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I Lost My Mom 9/25/11 to Vaginal Cancer

carolyn4carol's picture
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi. New to this but just needed to reach out to somebody! I am feeling completely lost and so so so sad. I lost my mom, my best friend on 9/25/11 and the sadness is overwhelming. I don't even want to get out of bed some mornings. I just do not know how to get passed this and I'm not even sure I want to! I mean, I think its almost rude not to grieve my mother every single day for the rest of my life! I keep re-playing the last week of her life over and over and over again in my head. She was in agony, I did everything I could to make her comfortable, it was the worst week of my entire life to watch my mother suffer and then to watch her die. But i wouldn't take back one single minute that i got to spened with her that week. I just feel so sad, so heartbroken, so lost. I am not finding comfort that she is "with me". I don't feel her with me, I don't feel her near me....I WANT TO SO BADLY...but I don't. I keep praying, asking God to let me "see" her, to have a dream about her, something, but nothing comes. The sadness just overwhelms me and I just want to crawl into bed and never ever come out again. How am I supposed to live without my mom? I would give anything for one day, one hour, one minute with her. I just want to hug her and tell her how much i love her one more time, tell her what an awesome mom she was!! It just stinks and seems very unfair. I wrote and read her eulogy at her funeral, maybe I will share it on here someday. She was awesome, she really was, just an amazing amazing woman. I just can't believe she's not here anymore......that's all for now...thanks for listening...if anyone even is.

SIRENAF42's picture
Posts: 203
Joined: Oct 2008

Im sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. I read the poem below at my uncles funeral, and I hope it comforts you at this time in your life. I told myself when he passed away, he wouldnt want me sad, he is in an amazing place, and would want me to be happy. Miss your mom, but remember her with fond memories and a love filled heart. Would she want you to be so heartbroken that you can not function.... Love her and respect her life, by living yours.

When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in gloom-filled rooms,
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little--but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low;
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me--but let me go.

For this is a journey that we all must take,
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
And busy your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me - but let me go.

carolyn4carol's picture
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you for the poem, it made me cry and was really really nice..I am going to print it and carry it with me. Thank you.

Posts: 1416
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm sorry for your loss, Carolyn. I lost my mom a few months ago.

Some things will get better with time, some won't. Just hang on and know that you are not alone.


grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry. Know that time does help. Of course, you will always miss her, but in time we do learn to live with the hurt. You know that your mother would want you to get beyond the grief. Maybe you will need some counseling or a grief group to do so. Come here often. Many of us here have lost a loved one to cancer. you might also check out the grief and bereavement board. Know that you are not alone. Grief takes time, so give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and time. We will be here. Fay

carolyn4carol's picture
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you for your support and advice. I really appreciate it.

Minnesota Girl's picture
Minnesota Girl
Posts: 115
Joined: Jul 2011

We lost my brother to cancer when I was 13. Some family friends, who had also lost a child to cancer, gave us some advice I have always remembered: The pain doesn't go away, but you do learn to live with it.

It is true and everything you are feeling now is normal. Give yourself time and, each day, you will get used to the pain. 30 years later, I still sometimes feel the pain as sharp and fresh as the day he died. But even 30 days after we lost him, it was a little easier. Hang in there.

carolyn4carol's picture
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2011

Thank you so much for your post and for sharing...i really appreciate it.

Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

My mom is still with me but her suffering is unbearable to me. I don't want to make this post about me but I can so understand you because I will be there and I will walk in your shoes. I am deeply so sorry for your loss. I ask god to tell me in my dreams that things will get better but so unrealistic of me. Your mom knows how much you loved her because you sound like an incredible person who was there with her till the end. She was an amazing women who raised a wonderful daughter. Everyone says in time it gets easier but I cannot imagine this right now. I am sorry I could not be of any help, I am sorry for your tragic loss, I wish we didn't have to go through this. Please take care of yourself and be around people that truly care and love you. God Bless

carolyn4carol's picture
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi Teenadee...thank you SO MUCH for your post. I have to say that if you are going thru this with your mom, i have always said that watching her suffer was just as hard, if not HARDER than actually losing her! It is SO SO hard with her not here but I would SOB daily during her last week of life, watching her in agony every day. And even when she was suffering SO MUCH, I selfishly still wanted her here, atleast for a while...then i would just start praying to God to either heal her, or take her...after a while it was overwhelming and too much for me to bear watching her in agony every single day. I am SO sorry YOU are going thru this with your mom now. I would love to be a support for you. One thing I wished I asked my mom more when she was here and in tons of pain was how are you feeling...I know that sounds like a stupid question but i wanted to ask her if she felt "different" meaning, like when she slept, did she dream about heaven? When she slept did she see her family members that died? Hospice gave me a book during my moms last week about what are the signs of when someone dies, oh my gosh it was SO helpful! But in that book it says that at one point she won't look "at" you, she looks above you or through you and my mom did this often during her last days. I SO wish i had asked her what she was looking at, what did she see? My biggest struggle right now is that I want her to come to me, in a dream or a vision and tell me she's OK...I haven't gotten that yet and i want it SO badly! I did have a dream about her and in the dream i was telling her that I dreamed she died and I was so sad and I was crying...such a horrible dream if you ask me...

Anyway, I'd love to support you more with what you are going thru as I really can relate...if you want to email outside of this forum, please feel free, my email address is: kasper_1971@yahoo.com

Thank you so much for your very kind and encouraging words...your post was so nice to read, really!

Oh one other thing i wanted to mention that was helpful for me with my mom, was telling her these five things:

I thank you for...(say something you want to thank her for)
I forgive you for...(something you think she may be carrying guilt about)
I love you for....(or you can just say i love you)
I am sorry for.....(something you might have did or said to you that you want to apologize for)
You are free, I will be okay...


Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

thank you CArolyn I have just sent you an e mail. You have helped me today and I am grateful for meeting you. A friend of mine told me that when her mother passed away it took a while but she saw her in her dream and her mom told her that she is happy and well in her new home with God. I have to believe this is true, I have to believe that there is paradise for the loved ones we loose because if not, I will not be able to go on when the time comes. I am so scared of her dying. Everyday she tells me she is scared and just wants to live and be ok. She asks me if that will happen and I can't look her in the eye right now but I massage her pain and say you will be ok. As you, I love her so much so so much that I can't imagine my life without her. I am sorry I don't want to upset you even more. I truly believe that when your mom would not look at you directly, she was being called. thank you for your support. xoxo Tina

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