What one SHOULD say to a cancer patient

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Double Whammy
Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
in Breast Cancer #1
Ok, we've got a great thread going on what not to say to a cancer patient, but what would you all like people to say to you?

Suzanne

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  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    #2
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    Hmmm...
    Perhaps something simple like..... " Hi! How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...I'd like to come and visit and catch up on all that's been happening, if you feel up to company. I'll call first."

    Or...."I can't imagine what you're going through but I'd like to help you in any way I can."

    Or..."Im available for what ever you might need...an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on..I'll call this week.."

    Or...."I know you must get tired of repeating the same story over and over. I'd like to start, with your permission, a website that gives updates on your progress and needs."

    These are things I wish I had heard first go round with bc and now with a recurrence...

    A good thread..
    Hugs, Nancy
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #3
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    MAJW said:

    Hmmm...
    Perhaps something simple like..... " Hi! How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...I'd like to come and visit and catch up on all that's been happening, if you feel up to company. I'll call first."

    Or...."I can't imagine what you're going through but I'd like to help you in any way I can."

    Or..."Im available for what ever you might need...an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on..I'll call this week.."

    Or...."I know you must get tired of repeating the same story over and over. I'd like to start, with your permission, a website that gives updates on your progress and needs."

    These are things I wish I had heard first go round with bc and now with a recurrence...

    A good thread..
    Hugs, Nancy

    @Nancy....VERY GOOD ideas...
    @Nancy....VERY GOOD ideas...
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #4
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    I am more a do-er person
    I am more a do-er person then talker...MY very good like sister to me friend just found out BC-been ill for years with immuane disorder and LUNG cancer...I didn't say much to her just bought NICE card and balloon and left it at her door at home. (I knew she was not into seeing anyone)

    I kind of go with the flow..IF mentioned and they dont' say much move on to different subject..if they want to talk they KNOW I"LL be there..(like they were for me)

    Denise
  • Lynn Smith
    Lynn Smith Member Posts: 1,264 Member
    #5
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    disneyfan2008 said:

    I am more a do-er person
    I am more a do-er person then talker...MY very good like sister to me friend just found out BC-been ill for years with immuane disorder and LUNG cancer...I didn't say much to her just bought NICE card and balloon and left it at her door at home. (I knew she was not into seeing anyone)

    I kind of go with the flow..IF mentioned and they dont' say much move on to different subject..if they want to talk they KNOW I"LL be there..(like they were for me)

    Denise

    I got a surprise gift
    I got a surprise gift. A lady went home after she signed her dog up for spay/neuter clinics I organize. When she picked up her dog she said "Hold out your arm". She put on my arm the prettiest dainty bracelet.She had gone home and made it especially for me. I thanked her.It meant so much to me and she didn't say anything. I knew she was thinking of me.

    Lynn Smith
  • madsters1
    madsters1 Member Posts: 120
    #6
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    What I'd like people to say to me (a cancer patient)
    I surely can't blame them. I was one of" them". They just don't know. So bless their hearts. Most of them are really trying. I have to say for me though the worst one yet is "you'll get through this" First of all, how do you know that?" And secondly, that is probably the furthest thing from my mind. A newly diagnosed cancer patient,UNLESS it is a bad stage, is just trying to survive the emotions of the moment. Let us take EACH step rather than pushing us on to "you're okay" At first, and for some time after, we are NOT okay!
    Sorry, just had to get that out. Feel like putting it on a T-shirt :) Now, what DO I want people to say. Well, for those very close to me, I would like them to "speak my new language"...cancer. Get online, research, read the blogs from people who have and are walking the road. Know the medications, side effects, procedures, expected emotional and physical hardships and the FEAR! That's where we as newly diagnosed cancer patients are walking. We are in a brand new world, with a new language and way of life. The only way our loved ones can walk closely with us is to walk in our steps as much as is possible.
    For those not so close, I think recognition and validation of my hardship helps a lot. Say something like, "this must be incredibly hard, I'm so sorry." " I know you're hurting, please know I pray for you and support you."
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    #7
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    I love hearing "you are in
    I love hearing "you are in my prayers". Other than that, I really don't know. Sometimes it's nice to not be thought of as just some one with cancer. I like to talk about other stuff just like everyone else......
    Cindy
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #8
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    just got back from my
    just got back from my onoclogist appt (routine) and on my desk was flyer everyone got...

    The Interact Club is collecting CARDs (homemade , bought, from little kids anykind) to bring to our local cancer center to hand out to patients. I LOVE the idea...just said make them encouraging etc. GREAT Idea...

    Denise
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    #9
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    MAJW said:

    Hmmm...
    Perhaps something simple like..... " Hi! How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...I'd like to come and visit and catch up on all that's been happening, if you feel up to company. I'll call first."

    Or...."I can't imagine what you're going through but I'd like to help you in any way I can."

    Or..."Im available for what ever you might need...an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on..I'll call this week.."

    Or...."I know you must get tired of repeating the same story over and over. I'd like to start, with your permission, a website that gives updates on your progress and needs."

    These are things I wish I had heard first go round with bc and now with a recurrence...

    A good thread..
    Hugs, Nancy

    Just me BUT
    Actually - while it would it wouldn't offend me so some one to ask about about doing a site for me AND putting my info in it - NO WAY JOSE! To much chance for 'info' to be misrepresented and "Twang Fuzzled".

    Susan
  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    #10
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    disneyfan2008 said:

    just got back from my
    just got back from my onoclogist appt (routine) and on my desk was flyer everyone got...

    The Interact Club is collecting CARDs (homemade , bought, from little kids anykind) to bring to our local cancer center to hand out to patients. I LOVE the idea...just said make them encouraging etc. GREAT Idea...

    Denise

    Just made a pot of _____, can I bring you some?
    Something I had trouble with during treatment was "Let me know if there's anything I can do." While I appreciate the caring and feelings of helpless behind that statement, I barely had enough brain cells to get through the day, much less come up with projects for my friends.

    Two of my friends, a couple, really seemed to "get" this. Once, a few days after a chemo round, when they knew I was too sick to NOT be home, my phone rang, and they said, "We're just getting off the freeway exit, and have a homemade chocolate cake with us. Open your door, and we'll hand it to you." At least two other times during treatment, they called and said, "We just made the best pot of _____, and have some left over. Can we bring some by for you?"

    So I always advise friends to try to think of something specific that they can do, and then offer to do it -- if the patient says no, then that's cool, but at least you're not asking them to think and plan, which may be more than they can handle at that point.

    Traci

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