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Venting....................... Ok whining

emotionalpond
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2011

Ok so I know this is probably not the best place to air this dirty laundry but I have nobody to talk to about it. Nobody to say hey your being silly, petty and immature. So Tasha (my partner) finished her treatment as of July 11. 2011. We were given the go ahead to you know as of Aug. 26, 2011. We still have not. I know it's petty and stupid me being upset that we have not resumed our activities but it plays with my mind a bit and doesn't help with my self esteem. I have tried to talk to her about it. Told her how it makes me feel. All I get back is that her feelings on Sex has changed since the cancer. She will not say much more then that. She tells me that she will come to me when she's ready. I try so hard to be patient but I find it very difficult. I'm sure most of it is because she still has a Nephrostmy tube in her right kidney and it causes pain.

So anyways, thanks for letting me vent!

Jenn

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi Jenn,

I know you are frustrated and probably (from the sound of your post) internalizing most of the rejection. Please try to find a way to focus on the other elements of your relationship as hard as this may sound. I know that sexual interaction and intimacy hold a special place in relationships, though they don't encompass the entire relationship. With 5 kids, work, housekeeping, and the so many other elements of daily activity it becomes very difficult to navigate through it all without internalizing the things that feel like a kick in the teeth. But it might help to catalog the other elements of your relationship that are also very important to the foundation of your love for one another.

Only 8 weeks ago she was in renal failure and that was just before being given the 'go ahead' on sexual activity. Renal failure zaps it out of a person, as I am sure you are well aware of. Without the new stint in her (right?) kidney and still having the Nephrostomy tube, along with the residual effects of treatment could be effecting her hormone levels and her psyche. Continue to be patient and know that she loves you and this too shall pass. You are doing the right thing to turn here to "let it out" and hopefully others will chime in here with words of help. We are here for you and look for brighter days ahead for you and your partner.

Hugs to you!
-Michelle

emotionalpond
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2011

My rational side of my brain agrees with you hole heartedly! But my demons rear their ugly head once in a while. It's not really the act that I miss, it's the closeness. She is now also going through early menopause and can't take any hormone replacement to help with that since she is a clotty person. She has two active clots in her lungs and one in her leg. She's on blood thinners 2 times a day. So this makes her moody and snappy. But it does seem to be getting better everyday. Like I said, I just really wanted to whine and stomp my feet a few times while jumping up and down having a full heartly temper tatrum! Thanks for allowing me to do that! I really do feel much better now!!

Jenn

ddpekks's picture
ddpekks
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

to air your dirty laundry, Jenn. I'm just too dang old (past the point of caring about such things, personally)(it's a long story, don't ask) to advise you - LOL.

I can say that based on my DH's experience, since his colostomy, he is very, very self concious about it. Been since 06/11, I have washed his butt and packed it twice a day, helped him shower and do everything. When his wafer is removed he lets me help him replace it because he can't do it himself, yet. But he tries to cover it, if not with his clothing, with his hand. Of course, I have to tell him that I can't work with it if I can't see it. I can't imagine him wanting to be intimate yet (if that were an issue with us - again LOL)

All I can suggest is patience....as hard as that may be. Give her room/time to reach out when she's ready. I do believe that pushing her and trying to lay guilt on her may make things much worse for your relationship. So, come here. Vent. Whine. Do whatever it takes.

hugs

D

catwink22's picture
catwink22
Posts: 239
Joined: Sep 2009

Hey Jenn,

I'm in NO way a therapist or expert in this field lol (humor helps!) so I'm just throwing this out there.

Most probably it is a physical issue of her not feeling good. Sounds like it's a very common problem according to the information in the link below.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer-treatment/SA00071

Has she had surgeries that have left scars or disfigurement? Weight gain or loss? Could it be that her self esteem is very low from physical changes?

Or..is it possible that because she has faced a life threatening situation she is fearing intimacy?

The fact that she is not opening up to you about this, might suggest you need a real therapist (I didn't stay at Holiday Inn Express last night!).

