Waiting

Hi,

I am a 40yro female. If you happen to be reading my post, English is not my first language so please bear with me.

I feel ashamed to be here but I have to let it out somewhere. I guess I deserve it if people are laughing or despise me for my winningness and cowardly act since all my test result are still pending; I don't even know what I have. I am so sorry if I am whining here but I am extremely scared.

My current diagnosis is unexplained weight loss. I have lost 10lbs in 4 months without trying (130lb in July and 120lb now). I have extensive family history of cancer: 2 aunts from my mom's side (one with breast cancer at her 50's diagnosed over 5 yrs ago and currently cancer free, and the other newly diagnosed with lung cancer stage 3 (?) at her late 60's), one aunt from my dad's side (cervical cancer at her early 50's or late 40's? who passed away soon after her dx). My grandmother from my dad's side passed away with Lung cancer but she was over 90 yro when diagnosed. Although both my parents are healthy at this time, they both have chronic GI disease (dad with diverticulitis and hemorrhage episode and mom with ulcer).

Other than the unexplained weight loss, I have noticed indigestion, vomiting acid (?), and belching in the past 6 months which have never been so frequent or noticeable in the past. I just had my blood, urine work, and chest x-ray done last Friday, and CAT scan for head/neck and abdomen/pelvic area yesterday afternoon. So right now, I am waiting.

Waiting really could kill. Actually, I can't decide which is worse; waiting or knowing the bad news. Besides the weight loss and the family history, there are also signs that I take seriously without any scientific evidence which I know many will sneer. Well, I just had my 40th bd. The night before, I spilled 2 big pots and broke a flower vase, and had the most horrifying dream about people got tortured with their belly cut open..I don't want to go into the details here. And my husband and I were trying to buy an apartment for retirement in the future because there is elevator in the building, but the deal didn't come through so I took it as a sign saying that I wouldn't live to that age. Then I remembered an Asian fortune teller old me when I was in my 20's that I would live up to my 30's -40's. The worst sign is that, I have been thinking how happy I am with my life. This sounds silly, but in Asian culture, we are taught not to be too happy about ourselves or the bad thing will happen. I guess the philosophy behind it is to teach people the value of being modest. I just want to appreciate what I have, I was only happy about being with people that I love, and when the though came to me, I immediately had a bad feeling about being happy, thinking that bad thing will happen. So, this is probably it.

Since last Friday, I have been expecting the worst outcomes, not just because of what everyone here should have known about what weight loss could mean, as well as my family hx and superstitions, also I just want to prepare myself. Somehow I think if I start trying to accept it, it would be easier when it becomes the reality, I am not trying to wish the worst on myself, I just want to do something to protect myself. My husband has been telling me to think positively because no matter how I believe I could handle the bad news better by accepting the bad news before it actually happens, I will not know how bad I would feel when it really happens. Being so negative now is only wasting my "pre-diagnose" precious time. He is probably right. but I can't help it.

I am ashamed because there are so many people here who are touched by this horrible disease and trying to cope, to fight, and to survive. Me, being an unknown, is already kicking and yelling and crying like a helpless baby. I am so sorry. I really want myself to be as wise and brave as Lee and Eric and many of you, but I don't think I could ever be.

What I wish, I think, is that I would not be afraid of death. I think that's the bottom line. Regardless my test results, death will come one way or the other, sooner or later. If not this time, there will be the next. I have had 2 or 3 close calls in the past 4 or 5 years. Luckily it came out fine. Can this be another lucky time? Do I have 3 chances of live? WHo can tell me how not to be afraid of dying?

I want to wish all of you the best, sincerely. You might think that I don't know what it is really like to deal with cancer, but believe me, all the anxiety and the worst scenario that I have been playing in my mind have filled my up with all the tears and fears that I know you may be familiar with as well. I admire and envy your strength. I think people like you deserve the good news. People like me, the cowardly star, probably doesn't.

I appreciate if you read through this long nonsense. I am sorry again if I have wasted your time. I am only trying to survive with my own way of being a coward by making others listen to my personal story. I am so sorry.