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Can't look at moms picture

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

Today it is exactly 1 month since my mom has been gone. I remain puzzled at all that took place. Last year at this time she was completely healthy. At least she appeared healthy at this time last year. Febuary was the month we began our journey into the depths of hell.

This feels so odd but I can't look at her photos for too long. It literally kills me inside. It's so gutwrenching. I catch myself turning to one photo and talking to it and saying.. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm just so sorry. Please come back. Please make this a horrid nightmare and make me wake up right now. I can't deal with the loss of you. This has all been so unfair.

I'll be busy doing something productive and all of a sudden this wave of emotions will just fall on me and it's the same heavy thud.. She's gone. Forever gone. Really gone. Never will I see her again. I feel absolutely gutted at times. It's so deep from inside. I want to talk to her so bad. I want to tell her about my day and how it went. I want to ask her advice about certain situations and ask her if she'd do the same thing as me in regard to certain choices. I want to hear her laugh at my stupid jokes. I want to watch the Miss America Pageant with her this evening like we always did every year together and make fun of these girls who are faking it to win a stupid crown only to come back the following year looking like they've ran a marathon and they are so through with all that crap if they could they'd yell to all the new girls wanting the title.. DON'T DO IT!

I'm going through a huge phase of disgust at how life has went on for others. No one wants to talk about what has happened in my life. I do understand that but still if they only knew how cold and selfish that choice comes off. I still can't stand the stupid things people say. They just don't get this. Which makes me feel like I just don't fit in. I admit most days now I feel like I'm in a haze or bubble where I'm wathcing the happy life go by while I'm miserable. I want to buy a shirt that says.. "Don't ask me how I'm doing" It's a useless question. They do not want to hear the truth. They'd regret it. I do much better acting all perky and fake and happy to their face. It makes them feel good to know it appears as if I'm doing real good. I'd like to hand them the nightmares I experience when it comes to the images my mind has captured and won't let go. I'd like to fall in their arms sobbing and chanting " I can't believe this has happened" over and over a million times. I want to tell them all I don't know how much longer I can deal with this incredible loss.

I need to find someone to blame. I did every thing to avoid this. In fact for years I'd monitored my mothers health at an almost obsessive level. Even when she initially got sick last year I tested and tested and tested immediately. Each time we eliminated the word Cancer. I tell myself had they done their job and found it early she'd still be here. She would have had more strength and energy to fight this and rise above it. The options of hope would not have been as little at that point. We were right there to find it. How could they have not found it? They saw her decline. They saw the signs. I begged for help because their diagonsis each time just didn't add up to me. They made too many mistakes. I know they didn't cause this but why didn't they find it sooner? I want to punch that one Doctor that focused on her kidneys instead of checking out her pancrease when even he admitted her sudden Diabetes did seem odd compared to 3 months prior when her fasting blood sugar levels were normal. I want to punch that other Doctor who talked her into going across the state to get a surgical procedure that weakened her so bad she never fully recovered when she never should have been opened up in the first place had they been more thorough and found the cancer had already spread so the procedure was not an option. These thoughts just haunt me. I want to blame God for being so saddistic for dragging this on to complete ruin. Did we really have to endure all that hell? I mean come on. When was enough just ENOUGH?

I know it all sounds so silly. This thought process goes right along with being puzzled. I just don't get how this all happened and that it happened to us. Day after day. Hour after hour. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't some real bad movie on the lifetime channel. It really did happen. I carry all of this inside of me. No stranger I cross has any idea what has happened. Those non strangers who know don't want to even touch the subject. She's dead they knew she was dying so lets move fwd.

I want her back. I just want her back so bad. I'm trying so hard to find something happy and good to focus on during the day but it always comes back to her. If I'm happy I want to tell her about my happiness. I want to share it with her but I can't. I know I know I know I know... at least I have to believe what so many tell me.... It will get better or easier to deal with. Is it wrong of me to hope I live to say that to those who are saying it to me now when they go through all this? And to secretly know I'm not saying it to be nice but in a way to be mean to watch and see what their response is to that type of comment?

Anger I carry a lot of anger over this. The slightest comment from someone will tick me off. Now that moms gone and it really did happen I've come to the conclusion I've had enough. There is this very thin line for me of tolerance to nonsense these days.

