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Gotta get his out

willendorf
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2010

My partner is dying, I think. We just got the newest in the round of bad news after a scan. This is the third time in two years. I am starting to recognize it on everyone's face when they talk to me. If they talk to me. I am freaking out. Is it possible that three times could really be the last time or are we on this spiral down? wish anyone knew or if they did they'd tell us. Then maybe it would encourage my dearest to not even have to think about whether or not she wants to go through more treatment. And how do I respond to that? I have always been in support of her and her needs and I understand, I do...but what IF this could be the last time? I am pretty good at going through the motions; I come from a long line of compartmentalize-rs. At least for right now. Who do I talk to when I don't even want to say these things out loud but I gotta get them out or I obsess over them. Deep, dark fears are popping out and I am scared. **** my pants scared that I could even think some of these things but they appear before my eyes without even trying. Her funeral is the worst. I can't shake it off. I don't want to talk about these things with people who love us, because it puts out bad mojo, I know, but they still come in. Please, please please make this stop.

ddpekks's picture
ddpekks
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

Say it to people that know and understand what you are going through. Say it out loud to people that care, but that you don't have to see the pain in their eyes. And know that the ones that come here and read it do care.

You have to get it out or you will go stark raving mad. This place has been my saviour since I found it. I had no one to talk to about our situation. I didn't want to bourden the kids (all grown-ups) with my meely mouth complaining or my deepest, darkest dreads. So I came here and spelled it all out. No one judged me or said that I was crazy. They only supported me and gave me the strength to be the caregiver that I want to be.

As for any decisions that your partner make, they are going to have to be hers. You should give her your opinion, but let her know that whatever she decides, you will support. Don't lay a guilt trip on her and make it about you. It's not. It's about her and what she thinks she can endure. If she decides that she can not go further in treatment, it will be hard for you, but you will be able to do it if you remember how much you love her. Your love for her will make it all possible.

My thoughts and prayers will be for you, Willendorf!
Deb

JackieA
Posts: 150
Joined: Mar 2011

Just want you to know that all is normal what you think and feel. I am sure there is not a caregiver on this site that has not thought the worse, and surprisingly enough our love ones bounced back. It ain't over until it is over! Please allow your partner to make the decision about what she wants to do. A lot of times they are looking for our advice, but they are really not. They want hope. So never tell them to give up! Sometimes they will say things to you just to see where you are, and if you really think it is over. I could be wrong, but I let my mother and my husband tell me that they were done. I let my mother say..."It is time for me to go home." She died about three days later. Just let her know that you are with her what ever her decision is. And again, it is all normal what you feel and think. I, too, thought I was crazy at one time until I found out that I wasn't.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

You can't make it stop, but you can make it better by accepting the truth. Your partner can be in denial until the end, but you can't be a fantabulous caregiver unless you know the score. Few advanced cases turn around permanently, but many of our loved ones plateau for a while toward the end, perhaps allowing time for it all to sink in. My mother decided to stop treatment after her round of bad scans, and I think she's happy with her decision despite today's growing discomforts. It's been a special time. Hope you get special time, too.

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I completely agree with everyone that replied to your post. You can't make it stop, you can only support any decision that she has made and is making. I am typing as my husband is laying next to me in a hospital bed in our living room also dying. For the first time since he was diagnosed with advanced stage IV lung cancer with mets all along his aorta and probably bones he is not waking up today. He received his hospital bed last night and also his 24 hour hospice care nurse.

At a time my husband was in denial. Saying that he is going to be around for years. Also asked me a few weeks "when is this going to happen?" Of course I asked what and finally after a few times of proding he answered "When am I going to get better". Heartbreaking as it was to answer him, I did. Of course he didn't like the answer but has accepted it. Then the beginning of last week he said that "He will be going soon". That was Monday week and he is still here. I have told him to "let go" and that "I will be okay". This has been a long journey with my husband. Things progressed very slowly, my titanic was slowly sinking. I don't expect him to last the week and have accepted that but he is a very stubborned man for a man who never received any chemo (only radiation) so he is hanging on for something.

I am thankful that the local hospice is here to help and praise all the nurses that work for them. I don't know what I would do without them. My husband is now comfortable, moreso than he was yesterday. I am by his side 24/7 and respect all of his wishes during his downfall. But I did however stand my ground to make sure that he is comfortable. Sure I am human, I do have my weak moments and that is when I come here and vent, complain and comfort others who are going through the same situation. We are all in the same boat as primary caregivers and all we can do is support each other and our significant other who is going through this terrible disease. I HATE CANCER!!! But I accept the fact that I now have a new normal and have no power in this world to change it.

Please take care of yourself and your partner! Respect any and all wishes. Vent on here when needed (trust me it helps!) My prayers are with you!

God bless!
~Kelly

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