Jan 14, 2012 - 3:13 pm
Today it is exactly 1 month since my mom has been gone. I remain puzzled at all that took place. Last year at this time she was completely healthy. At least she appeared healthy at this time last year. Febuary was the month we began our journey into the depths of hell.
This feels so odd but I can't look at her photos for too long. It literally kills me inside. It's so gutwrenching. I catch myself turning to one photo and talking to it and saying.. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm just so sorry. Please come back. Please make this a horrid nightmare and make me wake up right now. I can't deal with the loss of you. This has all been so unfair.
I'll be busy doing something productive and all of a sudden this wave of emotions will just fall on me and it's the same heavy thud.. She's gone. Forever gone. Really gone. Never will I see her again. I feel absolutely gutted at times. It's so deep from inside. I want to talk to her so bad. I want to tell her about my day and how it went. I want to ask her advice about certain situations and ask her if she'd do the same thing as me in regard to certain choices. I want to hear her laugh at my stupid jokes. I want to watch the Miss America Pageant with her this evening like we always did every year together and make fun of these girls who are faking it to win a stupid crown only to come back the following year looking like they've ran a marathon and they are so through with all that crap if they could they'd yell to all the new girls wanting the title.. DON'T DO IT!
I'm going through a huge phase of disgust at how life has went on for others. No one wants to talk about what has happened in my life. I do understand that but still if they only knew how cold and selfish that choice comes off. I still can't stand the stupid things people say. They just don't get this. Which makes me feel like I just don't fit in. I admit most days now I feel like I'm in a haze or bubble where I'm wathcing the happy life go by while I'm miserable. I want to buy a shirt that says.. "Don't ask me how I'm doing" It's a useless question. They do not want to hear the truth. They'd regret it. I do much better acting all perky and fake and happy to their face. It makes them feel good to know it appears as if I'm doing real good. I'd like to hand them the nightmares I experience when it comes to the images my mind has captured and won't let go. I'd like to fall in their arms sobbing and chanting " I can't believe this has happened" over and over a million times. I want to tell them all I don't know how much longer I can deal with this incredible loss.
I need to find someone to blame. I did every thing to avoid this. In fact for years I'd monitored my mothers health at an almost obsessive level. Even when she initially got sick last year I tested and tested and tested immediately. Each time we eliminated the word Cancer. I tell myself had they done their job and found it early she'd still be here. She would have had more strength and energy to fight this and rise above it. The options of hope would not have been as little at that point. We were right there to find it. How could they have not found it? They saw her decline. They saw the signs. I begged for help because their diagonsis each time just didn't add up to me. They made too many mistakes. I know they didn't cause this but why didn't they find it sooner? I want to punch that one Doctor that focused on her kidneys instead of checking out her pancrease when even he admitted her sudden Diabetes did seem odd compared to 3 months prior when her fasting blood sugar levels were normal. I want to punch that other Doctor who talked her into going across the state to get a surgical procedure that weakened her so bad she never fully recovered when she never should have been opened up in the first place had they been more thorough and found the cancer had already spread so the procedure was not an option. These thoughts just haunt me. I want to blame God for being so saddistic for dragging this on to complete ruin. Did we really have to endure all that hell? I mean come on. When was enough just ENOUGH?
I know it all sounds so silly. This thought process goes right along with being puzzled. I just don't get how this all happened and that it happened to us. Day after day. Hour after hour. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't some real bad movie on the lifetime channel. It really did happen. I carry all of this inside of me. No stranger I cross has any idea what has happened. Those non strangers who know don't want to even touch the subject. She's dead they knew she was dying so lets move fwd.
I want her back. I just want her back so bad. I'm trying so hard to find something happy and good to focus on during the day but it always comes back to her. If I'm happy I want to tell her about my happiness. I want to share it with her but I can't. I know I know I know I know... at least I have to believe what so many tell me.... It will get better or easier to deal with. Is it wrong of me to hope I live to say that to those who are saying it to me now when they go through all this? And to secretly know I'm not saying it to be nice but in a way to be mean to watch and see what their response is to that type of comment?
Anger I carry a lot of anger over this. The slightest comment from someone will tick me off. Now that moms gone and it really did happen I've come to the conclusion I've had enough. There is this very thin line for me of tolerance to nonsense these days.
Today it's exactly one month. I'd break down the hours to be precise but I won't. One minute it feels like it's been months because of all the things that have taken place. The next minute it seems like it was just yesterday. I have a new job. A year ago I would have been over the moon excited about this opportunity. Now I feel nothing. I fake it. I'm making money to pay bills and it gives me something to do so I'm not constantly consumed with this loss. Thats all I feel about that. I hate all the happy people but I pretend like I'm one of them. I miss her so much.