slapped in the face

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undertreatment2012
undertreatment2012 Member Posts: 126
in Ovarian Cancer #1
I know none of you know my husband or the kind of man he is. Let me tell you he is deeply caring, has been a rock, and taken very good care of me. Which may be hard for some of you to believe when I tell you how he stuck his foot in his mouth yesterday. I am newly diagnosed with Stage 1a, tumor grade 3. Very aggressive and we were not expecting the tumor grade to be so bad. Post surgical from the end of February, as you can imagine, getting back into regular clothes took a while, and when I went for first chemo treatment I just wanted to be comfortable. I wore gray sweats, my chemo cap and a tee shirt. Yesterday we were planning for my next treatment, the sickness and so forth and he said. "maybe if you... put on some nicer clothes, a little makeup, you would do better next time. It has to be depressing to look like you are homeless while you are there". Well you can imagine, I dont even have to say. As soon as he said it he knew how it sounded and he broke down. Now I know the kind of man he is and what he really meant. I believe he really meant, that because I become depressed so easily, that if I just push a little bit to pamper myself or "fix up" that it would make me feel better. You know how us girls are. A little lip gloss works wonders. In the end, he is still reeling from what he said and apologizing and emotional. I have told him all is forgiven, but there is still a little something there. I guess with prayer I can let it go. I told him I am scared and feel bad enough that I did not need to hear that, and now I dont believe him when he does compliment me. URRRRH, such a set back in my feeling supported. I know this is more of a personal and emotional issue for the board, but I needed to just put it in writing I guess, just to get it off my chest.
Besides Bald is Beautiful. Right???

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  • Tethys41
    Tethys41 Member Posts: 1,382 Member
    #2
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    Welcome to the world of caregivers
    I guess it is just inevitabe that some of our caregivers will say the wrong things. I had one that kept insisting I should get dressed up for dinner, when I was at an integrative clinic. Really? My belly was so big from ascites that I couldn't even begin to put a pair of pants on. Oversized night shirts were all I could get into. People are trying to find the right things to say from their own perspective and cannot always see if from ours. My husband said a lot of unforgivable things when I was going through treatment, yet I didn't even acknowledge what he said. I figured I was better off focusing on getting well.
  • carolenk
    carolenk Member Posts: 907 Member
    #3
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    I can totally understand how
    I can totally understand how BOTH of you feel. There is something to be said for making an effort to look pretty even when one feels awful inside. Sometimes, I feel like it's a big accomplishment if I take a shower! Ha!

    I know you will let this one slide as your husband did not mean to hurt you with his comments. He misses his "pre-cancer wife" and knows she's still in there.
  • AnneBehymer
    AnneBehymer Member Posts: 738 Member
    #4
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    I know he did not mean it to hurt you
    That just goes under the "I just don't know what to say" he wont be the only one to say something that hurts and not helpping. Tell him what you are feeling so he understands that it now takes a lot more out of us doing the little things and we just don't feel like makeing ourself up right now. The baggy shirt and sweats is normal for chemo I don't know about you but I was on 8 hours of chemo and I need something comfortable while I was just sitting there. Don't be to hard on him or yourself for what you are feeling and what he said this is all new to the two of you and there have to be leaning cruves to what we say and do.


    Love, Hugs, and Prayers
    Anne
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #5
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    Here;s a good one
    A week before my mom passed, we discovered a 13 inch tumor around her liver and it was causing clots...I silently prayed for a clot to blow and make the end quick....but....instead the doctor gave us a drug that we had to inject into my mother's stomach....the only other injections I had ever given were to my dog, Ellie, and so I, thinking, this was a great metaphor, said see MOm just like "Ellie".....well.....she looked at the social worker and with the most intense anger ever,,,,told her that I was comparing her to a dog.....man I felt bad.....he loves you...... we caretakers don't know what to say sometimes....it's hard not to be able to fix it.....in fact, it's excruciatingly painful......I'm sorry he said something so insensitive.....and well, he's trying......idk if this helps but....
  • leesag
    leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
    #6
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    Honey,
    In the grand scheme
    Honey,

