got the thread yanked...if so sorry to all and hopefully Craig will repost his original thread.
I didn't mean to break any rules. Just wanted to encourage him.
Sorry if it caused it to be pulled.
Marie who loves kitties
Just trying to catch my breath - just got in from the hospital:)
You didn't do anything wrong, Marie...you were sweet and thoughtful as you always are and I appreciated your comments - you are always so helpful and supportive.
I deleted my own thread...parts of it were okay, but as I kept re-reading it, I just thought it was a waste of everyone's time on this one...and it just didn't come out the way I wanted it to sound...I was hoping to make it disappear before anyone else noticed that it was posted and removed.
I want to thank all of you ladies for posting your support...I'm sorry to have deleted it, but I just thought that I should spare the group from reading all of that nonsense.
Please accept my apologies. This was embarassing and I'm truly sorry.
I for one wish you would repost it. The folks here enjoy your writings regardless of the persona sharing it with us.
Don't understand your embarassment. It was not a waste of time.
I feel certain that each of us came away with something which resonated with us...which is what your posts do!
Bring Big Billy back!
I second the motion! That was a great post Craig, I'm glad that I was able to read it. You really should consider posting it back up.
I read the whole thread yesterday. It kept me entertained throughout the day while i was at work. I needed to hear from BB. My scan came back clean last week and i was rewarded with more chemo. It absolutely destroyed me this time. This was my 29th round over the past 6 years and it was by far the worst. It left me questioning everything.
I just came on to read it, as I didn't get a chance to yesterday....
Craig, you dear sweet man. So much going on in your life and you took the time to write me a beautiful post. "You had been thinking about me" Selfish? I think not.
You write for escape and to make us smile. Selfish? I think not.
You are handling your dad's affairs and dad. Selfish? I think not.
You are dealing with you own illness and still running around trying to care for everyone else. Selfish? PUlleese!
Take care of those chest pains. We are all selfish enough to want you around for a long time.
If you ever call yourself selfish again, I will hunt you down and smack the bejesus out of you,.
Hugs my friend,
I love it!
Someone has to keep Craig on the right side of himself!
Marie who loves kitties
You ladies (my honeys), know that with me - "It Takes a Village..."
I never said it would be easy:)
LOL! LOL! LOL!
woohoo, we made you smile. yay us.
but i will hunt u down so remember what i said.
Call me and tell me you're coming...and I'll roll out the welcome wagon and give you a great big Texas bear hug - one of my specialities:)
Nobody has ever asked me for a refund - not yet, anyway:)
BTW, you always make me smile...you're good for me:)
aww, if you ever come to Tampa, let me know, I got a Texan for a son in law so I know how good a Texas bear hug can be. really, be my guest, we'll go see mickey mouse. ; )
Well, after Leena's post, it struck me that I f'd up. She and I were talking about the new avatar I had up...and I told her it tied into the new post I was working on - and then she comes to see it, only to find it gone.
I guess I should not have pulled the trigger so hastily. I've really been overwhelmed as most of you know - and at times things can get a little confusing and my nerves are frayed.
One of the church sisters is still trying to make my life miserable at every turn...she's up to something and we're just waiting for her to make her move...it looks like she may have enlisted hospital personnel to help her at every facility we've been to. Despite me trying to lock it down, she has fanagled her way into building alliances and working against me in any fashion that she can. The whole thing looks like some sort of conspiracy theory, but I can't prove anything definitively.
Of course, when she does show her hand, I'll pick up the phone and call the atty to address whatever course of action she tries. She's not the type to lay down - there is something in it that she is trying to get and you just get to where you can't even trust the administrators that are in charge of these places - so much deception and bad human nature on display.
And we're moving dad all the time - here, there, everywhere and there's just not a minute break....we have had some applicance breakdowns at home the past few months and just recently had the washer/dryer combo give it up (not fixable anymore) and so we've found ourselves down at the laundromat on the w/ends trying to get some towels and clothes to wear for the week.
And I'm running non-stop for dad, handling all of his affairs, making inquiries, and trying to put all of it together...and of course, it's thankless...dad is pissed off at me...I guess from not being there every single day...but I've got all of his business and we never get to any of ours anymore...we can't get to the grocery store or make lunches for work, there is just nothing left.
And then I ask him if the 'sister' had come by...and then he transforms himself and glows and points to his chest - the message is 'she loves me.' Whenever me and Kim come see him, all we get is a scowl and he closes up and won't talk...anybody else comes by and all of a sudden, he can talk and is no longer using sign language.
It's galling - we're working our ass off for this guy and he $hits on us everyday and twice on Sundays. And I think I've handled his affairs admirable and have a pretty good handle, but it takes all of my time outside of work.
