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Brenda Bricco
Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
in Colorectal Cancer #1
What a roller coaster I am on emotionally, I hate to think of what my husband must go through in a days time. I stole some time to ride my horse yesterday thinking that all I needed was some equine time but it didn't do the trick. I think I am depressed, I feel hopeless and doomed. The thought that life is so fragile is my constant side kick these days. I have caught myself with the synical attitude that people are so nieve to think that life can offer anything but sadness. I recognize that this is not healthy but I can't seem to sit up out of this fog this weekend. I think I must have done this to myself by having a few cocktails Friday night. It was a trade of one night of carefree thoughts for 2 days of funk (not a good trade). I won't tell my husband where I am in this, he has enough to deal with so I thought I would tell you guys. Sorry to bring you my rain clouds but I know you guys will know what I am talking about. Maybe you can light a fire under my a$$ and get me out of this.
Brenda

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  • ddpekks
    ddpekks Member Posts: 162
    #2
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    OK, Brenda...here's a good swift kick!!!
    Sorry you are in such a funk. I've been so deep in them before that I thought I would never crawl out, but, thank God, I did. The only way I seem to get out when it gets bad is to talk about it. To say it to people who seem to understand. So you are on the right track.

    I'd give you another kick but I can't quite reach you, so, stand up, kick youself in the a$$ and get on with your bad self. (And maybe a glass of wine:)

    D
  • johnnybegood
    johnnybegood Member Posts: 1,117 Member
    #3
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    ddpekks said:

    OK, Brenda...here's a good swift kick!!!
    Sorry you are in such a funk. I've been so deep in them before that I thought I would never crawl out, but, thank God, I did. The only way I seem to get out when it gets bad is to talk about it. To say it to people who seem to understand. So you are on the right track.

    I'd give you another kick but I can't quite reach you, so, stand up, kick youself in the a$$ and get on with your bad self. (And maybe a glass of wine:)

    D

    in and out
    of the funk.i am the patient so i cant give you any advice as far as the caregiver goes but we all seem to get in that funk.my horses are part of therapy for me even though i dont ride any of them i can still spoil them.also getting on here and just letting it all out does help too...Godbless...johnnybegood
  • Brenda Bricco
    Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
    #4
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    johnnybegood said:

    in and out
    of the funk.i am the patient so i cant give you any advice as far as the caregiver goes but we all seem to get in that funk.my horses are part of therapy for me even though i dont ride any of them i can still spoil them.also getting on here and just letting it all out does help too...Godbless...johnnybegood

    Thanks
    Thanks for the kick in the pants, hopefully it will take hold soon. ;)
    Johnny, you don't have to be on those horses to get the full benifit, I have told my husband many times that we could either keep me in therapy or buy hay. lol There is just something healing about those gorgeous creatures and I know you will understand when I say that my favorite smell in the whole world is horse sweat. ;)
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member
    #5
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    Brenda, I think that at the
    Brenda, I think that at the time we most don't want to be around people that they have the most potential to help. I would encourage you to get out and be around those whose lives do not revolve around cancer. There is an initial hump to overcome where no one knows the right thing to say but after you are over that hump, you can begin to converse about non cancer related subjects. It helps you gain perspective. I hope your fog lifts soon. Lisa
  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member
    #6
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    Brenda Bricco said:

    Thanks
    Thanks for the kick in the pants, hopefully it will take hold soon. ;)
    Johnny, you don't have to be on those horses to get the full benifit, I have told my husband many times that we could either keep me in therapy or buy hay. lol There is just something healing about those gorgeous creatures and I know you will understand when I say that my favorite smell in the whole world is horse sweat. ;)

    'Paca therapy
    Brenda, when my husband and I go to visit our moms 130 miles away, both in their 90s with severe dementia, we make a point of stopping at my sister's alpaca farm (next door to my mom) just to look at those beautiful animals.

    'Paca therapy helps us get through otherwise very difficult days with two erstwhile intelligent women who are now either babbling like a toddler, or at a significant loss of words, and unable to communicate. The heartbreak of seeing our moms like this is almost unbearable.
  • Brenda Bricco
    Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
    #7
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    abrub said:

    'Paca therapy
    Brenda, when my husband and I go to visit our moms 130 miles away, both in their 90s with severe dementia, we make a point of stopping at my sister's alpaca farm (next door to my mom) just to look at those beautiful animals.

    'Paca therapy helps us get through otherwise very difficult days with two erstwhile intelligent women who are now either babbling like a toddler, or at a significant loss of words, and unable to communicate. The heartbreak of seeing our moms like this is almost unbearable.

    Love them!
    We have an alpaca farm just 3 miles from us and they are precious.

    I have a grand mother that is in her 90's with alzheimers, it is very sad to see her so lost. I can't help but wonder why some people's bodies out live their minds and my husband at 55 years old, never smoked, very strong and healthy has to fight with everything he has everyday to survive (dare I even ask where the fairness is in that?)