Sounds like you are a great caregiver!
Best wishes to you both,
Cat

DrMary's picture
DrMary
Posts: 527
Joined: Nov 2010

A good therapist can help you folks back to being emotionally intimate, which is what you seem to miss most; we are often so dependent on physical intimacy to supplement/celebrate the emotional intimacy that the loss of the first threatens the second.

I have certainly been where Tasha is now, and without the good reasons she has. I know I felt terrible that I couldn't bring myself to want my lover enough to overcome my other issues. I felt like my body was letting us both down - it was not good for his self-esteem but was even worse for mine.

It did not happen overnight, but we did find a way to use other ways to reach emotional intimacy - some involved touching (foot rubs and back rubs) and some sexual play (I could deal with "pitching" even when I couldn't "catch") and lots and lots of talking.

It's not easy for either of you - I do hope you find some way to work through this.

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

You think you have it bad....I stopped whining about this a long time ago. Due to my stubborn husband not really feeling well 6 years ago he hasn't touch me. Yes, I said 6 years...last time was November 11th, 2005. Okay, almost 6 years. But since he wasn't feeling well you would think that he would go to a doctor....oh no....stubborn as I say.

You are right, you really miss it! But now that my husband is flat on his back and ready to take his next journey....Who cares!!!! Actually since his diagnosis and prognosis we have been closer than we have ever been in our 6 years of marriage. I am his rock. And now I must go back into the living room where he is (obviously my computer is not in there) because he will be looking for me when he does become conscience.

Take care of yourself!
~Kelly

rocket baby's picture
rocket baby
Posts: 22
Joined: Sep 2010

It's been a looooooong time for me too, six years. Last time was fall of 2006 (I think). There is a kind of love that surpasses sexual intimacy. We miss it but the patient doesn't think about it when they are feeling so crappy. When they have a disease that could potentially end their life they really don't think about sex....it sucks but that's the way it is. So we continue to take care of them and love them the best way we can. Stomping your feet here is okay, we've all done it. I have an occasional crying jag about it then I'm better for a while. Do whatever works for you. (((((((hugs))))))) Michele

palmyrafan's picture
palmyrafan
Posts: 398
Joined: Mar 2011

I can understand how you feel. I am the patient (brain cancer) and my husband my caregiver.

I'll let you in on a secret. My husband and I resumed sex after my surgeries and radiation ended in 1997, but by 2000 everytime we tried to become intimate, I started having seizures. The doctors couldn't figure it out and neither could we. Most partners would have left my funky butt at the curb, but not my husband. He said there were other ways we could be intimate without causing me pain, seizures or stress. He wanted me to enjoy our time together too. So we have found other ways to compensate for my inability to be as intimate as we'd both like.

Perhaps your partner feels less "whole" than she used to previously and thinks you might find her unattractive or undesirable. That is a common feeling with the patients. Oftentimes we feel like damaged goods and are ashamed at the new us, regardless of what our partners may say or do.

You know her better than anyone. Talk to her and see what her feelings are on the subject if she will talk. Start by quashing any fears she has about her looks. Talk to her about any pain she may be experiencing. Get creative. She'll let you know when the time is right. It just may be a bit longer than you would think.

Hang in there!

Teresa

emotionalpond
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you! I really do appricate all the help on this subject. We did have a wonderful talk about this subject and I explained how I felt. She explained how she felt. We are now like most finding new ways to be intimate. It's been really good and I'm happy with what we got. I know we love each other very much. I can tell she's getting better everyday. I also know there will be good days and bad days. I don't think anybody is very prepared for thier new normal and it takes a bit to get used to. To understand the way of life we used to have will not be the same and that we need to adjust. We also must remember to keep the lines of communication always open.

Now we continue on this journey and hope for the best with the kidneys and bladder but we've made a great plan for the worse.

Thanks again!
Jenn

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1984
Joined: Aug 2011

I'm so glad you two talked and things are better!

You're in it together and you're "in it to win it" too!

Hugs and warm/postive thoughts your way,

Jim

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