Feb 28, 2012 - 10:46 pm
what a horrible few minutes. Things have changed so much since my partner died 8 1/2 weeks ago that I have to change my language even. I used to say what a great day or what a long afternoon. Now I have to look st things in terms of emotional roller coaster moments. We spent so much time trying to live life normally that I am wholly unprepared to live life on my own. I get through all day teaching, trying to be normal just because I don't want to deal with THEIR fears, sadness, concern, whatever so I just try to be like the old me. The tears and sadness don't begin immediately as I get into my car. Not everyday. I had someone ask me if, now that I am alone, would I start dating men or would I still be gay? I have started to tune out most people. 80% say "You don't want to hear this, but it gets easier..." You are right, I don't. So. Don't. Say. It. To. Me. And maybe I don't want it to get better. Maybe I want to wallow in my sadness because I have spent 2 years stuffing it down while we dealt with trying to beat cancer that now I just want to tread in it for a few minutes. And what does get easier mean, anyway? Im gonna stop feeling as much for her? I mean, I KNOW what they really mean... eventually you just get used to life without them. It's like I had life A and now I am beginning Life B. A lot of stuff is the same; but altered. It's like I entered an alternate universe. I really am tired of being on the bipolar express of grief. It's hard and it makes me weary.