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Crocodile tears for Mark

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Hello all,

I went back to the time I first started posting on CSN to reread what I have wrote and all the great replies. I saved them to my computer to reflect on the Journey that my loving husband took in 2011. I still miss him so much. I have a journal that I write in daily to Mark. I constantly cry crocodile tears from the time I wake up 'alone' in the morning til the time I go to bed at night 'alone'. I absolutely hate my new life without Mark. I have never ever experienced this pain of a broken heart in my life. Everyday is a reminder of last year's events.

I have been going to a support group on Tuesday nights (except for the last two) and have a grief counselor come by once a week or every other week. I am constantly sad and everyone I know has accepted the fact that I will never be the "same old Kelly".

Yesterday I went into one of our bedside drawers and found all the cards that Mark got for me during our life together. I brought them out here and I am going to display the ones for the time of the holiday eg: Valentines Day coming up. He put so much thought in these cards then and they still have great meaning to me to this day. I am having a real hard time with him being gone...wishing that this was just all a bad dream.

My Mark is a very unique person and I know I will never find another man like him. He is one of a kind. A friend of mine posted this below as a message for me. It made me think of our togetherness a different way.

"Kelly - Hey you - When you were here, you said something that stuck with me - you wondered how God could find you the perfect man, give you six years, and then take him from you. I kept pondering that statement you made and asked God why He would do that - although He always has a plan for our lives - this is what I felt after a few weeks of thinking on it. I believe God was a part of the two of you being together, but God knows our beginning from our end and He KNEW Mark was going to die in a few years. Try looking at it His way - Instead of God giving you to Mark - I believe He gave Mark to you - Mark needed to find the love of his life before he left this earth. God gave him that in YOU. God made Mark's last years of his life the happiest years of his entire life - He did that through you. Know that you made his life on this earth finally worthwhile. God gave him YOU. I love you and I want to see you at peace again. Your FB postings show your sorrow, but God used you - Find honor in that. Hope I worded this right - wouldnt want to make you feel worse or insulted - love you Kelly-Donna B."

Sorry this is so long, I felt that I needed to type.

Everyone take care and God Bless!!
~Kelly
wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC w/mets

tufi000's picture
tufi000
Posts: 436
Joined: Jun 2005

It is great to see you posting Kelly, you have been missed. This will all take a very long time, and even though I could say things about being grateful or lucky or fortunate for what you had, I know it doesn't really help to get through the day. I am glad you are in a support group and someone checks up on you.
You have so much going for you and can offer much to this world yet. Please take care of yourself, I wish you the best.

Sherry

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1975
Joined: Aug 2011

I found this video and website relating to grief in response
to a post I made to someone dealing with the holidays coming up, etc.
on a different board.

Moving on Past Grief:
=====================

Moving on past grief

It covers these topics:

How do I move past my grief in a healthy way?
What is 'journaling' and how can it help me grieve?
What are some common 'triggers' of grief?
How do I get through the holidays without my loved one?
Is it healthy to hang on to my loved one's belongings?
How do I fill the gap my loved one has left in my life?
How long is considered 'too long' to grieve?

The main site below has several topics related to grief/bereavement:
====================================================================

Bereavement

There's no right or wrong way or "normal" time frame in dealing with this
and it's pretty individual. Wiping your tears from here and big hugs
across the Internet...

Jim

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Thanks Sherry and Jim! I have seen those videos and I read the chapters of a book that the grieving support group hands out when I go. Like you all said, everyone grieves in their own and unique way. I am doing the best I can with my new life and it is very difficult. Like I said, I am sad and everyone knows that I am sad. I am not afraid to hide it. When people come to me and ask me what is wrong (if they don't know) I tell them all about Mark. I love talking about him.

I went for a job interview Thursday and mainly talked about Mark. They must of loved the compassion I have for my husband (along with my qualifications for the position). It seems that I presented myself so well and have good qualifications (and great stories about my husband) that they hired me. That is a great accomplishment for me because of the lack of jobs in this area. Prior to my interview I asked Mark to be with me, guide me, help me so that I may get this job. He was definitely with me!!! I know he is watching over me, helping me until we meet again. I will do the best I can until we do meet again.

I just wish that he was here physically so I could get one of his "congrats" hugs. Then we would celebrate the accomplishment. I know he is proud of me, I feel it in my heart (what is left of it anyways, he has most of it!).

Thanks for listening! Take care and God bless!

~Kelly
wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC w/mets.

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1975
Joined: Aug 2011

I'm proud of you and big hugs coming your way...

Jim

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