    In the grand scheme of things, what he said wasn't awful. He just doesn't understand that when you are getting chemo, feeling comfortable is much more important than feeling pretty! Of course, I went into this "adventure" knowing that I wasn't going to be looking my best. I bought the wigs, and couldn't stand 'em. I bought the scarves and loved that look when I was out and it was cool, but the scarves came off the minute I felt warm! Big floppy hats when the sun was out, and a generous layer of sunscreen was my summer headgear. As for makeup, I didn't wear makeup until I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. I got very good at brushing eyebrows on with brow powder (Anastasia has a kit complete with stencils), and dark brown eyeliner did a very nice job of simulating eyelashes. I don't mind looking "homeless" when I'm comfortable, and I know my husband loves me, even if he's telling me a huge fib when he tells me that I'm beautiful ( with extra poundage due to steroids and hypothyroidism, a bald stripe down the center of my head from radiation, not to mention the Frankenstein scar going across my cranium) and he still makes me feel beautiful. Because after all, he loves me enough to look past all of those things and into my soul.

    I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that your husband feels exactly the same way about you!

    Hugs Honey!


    Leesa
  • undertreatment2012
    undertreatment2012 Member Posts: 126
    #7
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    caregivers
    thanks for the comments and I feel MUCH better because of them. Now that you say so, it is true sometimes people just want you to be who you were, take the jokes and be ok. But really, thank God for the people He has put in my life at this time. Ever wonder why we were singled out to be so strong? I will ponder that today. Everyone have a pain free, stress free day!
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #8
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    this is the place
    for emotional and personal issues... where else can we go but to our teal sisters who understand! I'll bet your husband is a "fixer" like mine is. They want to make it all better and in our situation, it's beyond their power. Three cheers for the caregivers even though they sometimes try to walk around with one foot in their mouths.
    (((HUGS))) Maria
  • ktamp
    ktamp Member Posts: 81
    #9
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    I feel the same way when my
    I feel the same way when my husband suggests that I wear my wig. It feels like a dig at me and that he doesn't like the way I look without. I have chosen not to wear a wig because it is hot and uncomfortable. I feel like I have made peace with how I look without hair and I do not appreciate getting comments that essentially tell me I would look better with my wig.

    And if you aren't one on already, I would look at getting on an antidepressant like effexor. Dealing with sudden menopause AND chemo is a challenge. The effexor helps my moods and helps with the hot flashes.

    And lastly there probably is some truth in that you do feel better when you make a little effort in your appearnce. My husband got me this ridiculously expensive diamond necklace for christmas. I do not know what posessed him. It was so much money and I rarely wear jewelry anyway. I do however wear that baby on chemo days. It just puts me in a better mood to wear those diamonds. I do not bother to make my clothes match the necklace. I wear it with sweats and jeans or whatever else I have chosen to wear to chemo that day.
  • undertreatment2012
    undertreatment2012 Member Posts: 126
    #10
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    ktamp said:

    I feel the same way when my
    I feel the same way when my husband suggests that I wear my wig. It feels like a dig at me and that he doesn't like the way I look without. I have chosen not to wear a wig because it is hot and uncomfortable. I feel like I have made peace with how I look without hair and I do not appreciate getting comments that essentially tell me I would look better with my wig.

    And if you aren't one on already, I would look at getting on an antidepressant like effexor. Dealing with sudden menopause AND chemo is a challenge. The effexor helps my moods and helps with the hot flashes.

    And lastly there probably is some truth in that you do feel better when you make a little effort in your appearnce. My husband got me this ridiculously expensive diamond necklace for christmas. I do not know what posessed him. It was so much money and I rarely wear jewelry anyway. I do however wear that baby on chemo days. It just puts me in a better mood to wear those diamonds. I do not bother to make my clothes match the necklace. I wear it with sweats and jeans or whatever else I have chosen to wear to chemo that day.

    feel the same
    i see my pcp on monday and he may suggest an antidepressant, I am a MESS!! I know exactly what you mean about the "suggestions" and the diamonds to chemo is an AWESOME idea. Good for you, that made me smile. They only know what to do as best they can I guess.

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