So, with all of that going on, we have been going mad...and I've tried to use my writing to divert my attention off of all of that to see if it can bring me a sense of any relief. It's helped me some. The fun has been sucked out of me and I thought some creative writing would help to keep me sane.
I had opened up the story of BB, which was a precursor to the one I just closed...and that one was supposed to be a setup for another fun project that I wanted to do for $hits and giggles for the group.
I did put alot of time into that post - I worked on it during my lunch breaks and it took me about 7-8 days to write it. There were parts I thought were pretty funny and BB had a couple of stories and a dream story of his own - so it was all in good fun etc.
And then something just snapped...there were alot of new folks who just came on board this week...and when that happens, there is a flurry of new activity and questions and exchanges between the new folks...and when I saw that they needed help, I just sort of asked myself why my post was even there.
They are too new to get the gag...so I thought it was better to open up the space for real posts and perhaps find some calmer waters to possibly look at this again. It just seemed silly to me to talk about the things that were unimportant when compared to the scope of cancer and new members needing some real help.
I guess alot of my friends were off-line and with the influx of new members, I could see that this post was just not right for the time. Most of the time, I try and weave a post in here and there, when it looks like things are calmer than normal. I just happened to open it on a day when there was alot of new activity.
I just felt selfish I guess. I've really been under the gun...all of the things going have really been too much for me...as much emotional as it is physical. My chest gets tight every time I go to visit and the sense of dread is overpowering...a couple of times last week, I thought about going to the ER, because my chest was so heavy, I thought it was going to collapse.
Just work, work, and no fun...BB was my sort of fun post...just a new way to write - going through Big Billy...I thought it was kind of clever.
I will re-think this...I can't open the next post or do what I wanted to do, if I don't have this post as the set-up....BB was going to YouTube as part of the dream sequence I wrote about...he was going to sing one of ZZ Top's song and then I was going to post a link so you could check it out and get a chuckle....
I'm trying to find the fun again:)
Well, there you have it - straight from the horse's ass:)
I was wrong and I know that now...had I been thinking clearer, I would have left it lay and die a natural death. As always, thank you all for your supportive words to me and the Double B...I know most people don't care for him and I get that...some of you do like him though...and it was for you, that I did it in the first place.
He's very real to me and he was born from a tough time in my life and I dig him and just wanted to have some fun with him and use him to talk about some things I've had going in the "3rd person."
I wanted to have fun with my friends, because I have little else to live for, if I'm being perfectly honest...and you know I don't fib.
This has just been such a bad episode in our lives - and everywhere I turn, there is nowhere to hide....only when I lay down at night and finally get unconscious is there any peace...and then between 530-600, I have to get up and look at it all again.
And me and Kim's health stuff is on both of our minds....things are just endless and I want so much for some type of stability or closure...
Thanks for listening - and that's what happened....you all know that I bleed too, right?
Craig, you, Kim and of course Big Billy are always in my thoughts and prayers.
You are always in my thoughts. We have been so busy and I've not been much on the boards lately, but plan to be more soon very soon. Sorry you are going through so much and remember, never ever feel that what you have to say is not worthy of a post. Even though there will always be "new members", you are a valued part of this group and I've always welcomed all your posts. Don't run from what is in your heart.
You have come to know me so well. You are part of that "2009 Class" that was such a special time on the boards...it warms my heart to still see you here and posting. We have talked many times about a good many things.
I need friends like you in my life that care for me - and can help me back up when I stumble...I've never hid the fact that I am vulnerable, fallible, frail and weak at different times of my life...they are as important as all of the strong virtures - as the two worlds collide to form the man that I've become...still a work in progress...and probably always will be.
I so love everyone here, but this morning, I've thought about all of our old friends, whose faces I would have seen on this post - faces and voices that I miss and whose absences still haunts my soul.
It still remains a phenomenon to me how closely we tie together to one another...how all of our feelings that we express and share can be received and understood by our fellow bretheren. Everything is always as real as what we want to make it - and how we choose to see it.
As with any medium used for communication - "There is a Sender - and the other end - there is a Receiver."
Thank you so much for continuing to be on the 'receiving end' - during those times in my life, when I need to send out an SOS:)
Oh Craig.. you didn't screw up at all!!! Take care of yourself and Kim first, you've got so much on your plate right now. We'll catch up with BB in future posts, no worries :)
I'm not quite done with this post...couple of more things I wanted to add...I'll be back to re-visit this.
Well, I've been doing some thinking about lots of things...nothing completely clear to me, other than the fact, that sometimes life can just be too much for anyone to stand up against indefinitely, regardless of how strong we are - or how strong that we think we are.
