Nov 12, 2011 - 12:48 pm
My partner is dying, I think. We just got the newest in the round of bad news after a scan. This is the third time in two years. I am starting to recognize it on everyone's face when they talk to me. If they talk to me. I am freaking out. Is it possible that three times could really be the last time or are we on this spiral down? wish anyone knew or if they did they'd tell us. Then maybe it would encourage my dearest to not even have to think about whether or not she wants to go through more treatment. And how do I respond to that? I have always been in support of her and her needs and I understand, I do...but what IF this could be the last time? I am pretty good at going through the motions; I come from a long line of compartmentalize-rs. At least for right now. Who do I talk to when I don't even want to say these things out loud but I gotta get them out or I obsess over them. Deep, dark fears are popping out and I am scared. **** my pants scared that I could even think some of these things but they appear before my eyes without even trying. Her funeral is the worst. I can't shake it off. I don't want to talk about these things with people who love us, because it puts out bad mojo, I know, but they still come in. Please, please please make this stop.