Mar 10, 2012 - 12:40 am
I can barely even type right now I'm crying so hard. I didn't know where else to turn to let this out. I don't share these moments with friends. I think it would make them feel uncomfortable. This week has stunk. Just challenges of life but I forged through it. Then two hours ago I did something stupid. I had tons of missed calls on my cell I hadn't answered while at work and so I decided I'd start cleaning up my phone. I removed numbers and old messages and without thinking clicked on my photos. I had completely forgotten I'd taken a few shots of mom about 2 weeks before she passed. I wanted to die. All week I'd wished so much she was here to talk to. She was my touchstone. I could tell her anything. Complain about anyone or any situation and she'd just listen and I'd know anything I said would never be spoken to another person. I needed that this week. She never tried to fix or psychoanalyze a situation for me she'd pretty much let me talk it out myself to the point of peronal resolve. I think she found pride in the fact I was capable of doing that for most of my life.
So anyways, I see these photos of her sweet little self just grinning away and it all just came crashing down. Every thing we'd been through. Not just during the cancer but for life. I feel so gutted. I don't even understand what my point for being on this earth was for. I took care of her and saw a lot of heartache and the final blow was just awful. I remember that day I took those photos. She was in so much pain that day. She asked me if she asked me to take her life would I? Something like that was no longer a hypothetical topic just to talk about but in fact it was now part of our reality. I started to cry and I told her I just couldn't. I'd have to take my own life along with hers if I did something like that. I told her what I was also thinking and had been thinking all along was PLEASE God put it into me. Let me be the one to have that disease. Don't let her suffer like this any longer. Enough is enough.
Then she said.. I couldn't live without you. It was odd, because in my mind I thought back then she's right. She was a strong little lady but there were area's I was stronger and I know this one I'm better at. My compassion and love for her is so great I wouldn't want her to ache over my loss and I know she would so I'll do it. I'll carry the loss. I didn't over indulge in that thought back then to understand the enormity of such a loss. I guess after all the years of garbage I'd learned through her how to avoid certain things. However, if one of us had to go and the other stay I'd still say I'll stay and carry the loss. I'd die a million deaths if I had to watch her in daily sorrow missing me.
Ache is an understatement. Next wed it will be three months and right now it seems like it hurts worse. I can't believe how this all ended. I can't believe I'm left with digging in my mind to find moments of happiness that to some would seem like nothing because our lifes journey was constantly filled with challenges. I just want this all to be a horrid dream and I want to wake up. I could never tell our story in detail. It would be like one of those moments in a movie where there are flash backs as someone recounts an event. You see it played out visually because there is no way you really get it just hearing about those moments. You flash fwd to the present and the ones listening look stunned. Almost disgusted. Not at you but at how raw life can be for some.
So I'm feeling a bit isolated and realizing the one and only person I could release my inner most thoughts and feelings in detail is gone. It seems like every thing was taken from me and it was taken so brutally. It's just one of those emotional crashing moments that is so intense the ache is in every fiber and joint. It goes to a place so deep it rips at my soul. In this moment I just needed to get this out there. To release just a bit of it.