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please help

melbas's picture
Posts: 43
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi y'all. Yes, I seem to be up all night again. Does anyone wish the that the cancer, instead of the treatments, would have been more humane? I told y'all that I tested positive for hep c. I have had to go in continously for them to drain my belly of fluids. I just had it done on the 1st. Now I need it again. Already. And, my doc is on vacation, so when I called in the other day, they had to have it cleared by an associate that is not familiar with my case. Today, I had the 3 yr old and the 6 month old, my husband was home due to the weather, and he watched me struggling with them and trying to do laundry at the same time. My house is a mess, my husband & his son sit here and smoke weed if they're not working, and I'm too tired to do this anymore. They found the cancer due to hemmys in May of 2010, and I'm still bleeding from the rectum. My daughter in law is a stay at home mom, but I still watch Heidi, she the little one. And by stay at home, I mean they live with me, so if the baby starts fussing, she takes her phone and her new ipad and goes into her room and shuts the door. It's not Heidi's fault...she's a baby. They moved in 7 weeks ago, and if it wasn't for me blowing up, they'd stay here forever I think. But she just got $5000.00 that her grandma put away till she turned 21, and the first thing they did was go out and buy a ruck, they already have a car, and the ipad, $600.00 on that. I'm hoping that when my doc gets back from vacation he'll put me in the hosp instead of just making go every other day for tests. I know they don't let u sleep much, but at this point I'm so exhausted, even 2 hours would help. Does anyone else have caregivers who could care less? Melodie

Lorikat's picture
Posts: 609
Joined: Jul 2011

Oh gosh Melodie...I hope they do put you in the hospital to rest. I really can not imagine your situation, thou I have empathy. Any way you can leave for awhile? You need time to heal physically and mentally. You have my prayers....Lorie

Posts: 47
Joined: Oct 2011

OH my goodness!!

You need a break, a change, some help.

Call a family meeting and sit their butts down and start delegating jobs. (Please, you know your own family and you know what can or can't be tolerated, I'm not saying to 'do this', but I am suggesting you think seriously about if it will work for you.)

Take a piece of paper and list the jobs of the household. Cooking, cleaning, dusting, garbage removal, vacuuming, baby care...

Then on another sheet, write your name and the jobs you'll do. Then pass that sheet around and tell them, this is what I WILL DO, the rest is up to you guys. Do it, don't do it, whatever, but what my name is by is the only things I will do at this time. (Then, only do the jobs you have by your name.) They'll either learn to pick up the pieces or do without.

I was incredibly surprised during my treatment when my family rose to the challenge of taking over my 'jobs' while I was unable to do them. And I seriously feel that if I was at a point where I couldn't do them now (or didn't feel like I could) I could tell them that and although they might grumble a bit, they'd pick them back up and start helping more. (I just might actually, it was nice having some help for awhile.)

melbas's picture
Posts: 43
Joined: Jul 2010

Well I do have help on he way. My older sons wife and baby will be here on Sunday, and she won't stand for this. Hopefully the younger ones are moving out Mon or Tues. One can only hope. I know as parents we need to be there for our kids, but this is taking it too far. They've been here 7 weeks on Sunday, and I finally got my daughter in law to vacuum this morning, only cuz I started it myself. It's the 2nd time she's done it in 7 weeks. Up until I got sick I traveled for work all but about 90 days per year, and still managed to keep the house clean, meals cooked, etc. I hate being a burden, but my physical limitations prevent me from doing it now. My husband used to help me with the housework, but since I've gotten sick...nothing. Oh well like I said, help is on the way. Thanks, Melodie

Posts: 47
Joined: Oct 2011

Your strength isn't in doubt. You are a survivor. You just need to get some of those people around you to help a bit more.

You aren't a burden. You have needs right now, they won't always be there, but right now they are. Don't feel like you are burdening them with it, they are fully capable of helping, sometimes we need to just smack them upside the head with it though to get them to do it.

What child(no matter the age) volunteers to do 'chores'? My hubby picked up most of my slack, but it was either that or go nude and eat with his hands. (treatments took a major toll on me.)

Talk to them, and if that doesn't work, do what I did, got in my car, drove to Dunkin Donuts picked up a cup of coffee and drove to local small park and cried. (It took some of the frustration away and gave me some me time.) or if you aren't driving yet, find a way to have a bit of time just for you. (Let the dishes stack, they aren't going anywhere.) Take some time for you.

Once I picked up my 'jobs' around the house, everyone else fell away from doing them. (My mentality was they had to be done, so I did them. And I prefer not having a sink full of dishes or 5 baskets of clothes needing to be washed.) Maybe if you didn't do them, they would?

Who knows, maybe they'll never pick up and help like you need them too, and honestly, I don't think that's really unusual. It isn't that they don't care, they just don't think.

It hurt that the kids didn't pick up and do more(still does) but then I think, they did what they did before, why am I suddenly thinking they would do more? If they didn't do it when I hounded them to do them, why would they do it when I was no longer capable of hounding them to do it? (I thought out of love they would step up and help, but I don't think it's lack of love. They just don't think that way.)

And how you got your daughter in law to vacuum is how I get my kids to do things for me now. I start it, then hand it off to one of them and they are much more likely to do it with the minimum of fuss. (I'll need to keep that in mind for the future.)

They see my energy level isn't what it use to be, so once I start something and they see me doing it, they are more likely to step in to help. (Maybe wait to do a given thing until one of them is in the room, and then 'share' the chore or just out and out hand it off.) Worth a try? (I know I'm now going to be thinking of ways to implement this.) :)

Posts: 31
Joined: Oct 2011

We don't know each other directly but I can somewhat relate to the situation, and you are often in my thoughts. I hope you are getting by ok.
Love & hugs,

Posts: 24
Joined: Oct 2011

When I first started chemo & radiation all was fine. I live in a very rural area and had to stay out of town Mon-Fri for treatments. At first I would come home on the weekends and clean up after my 3 teenagers and fiancee. Heck I would even have a beer or two with him. But as treatment progressed I had to take one of the teenagers with me just to help me. Teenagers are very oblvious to everything but themselves so it was really rough, but when they saw I could barely walk from the burns and was so fatigued going to the bathroom was a chore they learned how to cook really fast. My fiancee pitched in and starting being dad. It is very important that you get your rest. Let the house go! It can always be cleaned up later. If you don't do it they will have to! They'll figure it out sooner or later. My fiancee also liked to smoke and he would carry on with his friends, but I didn't get upset. I just thought one day I'll be better and can go with him. I'm not a smoker, but do like to get out and do things. He kind of inspired me. Be glad noone has abandoned you. I've heard horror stories of people taking off because they can't handle the thought of mortality and everything that goes along with battling cancer. If you need to stay in the hospital to get well do it. You must take care of yourself first! Everybody and everything will still be there when you are well. When I first started to clean again I had to sit in a chair to do dishes, pretty soon I only had to sit part of the time, next thing you knew I was sweeping & mopping too! Your priority has to be yourself right now. If there is crap on the floor just step over it! Wishing you the best!

Oh yeah, let me share this funny story with you. One time after surgery everybody went their own ways and left me home alone. I made the mistake of sitting in the recliner and was stuck there for six hours! Geez, did I have to go to the bathroom really bad. What was so funny is they all returned home about the same time and instead of helping me out of the chair they all argued about who was supposed to be "watching" me! Eventually I got to go to the bathroom and to this day have not been left alone or sat in that stupid recliner!

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