Today it's exactly one month. I'd break down the hours to be precise but I won't. One minute it feels like it's been months because of all the things that have taken place. The next minute it seems like it was just yesterday. I have a new job. A year ago I would have been over the moon excited about this opportunity. Now I feel nothing. I fake it. I'm making money to pay bills and it gives me something to do so I'm not constantly consumed with this loss. Thats all I feel about that. I hate all the happy people but I pretend like I'm one of them. I miss her so much.

magadee
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2011

it is just over 2 monthes since I lost my Butch. Iam so sick of hearing Butch wouldn't want you crying. Butch would want you to do this or that. I want to scream Hey you didn't spend the last 15 years waking up next to him or you didn't know him as well as I did how dare you take it upon yourself to tell me what Butch would want.

Would he want me sad and miserable No he wouldn't but I know when he looks down and sees me crying he knows I love and miss him and he would be the first to tell me to go ahead and cry all I need to. He'd also say do what you gotta do to make it through the day.

I see commercials for the cancer centers and get angry , why couldn't we have had the bright Dr. with the positive attitude insted we got the one that kept saying we were wasting our time. not those words but close enough that hope was sucked out of us.

I have days I feel horrible because he fought so and felt so bad then I remember him telling me he wanted to be with me for many more years. There are times I feel like I have been kicked in the gut. How did we miss the signs? What if why didn't I am told it is normalto feel this way. Everything looks negative , I feel negative about everything . Amazing how lonley I feel in a group of people how pissy I feel when they expect me to particpate in anything. Real pisser is that Butch would understand these things , then I get mad at him for leaving me alone and feeling defenceless ,that is about the time I find something like the love note pad. He used this little pad of love notes to tape to my thermose so I would find them at work. Little things like this I hope are signs that he is watching over me because that is how I choose to think of them

I guess the comfort I find I find from Butch right now I guess just ignoring the rest of the world is about the best way I have of dealing. Will I ever make it home from anywhere without crying because he won't be there I don't know. I know I thank God because he gave me Butch, just wish He'd have given us longer

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

It's only been 2 months & your feelings are normal.People don't understand unless the've gone through what we have.My own sister asked me why I was crying after only 2 weeks?? I was so hurt. It's going to be 2 years in March since I lost my husband. I still cry occasionally. We grieve when we feel like it & I say "forget what other people say."
"Carole"

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

I agree. Your feelings sound so familiar. I lost my Doug in oct. 2009. I still have down days. The early days were much harder, though. Grief is really hard and the person who understood and was there for me when I experienced grief before was gone. I missed the sharing and the understanding most and still do. Now we have to deal with things on our own. No one else gets me like he did. Those who haven't been through this just don't get it either. Hang on. Time has, as a 90 year old friend told, mellowed my pain. I still have hard days, but not as often or as bad. Take care, Fay

cosmic_me
Posts: 35
Joined: Dec 2011

God bless you Magadee. I needed to read these comments from every one. Some times it's hard to sleep. I know unfortunately there are many others out there who know this type of grief. It doesn't make it easier to deal with but in this area I don't feel completely isolated when I read this stuff. It's hard to explain to others how watching your loved one slowly and very visciously being taken from you makes this so much more overwhelming. For nearly a year no matter what I did I still felt helpless and I kept hoping and praying it was all just a horrible nightmare. By nature we kick into protective mode for our loved ones and in this case we are bound by the disease cancer and forced to watch it play out it's ravages. There are moments I wish my moms death would have been sudden if it was truly her time to go. Just finding her peacefully at rest in the morning after the night before filled full of joy and laughter and no physical problems. I'd even take a sudden gone in a flash tragedy over this type of death. The hope would be there would have been no suffering. Over all if I really had my wish she'd still be here healthy and happy loving all of life in her own unique way watching her basketball and taking in the latest news around the world. Magadee, you mentioned something that actually brought a smile to my face that I thought I'd share. Those commercials for the Cancer Center. I swear from the second we heard the words Pancreatic Cancer that woman Peggy who has survived specifically pancreatic cancer was on every channel at least evey half hour. It got so bad one day as mom was channel surfing I heard her say outloud... I'm real happy for you but would you shut up already LOL. She said it not in a mean way but in a desperate attempt to get past the haunting irony of constantly seeing and hearing that particular commercial. That pretty much happened when they first thought her problems were nothing more then a sudden onset of diabetes. All those commercials about a tester that doesn't hurt as much. It just seemed all those commercials were taunting us. UGH. I'll close for now by saying I am so sorry for everyones loss because I know all the feelings and images associated with this type of loss. It truly is unbearable. I'll be praying for you all please pray for me :)

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