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Need advice here.....What should I do?

ddpekks's picture
ddpekks
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

Christmas weekend is coming up. We suffered a major dissapointment when we found out son from NC can't come down. Son in GA and Daughter in FL are coming Christmas Day. We originally thought that Son in GA was going to stay a few days. Yesterday, he told his Dad that they were coming for the day only. Something about the hassle of bringing the dogs, which they have always done in the past. His Dad is very dissappointed. I don't know if I should contact them or not. I don't want anyone to have any regrets but I don't want to "shame" them into coming. If I point blank asked them to, they would, but for the wrong reasons.

All of our married life, he has taken very little interest in Christmas. Loves the family get togethers but not into gift giving, decoration and all the other stuff that comes with the holiday. This year he helped with the tree, put up lights on the house and made gift suggestions for everyone. He has expressed to me that he thinks this will be his last one. I don't believe that, but it's what he thinks that matters. Though our family get together is going to be a small one this time, he has made an effort for it to be quite an extravagant one.

Should I just butt out? Should I email them, call them or send a pidgeon? I don't need this stress! LOL

Thanks for your input.
Deb

Noellesmom
Posts: 1278
Joined: Aug 2010

Deb, I don't think it would be out of line to let the children know what your husband has expressed about it possibly being his last Christmas. Then, let them make their own decision on coming/staying.

I know this is hard for you, Deb, hearing your husband express something like that, whether you believe it or not. I'm glad he's getting involved this year - that can only be a good thing.

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

I'm all for laying it on the line. Make it clear that you are not guilt-tripping them; you are asking them to find a way to deal with whatever is making them not come or cut their visits short and instead to come stay for a few days. You are asking them to do this for all of you - your husband, yourself and themselves. Since you are asking them to do this, you want to know up front if there are any issues that would make this a hardship. Maybe one's broke; maybe they are all upset and thinks too much time with their father will be depressing; maybe they just need someone to say, "you must do this." Also, maybe they think the visit would be a hardship on you and are trying to make your life easier. You can offer to help with whatever is possible, but you need to know what each needs in order to make this happen.

This is not the time for compromise, beating around the bush, hints, guilt trips, or anything else. You be honest and tell themm what you want; ask themm to be honest and tell you what they need. There's no good reason, on the surface, for all three kids not to stay a few days - therefore, there might be something else going on. They need to let you know and work it out.

Hugs - hope it works out. We have soooo been there with Doug's father - Doug had to be blunt with a sibling who had stayed away for years. Sibling was grateful afterwards, as he had much fewer regrets. However, Doug didn't say "come see him before he dies or you'll regret it." He said, "I want you to come see him. I'll come get you or pay for your plane and hotel or whatever it takes, but you are going to go with me." Some folks need more encouragement than others. . . .

ketziah35
Posts: 1143
Joined: Jun 2010

It is the Irish in me that agrees with the dov. Be blunt.

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1984
Joined: Aug 2011

Hey aspiring belly dancer :).

Sorry you are put in this position. I agree with the others, Deb.
I'd call the kids and let them know how much it means to their
father and probably to them in the long run.

I hope things work out for all of you - keep us posted.

Does anyone have a "Walton's Christmas" anymore?

A little bit of the Waltons

Big hugs,

Jim

ddpekks's picture
ddpekks
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I'm going to call them in the morning and just give them the facts and let them take it from there. It is understandable that the son in NC can't make it....his wife has chemo scheduled. We've known for awhile they couldn't come. But, the son in GA is off on a 4 day, they have no children to worry about and only the dogs (which have visited here all their lives) to pack for. He and my husband are very close and I have a feeling that the new dx might be his issue. But staying away, not discussing it, will not help either of them. They talk on the phone 2/3 times a week but never about the dreaded "C" word.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Jim, I'm an aspiring belly dancer no more. Threw my stupid back out. Going to stick with chasing pterodactyls.

Hugs
Deb

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1984
Joined: Aug 2011

Pterodactyls are a pain - all that paper for the cage is ridiculous ;).

Sorry to hear about the daughter in law - best wishes there.
I love pig - especially the pulled pork barbeque NC style!

Hang in there!

Mushy hugs to all of you,

Jim

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

and the change in behavior. My mom never went to a game or did any of that stuff with us while we were growing up. A few months before she died, she sang, she went to a track meet, she went to church with me and she stopped cooking because she said that we needed to start cooking. She told us that the year before was her last Christmas...sadly, she was alive but in hospice. She died 18 days later. Tell them like it is.

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