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Emotional Rollercoaster

sabina57's picture
sabina57
Posts: 32
Joined: Oct 2011

I've always been a strong individual. I'm the go to person at my job; the glue that holds my family together, great given advice and a very positive person. Having said that, I am finding this journey difficult. I've not yet had my surgery for a hysterectomy and so I'm just beginning. I find one day I say "I can do this" and then the next day, I'm falling apart. I cry almost everyday; at least when I am alone. I'm not a "poor me" type of person and I don't say "why me"; cancer doesn't discriminate. I want to be strong. Everybody says to me "your going to be fine"; I pray they are correct. At the moment, I'm beyond scared and want my life back the way it was; I just want to rewind life. I know it sounds crazy; but it is how I feel. I tell myself "you have to fight, cancer is the enemy, you can do this, you can do this". I'm trying my best to cope but it's difficult. My husband had kidney cancer this past February and now me; both the same year. I remind myself that even cancer was in the cards for us and that there was no way escaping. I know our mental state plays a major role in your physical state; but this is the most difficult journey I've had to travel in my 57 years. I want life BC (before cancer); I want life back the way it was. I don't want this (I know none of us do). I have it but I don't want it!! I keep feeling like I'm dreaming. I wake up during the night and think of only one thing "having cancer". I want to wake up from this nightmare; I've never been so scared.

Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings and for listening.

God Bless all of you.
Sabina

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

Lets be blunt here ---- CANCER SUCKS!! It takes away our control and positivness with life, always keeps us on edge and never goes away in our minds.

I've been right were you are today, but know it does get better in time. As they say, "time heals all"...very true!! I found as I progressed thru the journey and had good results from doc appts, scans, less pain, etc, I was more open to my good life coming back once more.

As with anything in life, we have no guarantees of how our life will turn out. God didn't write a book on "what life will be like and here are the steps"...so we must roll with the punches.

What helped me, support from friends here and a local group of women who've endured cancer. We meet and talk about our feelings and how cancer has disrupted our lives and how to continue on. What I will tell you, we really don't go back to a "real" normal life again. The old normal has now changed to a NEW NORMAL!!! I can't do everything I once did, due to some lower back issues from radiation, don't go to pizza joints as pizza isn't on my new way of eating, have new friends who support me during my cancer journey, etc, etc. Loads of new normals!!!

Don't be too hard on yourself, but know your feelings are quite normal. Try to hang with people who can support you and understand what cancer is and how we go thru the journey. Many of my old friends don't understand cancer, therefore, when we meet I don't unload my thoughts about cancer...they don't have any input or understand.

Know this site is loaded with great people who're here to give you support and hear your pain. Also, know life gets better. You're at the beginning and as time goes, life does look different....better in most cases!! Try to be positive as life is good!!!

Hugs!
Jan

daisy366's picture
daisy366
Posts: 1493
Joined: Mar 2009

I feel for you, dear sister. It really sucks to have cancer - BIG TIME!!! It's OK to be angry, sad, regretful, etc.......good that you are expressing your feelings instead of stuffing them or putting on a "mask" for others (and maybe yourself).

Our lives have been tipped upside down. Normal is W-H-A-T? More shall be revealed.....we don't know what lies ahead and the uncertainty is torturous. I will speak for myself now. Like you, I was never a whiner or complainer (except maybe a little at work - LOL). And I didn't want to carry around the "cross" of cancer for the world. And I've always disliked that "survivor" thing - who wants to be a survivor? I want more than that - I want to be normal and have an exciting fun life!!! A THRIVER!!! (Funny thing - spell-check does not even recognize this word!! What the...)

I remember vividly standing in my den shortly after surgery and DECIDING to be "more than just a cancer patient". I made a conscious decision (important) to be healthy and well. I think this was very important for me and has helped on this journey. It was more than acceptance, it was taking this thing and making a good life despite - without being a victim.

With that said, I continue to be SCARED and admit to worrying - told my doc that last week. I have learned to be more patient - I think we are FORCED into this. I'm 3 years down the road from you so please cut yourself some slack. I remember during my initial treatment I worked 4 days a week. It seemed that most Tuesdays (day off from work) I spent crying. I had time to think about my uncertain life. It was scary.

I think you are pretty normal. I did not find this site until 6 months after diagnosis and treatment. I was pretty alone in this. So keep venting and sharing and asking for help. That sure helped me. I always recommend the book that helped me so much - O. Carl Simonton's "Getting Well Again" (old but good). Another goodie is David Sirvan-Schreiber's "Anti Cancer: A New Way of Life".

Sabina, take heart. My 2 cents include: Be kind to yourself - you don't need to be that "go-to" person anymore and it's OK to let it go. Let go of things that don't matter and that aggravate you. Let others know what you need and ask for help. This journey will have many bumps and you and I will get through them one step at a time.

May you find blessings, peace and joy in each day. Mary Ann

sabina57's picture
sabina57
Posts: 32
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you both for your warm and comforting words; they help. Only those who have being through this or are going through this fully understand the magnitude of what cancer does. I expect way too much from myself. I do need to cut myself some slack and I'm learning "how to". Reaching out to others, asking for help; it's not me. It's difficult for me to say "I need your help". I tend to hold alot in which gives others the impression that I'm so put together which is sooooooo not true! Here on these boards I feel a sense of trust and ease to express my thoughts and feelings. I know I'm not alone; Someone said to me "I wish my cancer was as easy as yours"; I don't think any cancer is easy; Cancer SUCKS! My faith is strong and my will even stronger. I won't surrender to cancer, I won't!

