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How to I survive my Mom's death?

Solacina
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2012

It won't be much longer now before my Mom leaves this world forever. One week ago, I am stressing about changing her depends, days later its switching her to very soft foods, and now she is practically in a coma.
I am a MESS as you can imagine.
A few days ago we had a foley catheter put in. It really relieved my Mom's anxiety about going to the bathroom, but within 24 hours, we never understood anything she has said again.
Yesterday, she had a fever and needed massive amounts of medicine. Her lungs are filling up with fluid and they started her on oxygen. All I can hear is the "death rattle" with every breath she takes. She has not been conscious most of the day and I just tried to wake her for meds and could not get her conscious.
YES-- I have nurses-- YES she is on hospice-- YES I know what is happening-- I know what I am supposed to do. No-- I'm not panicked. I am SCARED for the PAIN of when the breathing stops.. She is my Mom... My heart is going to come flying out of my chest when her heart stops. I just know it.
This is happening so rapidly. I am in denial that I have communicated with my mother for the last time ever-- I am sobbing as I type this. I am trying to stay strong because my brother is an even bigger mess than I am-- she is the only person in the world who ever loved him more than anything.
PLEASE TELL ME HOW I AM GOING TO SURVIVE HER DEATH?? Who do I talk to? Who do i lean on? My father is not in our life-- so when she is gone, we will be orphans. Yes by age I am an adult-- but who really is??!! I'm a terrified little girl inside! I am about to become mother to my brother-- I am about to be the one who tells him what to do like my mother did for his last 35 years.
I know NO ONE who's lost their mother like this-- i need any help-- tell me what I am going to feel? Thank you.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

Solacina, my heart goes out to you. I just lost my mom a little over 2 months ago. I to am officially an adult orphan. I also provided the primary care for my mother and was so focused on that I never really stopped to digest where we really were headed with all of this. After 9 months of a more slower digression out of nowhere she entered the end stages. For those last 4 days of her life looking back on it I think I was in complete shock. I did every thing required with ease but it wasn't until she actually took her last breath that it all came crashing down on me. I'd blocked all those emotions out so I could focus on her comfort. So be prepared for that moment. To this day I'm still wondering what was more scary. Really seeing my mother not breathing or having all these emotions come crashing down on me at once. I can't really tell you how you are going to survive your moms death. I'm still trying to figure that out myself, but I can tell you that you will not go through it alone. You've got your brother. Hold him close. Become a unit of strength and comfort for one another. I wish so much my brother were here with me but unfortunately we lost him tragically as well. Don't even try to script whats going to come next after your moms gone. I thought I could and there is simply no way to prepare for the enormity of emotions. I wish I could prepare you for the things people will say and do that will surprise you and confuse you further. I wish I could block that veil of unbearable grief that shrouds you out of nowhere at any given moment. I can't but I can send you positive thoughts and let you know there is someone out there who is going through something very similar. The relationship and journey I took with my mom for my entire life was very unique. Losing her has literally ended who I once was and thus I begin a new life very confused where I'm headed.

Solacina
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2012

Thank you so much Cosmic_Me. That is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. Hugs to you my orphaned friend. We are days away and I haven't planed her services yet and cannot focus at all-- trying so hard to do it...

evange1956
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2011

My 93 year old mom passed away on 02/22/2012 from a tumor in her ear. As I write this I can not believe the words. My world has changed in the blink of an eye. I feel like dying just to be with her. Oh how I miss her. Alot of people say that I should be happy that she lived this long. I say it wasnt long enough. I feel like I'm learning how to walk all over again.

nelly19
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2012

Dear Solacina,

I just want to tell you I literally had the chills reading your story. I felt like i was reading my own story. On 2/3/2012 my world ended. My sweet angel my mother who was my everything passed away. I feel as if i died with her. My mother battled with peritoneal mestothelioma a rare cancer caused by asbestos. She was diagnosed in 2005 and was given 6 months to live but fought a long battle and at the end lost. She was under intensive chemo therapy and had a few surgeries but always it came back. She also had a bowel obstuction and wasnt able to eat or drink anything for months and was on tpn and lipids. I watched her beg for water and was helpless. The thought of losing my mom drove me off the edge. Also just like you it is me and my brother and my mom was our everything we are both lost without her and are also young adults but it doesnt matter. I know what you mean when you say you feel like a little girl inside thats exactly how i feel. We watched her die it was the hardest thing in the world but she suffered to long. I dont understand why god does this to nice people I just dont get it. It doesnt matter how old you are losing a mother is devastating. Keep in mind you have to think of it like this at least they are not suffering anymore. We are all going to reunite one day once again. I think about her and cry everyday and feel like im going to loose it but then i think she wouldnt want me to be going crazy. My life will never be the same without her im so alone. I just want you to know you are not alone. If you ever need to talk to someone please feel free to email me Nelly19@att.net sometimes its comforting speaking to other people that have been through the same difficult times. Take care of yourself and remember your mom would not want to see you guys depressed and crying.. Be strong . God Bless You

nelly19
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2012

Dear Solacina,

I just want to tell you I literally had the chills reading your story. I felt like i was reading my own story. On 2/3/2012 my world ended. My sweet angel my mother who was my everything passed away. I feel as if i died with her. My mother battled with peritoneal mestothelioma a rare cancer caused by asbestos. She was diagnosed in 2005 and was given 6 months to live but fought a long battle and at the end lost. She was under intensive chemo therapy and had a few surgeries but always it came back. She also had a bowel obstuction and wasnt able to eat or drink anything for months and was on tpn and lipids. I watched her beg for water and was helpless. The thought of losing my mom drove me off the edge. Also just like you it is me and my brother and my mom was our everything we are both lost without her and are also young adults but it doesnt matter. I know what you mean when you say you feel like a little girl inside thats exactly how i feel. We watched her die it was the hardest thing in the world but she suffered to long. I dont understand why god does this to nice people I just dont get it. It doesnt matter how old you are losing a mother is devastating. Keep in mind you have to think of it like this at least they are not suffering anymore. We are all going to reunite one day once again. I think about her and cry everyday and feel like im going to loose it but then i think she wouldnt want me to be going crazy. My life will never be the same without her im so alone. I just want you to know you are not alone. If you ever need to talk to someone please feel free to email me Nelly19@att.net sometimes its comforting speaking to other people that have been through the same difficult times. Take care of yourself and remember your mom would not want to see you guys depressed and crying.. Be strong . God Bless You

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