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willendorf
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2010

what a horrible few minutes. Things have changed so much since my partner died 8 1/2 weeks ago that I have to change my language even. I used to say what a great day or what a long afternoon. Now I have to look st things in terms of emotional roller coaster moments. We spent so much time trying to live life normally that I am wholly unprepared to live life on my own. I get through all day teaching, trying to be normal just because I don't want to deal with THEIR fears, sadness, concern, whatever so I just try to be like the old me. The tears and sadness don't begin immediately as I get into my car. Not everyday. I had someone ask me if, now that I am alone, would I start dating men or would I still be gay? I have started to tune out most people. 80% say "You don't want to hear this, but it gets easier..." You are right, I don't. So. Don't. Say. It. To. Me. And maybe I don't want it to get better. Maybe I want to wallow in my sadness because I have spent 2 years stuffing it down while we dealt with trying to beat cancer that now I just want to tread in it for a few minutes. And what does get easier mean, anyway? Im gonna stop feeling as much for her? I mean, I KNOW what they really mean... eventually you just get used to life without them. It's like I had life A and now I am beginning Life B. A lot of stuff is the same; but altered. It's like I entered an alternate universe. I really am tired of being on the bipolar express of grief. It's hard and it makes me weary.

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

Sending you a hug! We are on the basic time line. I lost my mom 8 1/2 weeks ago. I love your definition of all the crazy emotions ( the bipolar express ) because I'm right there with you. I must say every day I wish I had a shirt that says.. "please don't ask" or "I'm fine. Stop asking me that" and yes I've gotten that same comment about it getting easier. I've come to realize just like you it's not that it's going to get easier it's going to be like the scab that just remains a scab forever and you get use to that scab. Does that make it any easier? Nah and right now with all of this being so new and all those crazy emotions I don't want to hear it gets "easier" I agree about that weary feeling as well. Last week I made a vow to myself I'd stop trying to perform for every one to assure them I was doing OK. Along with that whole smile with no life in your eye's and trying to stay physically busy til you drop so you actually won't have to think about much when you sleep I've come to the point where I just have to slow down. I wish I could take your sorry away.

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