All of us are just one breath away from being humbled by the mighty tides that can wash across us at a moment's notice - leaving us as only a shadow in its wake.
That's where I found myself last week...and to a large extent that's where I still am - caught in the maelstrom and seemingly unable to escape its strong grasp around my soul.
This dad thing has worn me out - just down to bone on bone. We have been "Waiting to Exhale" but instead, just find ourselves gasping for breath as each merciless day turns on end to form another.
There just seems to be no end in sight - so much is out of the realm of my control and while I've been able to navigate the treacherous rocks that threaten to shatter our hull, I can only hunker down and hold on as the storm rages around us.
Most of the storms in our life pass over us - but in cases like this and so many other of life's difficulties - the storm sometimes has to pass directly through you in order for you to understand and appreciate the calmer waters that surely will materialize.
I want some resolution and stability back into my life - this stuff with my dad has been so bad, that it has made me wish for cancer once again, so I could at least have an excuse to cut myself free...but as I always talk about, there always comes a time in life when you have to turn and face the situation with as much aplomb as one can muster.
Alot of forces came into play last week at the same time and the results were almost devastating. Writing had been my saving grace up to this point, but last week, it all just seemed so hollow and worthless. Suddenly, it just seemed like so much bull$hit to me.
We've had all the normal problems in life at the same time - car repairs, hail damage to Kim's car from the storm, washer/dryer breakdowns that have left us running to the laundromat expending time that we don't have in abundance for the last 7-weeks...and will probably be a few more.
And dad and all his issues - having to take time off from the office to chase down his social security stuff, to try and do his taxes with no info, to handling and meeting with all the hospital advisors on courses of action etc. etc.
And still trying to hold onto our jobs and then the thoughts of Kim being sick - and the thought that I might be sick again too - just too damn tired to hardly think about it.
I can take a lot - but it just all came together. So much so, that I had made the decision to just let go - I just didn't give a blank anymore about anything...to struggle, to fight, and to not be able to seemingly find any control back in one's life.
I guess the feelings of Despondency and Hopelessness came into play full force. I had thoughts of if I had cancer, "big deal"...I had decided I wasn't even going to fight at all - not one lick...I saw death as preferable to life....my dad's deal has had more to do with this than anything else...
The book I had hoped for wasn't panning out either, so it left me wondering what was the point anymore, you know? I'm just tired...of everything...and of everything not working out...or working out like I hoped it would.
And I was ready to quit writing - I had planned posts I wanted to write, but figured to hell with it, I'm done with the stories, I've had it. I was prepared to quit trying on my book, and just couldn't find any interest in life at all anymore.
It was some heavy enlightenment to be sure.
And then this post came in - innocently enough by Janie1...and then the women here in my life began responding in the open forum as well as via PM...one such email really hit me where it hurt...because she was hurt at what she was seeing.
She reminded me that there are some folks who liked to read about Big Billy and other things that I wrote about cancer and life....and that if all I did was write about cancer, that would be boring and that she wanted to share the things in my life that I write about.
It got me to thinking...
In Life, there are always crucial events that can shape and alter one's lives - alot of times, they are the innocuous things that one wouldn't think would or wouldn't make a difference....to come to know this person the way that I have...and to witness her growth, I could feel her outreach to me...and I 'saw' what she was trying to tell me.
Don't ever think that I don't learn something myself from so many of you...that email that night, possibly saved alot of things that morning I read it.
I realized that I've just got to try and weather through all of this...but it just can't come quick enough...
In the meantime...I've decided to write the Big Billy post again - I'm going to rethink it and probably rewrite pieces of it - I've got some new stories I'd like to substitute...and I had wanted to do something sort of fun and crazy on YouTube with Big Billy and myself.
I can't do it without having the post as a lead-in to what I'm planning on doing...or it probably would not make any sense.
For all things - there is a reason - and I'm looking at this as that reason...something I might look back on one day and have an even better understanding from what happened the other day.
Real growth comes from things like this - so thank you, ladies (you know who you are) for not letting me get too far down the road...you never know, if you don't holler, I might just keep going.
And keep going, I will - right back to this board...for all of those who wouldn't mind seeing me disappear - sorry, you almost got your chance, but no bananna - not this time, but there's always tomorrow.
I'll be in touch with the rewrite and re-post...even if you read it the first time, there will surely be something new...just wade through the parts you already read:)
Craig and Big Billy...and let's not forget...The Lion
So very glad to see this post...looks like you have gotten a new wind beneath your wings!
Soar my friend, and keep writing to us as only you and Big Billy can.
Yes, ROAR again for those who have gone before.
Keep looking for that rainbow...it will show up!
Hugs to you and Kim,