    I agree with the idea of getting out and doing something other than wallow in cancer. I did try to but my dear husband seems to panic when I am not here (called me 3 times in an hour, so I came home). It doesn't matter who is here or who I have arranged to come if he needs anything he just doesn't want me any where with out him. It actually creates a tough spot for me because I want him to have everything he wants but I also need to feel alive again. I really miss him, he is just not the man that he once was (how could he be?). It just gets to me to see him anxious and afraid, he says I make him feel safe (I know - red flag).
    I haven't been good in the fall since I moved from CA to WI, I always feel kind of sad going into winter but I have always managed to see the beauty in all the seasons until now.
    When my husband and I first made our home together we both wanted a grand father clock so we bought a beautiful one that we loved. I stopped it, I can't stand the constant reminder of how fast time goes.
    I haven't been to church in weeks because we were gone for his resection and now I don't want to make him feel like he has to go be around all those people or feel bad if I went without him. I need to go, it's where I get my strength. I tend to get numb and unable to pray in the times that I need to so desperatly. I feel guilty saying all of this because he is a wonderful man that would do anything for me (and me for him). I want so much to be what he needs now.
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member
    #8
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    Brenda Bricco said:

    Love them!
    We have an alpaca farm just 3 miles from us and they are precious.

    I have a grand mother that is in her 90's with alzheimers, it is very sad to see her so lost. I can't help but wonder why some people's bodies out live their minds and my husband at 55 years old, never smoked, very strong and healthy has to fight with everything he has everyday to survive (dare I even ask where the fairness is in that?)

    I agree with the idea of getting out and doing something other than wallow in cancer. I did try to but my dear husband seems to panic when I am not here (called me 3 times in an hour, so I came home). It doesn't matter who is here or who I have arranged to come if he needs anything he just doesn't want me any where with out him. It actually creates a tough spot for me because I want him to have everything he wants but I also need to feel alive again. I really miss him, he is just not the man that he once was (how could he be?). It just gets to me to see him anxious and afraid, he says I make him feel safe (I know - red flag).
    I haven't been good in the fall since I moved from CA to WI, I always feel kind of sad going into winter but I have always managed to see the beauty in all the seasons until now.
    When my husband and I first made our home together we both wanted a grand father clock so we bought a beautiful one that we loved. I stopped it, I can't stand the constant reminder of how fast time goes.
    I haven't been to church in weeks because we were gone for his resection and now I don't want to make him feel like he has to go be around all those people or feel bad if I went without him. I need to go, it's where I get my strength. I tend to get numb and unable to pray in the times that I need to so desperatly. I feel guilty saying all of this because he is a wonderful man that would do anything for me (and me for him). I want so much to be what he needs now.

    I certainly can empathize
    I certainly can empathize with the fear of time. I almost cringe when someone makes an offhanded comment about time. I don't want to hear how time flies. Time is our enemy. You sound like a great caregiver and wife for your husband. I know too well that there are times when a caregiver can feel sorry for oneself. It is tough to control thoughts and I don't like all that pop into my brain. I hope for better days ahead for both you and your husband. He relies on you because you are so reliable. Lisa
  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    #9
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    sorry to hear that you are in a funk
    I think it is understandable considering everything you are going through. Being a caregiver is extremely difficult. It is harder than anyone could ever imagine, except for a caregiver. When I was going through cancer myself, I always thought I had the easy part. My husband took care of me for 4 years. Now he is the patient and I realize what a saint he was to do everything he did. I am completely overwhelmed some days and I know it is going to get harder but I have learned to take one day at a time. I try to do something for myself even if it is a small thing like going for a walk. I know it is going to be hard as hell because cancer is a horrible beast but I also know that things will get better...you have to have hope for better times. When I was going through it, I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I found it. Now unfortunately the light is out and I have to find it again but I will and you will too. Sending prayers up to you that you have the strength to get through this time.
    Hugs,
    Teri
  • eibod
    eibod Member Posts: 160
    #10
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    Hi Brenda, I am a Brenda
    Hi Brenda, I am a Brenda and also a caregiver to my husband. I get in such a desolate mood sometimes that I want to hate everyone around. I find that I get worse when I am
    with him every minute and do not get out. Than when I do get out, I feel guilty as heck.
    But it does give me a little lift to see there is still a world out there. He is in the hospital now, when I come home at night, I really miss him and can't help but wonder if this is what it will eventually be like. He was dx in 2009 and has had a really rough time the whole 2 years. So my feelings are always up and down. I am sorry you are having such a rough time, I think everything you are feeling is normal. I go to church when I can, but sometimes feel so unconnected. I envy you the horses, they must be great therapy. Hang on, we have no choice but to be strong. Take care, Brenda
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #11
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    The funk
    I'm sorry you've been in a funk! I think that any of us who've been touched by the Beast go through this from time to time. I think you did just the right thing by taking some time out for yourself. Do that when you need to!

    Hope the funk lifts. It's hard to see it sometimes, but life does contain lots of little bright spots.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    #12
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    Funk
    When I was full of teenage angst so many, many years ago, I would go out to the pasture and put my head on one of my horses and cry my eyes out, I swear they always "understood" me, at least that's what I told myself, I remember getting such comfort from them. I hope you find your comfort again. You will.
    Hoping you get out of your funk soon and we see a smile coming through soon.
    Winter Marie
  • keystone
    keystone Member Posts: 134 Member
    #13
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    I was just talking about the
    I was just talking about the relationships between a horse and their owner this weekend. I grew up showing horses and know exactly what you mean. As a teenager going through normal teenage drama I would go out and sit in my "Puddins" feed box and tell her all my troubles. Oh how I wish I had a Puddin in my life today. Give your horse a hug Brenda and I'm sure your day will get a little brighter!! Stephanie

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