God Bless and thoughts of good wishes to all.
Sabina

Ro10's picture
Ro10
Posts: 1356
Joined: Jan 2009

We can all relate to your feelings. We all would life back the way it was "before cancer". But unfortunately that cannot happen. I was surprised of the support of family and friends after my diagnosis. Friends I did not know were there became great support. It is surprising when you find out how many other people have had cancer and reach out to you. You probably experienced some of that with your husband's diagnosis. This is lot for you to handle. You are right that it is a very difficult journey to handle. It is alright to cry. It is better to get those feelings out rather than keep them inside.

Feel free to come back here and express your fears and feelings. Most of us have faced those same fears and feelings. Ask any questions you may have. In peace and caring.

sabina57's picture
sabina57
Posts: 32
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you Ro10. I'm glad I found this website; it offers great inspiration and amazing support. Aside from my husband having Kidney cancer, my oldest brother has been battling colon cancer stage IV the past 2 years. It's like a dark cloud over our family. I lost my father to cancer many many years ago. My husband lost his mother to cancer years ago; I'm no stranger to it; I don't think anyone is. Most people have lost a loved one to cancer. I know I need to keep myself busy otherwise my own thoughts will drive me crazy with worry. The same day I was diagnosed with cancer I was turned down from a job interview; fortuantely I have a job and was merely looking to make a change; what are the odds of those two things happening in one day! I feel totally drained. I spent alot of this week crying and thinking and waiting for the doctor to call only to find out he's on vacation until October 8th; now I feel like a sitting duck; the doctor told me it was okay to wait that it didn't matter; but was that because he was going on vacation or can it truly wait a week or two more? I'm probably adding more stress onto myself by worrying instead of letting things fall into place...ugh!

Thanks again for your support.
Sabina

Northwoodsgirl
Posts: 201
Joined: Oct 2009

So many of us can understand your feelings of wanting so much to go back to our lives before cancer. Your emotional state is normal for dealing with a life threatening diagnosis. You were under stress already due to your husband's cancer and the other losses you have endured. My mother had uterine cancer and died 4 yrs before my diagnosis in 2009.

This is a great place to vent your feelings. We are 'sisters' in this fight for our lives.

I remember sitting on the dock at the lake before my surgery and watching the water glisten in the setting sun and telling my husband that I would never be the same again because of fighting cancer...and I am not the same. I am better in so many ways deep inside. I look at things differently...everday...the beauty of the small and simple things, my intolerance for petty and negative energy. I am more empathetic and in touch with my feelings. My ego has taken a backstage in my professional life. I am more in the moment. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what I went through in my treatment...I know that I am scarred but like the Velveteen Rabbitt I accept my rough and tattered outside and love the life I do have...every breath of it. I have residual issues from the chemo and radiation and have learned to deal with them. I am truly happier than I ever have been in my life. (I also was a high energy, positive person before cancer).
My great neice is soon to be 3 yrs old and has terminal brain cancer and has exhausted all clinical trials. She is at DisneyWorld now thanks to Make-A-Wish. So many families have been touched by cancer.
I pray for a miracle for my great neice and I will pray for your strength and well-being during your surgery, recovery and chemo/radiation. It will seem like a lost year when you look back as a survivor. God Bless and keep the faith....we are here for you. Please keep on posting!
(((HUG)))
Lori

Pat51
Posts: 103
Joined: Feb 2011

The emotional rollercoaster will slow down as you come to terms with your diagnosis. There are still "rollercoaster" days for me, just not as frequently. Cancer Sucks! I agree that some days CANCER is the foremost thing on my mind. Since we cannot change our diagnosis we have to find a way to live with it. I have just finished my treatments for UPSC. My husband also has cancer. He is a stage 4 melanoma patient. We are fortunate that he is currently responding to a clinical trial and was able to help me through my treatments. Actually, all that we have been through with his cancer made my cancer a little less scary. I am not a stranger to cancer either. Both of my parents, both of my husbands parents and many other family members have had cancer. Stranger or not when YOU are the one with a cancer diagnosis it scares the pants off you!!

Everyone on this site can relate to what you are feeling and we are here to listen and help. As you know, you have no choice but to fight, survive and thrive!! We all have a lot of living left to do!!

Please keep us posted.

Pat

sabina57's picture
sabina57
Posts: 32
Joined: Oct 2011

Pat,

Thank you! All the best wishes to both you and your husband; it has to be difficult. There's an entire world out there battling cancer; most people don't realize it because it doens't impact their lives but here on these boards you get a realistic look at how many lives are affected. While the rest of the world goes about their lives uninterrupted; far too many have had their lives come to a halt! I have to tell myself, temporary halt and it will get better. I find alot of positive people here; in fact mostly all positive; this site is wonderful!

thanks again
Best,
Sabina

zarkapopovic
Posts: 30
Joined: Jan 2011

I think your having to wait for the surgery is what is driving you batty. Once you have the surgery, get properly staged and have a treatment plan in place everything else will be easier. Waiting is a nightmare. Given that you had to support your husband recently it is no wonder that you are having some trouble with the news.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will get better. I have been a part of another listserve called Eyes on the Prize for gynecological cancers and it has been a Godsend for me. It is a Yahoo Group which you can find by googling or try this link: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/EyesOnThePrize/
There you can get almost all of your questions answered and learn what to expect each step of the way.

Either way, we are here for you so please just reach out when you need to.

Zarka

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