Feb 25, 2012 - 1:08 am
Ok, I swear I won't write an entire book this time. I just need to get something off of me and this place seems to really help. Besides the anger issues I'm trying my hardest to deal with today something hit me with so much enormity I had to pull my truck over because I was bawling so hard I couldn't see to drive. I thought I had addressed this and moved passed it but it is obvious I never really embraced it up until it finally broke free and crashed down. I am an adult orphan. I've said it. I said it before mom passed a little over two months ago. I thought that was my moment of dealing with it coming my way. I said it maybe once or twice after she passed but today what it really means and how big that title is just seems overwhelming. They are all gone. I watched my big brother die 19 years ago. Watched my dad who I had a very strained relationship with die last year and then two months ago I watched my mom take her last breath. What the hell? They all left me here. I've got no one to turn to. All my peoples are dead.
I'm single with no children. Early 40's and still get mistaken for being in my early 30's. You'd have to know me to understand that I'm more inclined later on to simply date multiple people vs ever just sticking with one. I hate clingy relationships. Kids are a no go for me. They are real sweet. Even sweeter knowing they are someone elses who go home and drive their parents up the wall while I have a little peace :) My Grandparents are gone. The three people I shared my beginning and middle including one of the most cherished magical christmas ever as a child are all gone. Two of whom ( Mom and my brother ) I could share anything with. I'm not too trusting to open up to people. I never realized just how big this all was until today. This isn't self pity. I don't want to feel like this. I feel empty. I feel like nobodys child. Nobodys sibling. I'm way too young to have no one. I have never allowed even my closest friends all the way into my life. I can't even think of future holidays at this point. How did this happen? I don't think I'm stupid for sitting here bawling about this and feeling miserable. There has to be other oprhaned adults who feel completely misplaced after their entire immediate family is whiped out? I just haven't given it any thought other than just saying it up until it decided to say hello to me with great intensity on the way home from work. As I drove down my street and the neighbors waived I waived back fighting the tears and I kept saying I don't know these people and no one knows me. I got no one to call family and know they really are family. God, some times I wonder what the point is of going forward. Everything is half the life it was. Ok I'm done. Just needed to get some of that out. This orphaned adults gonna go have popcorn and watch an old movie and most likely pick one that I can recall watching with all my peoples when they were alive. God this sucks.