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Struggling AGAIN

Vagusto's picture
Vagusto
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

I'm having a hard day today. (glad it's almost over) I think I'm feeling this way because two of my kids have
asked in the last couple days when my next doc appt is. I have a follow up U/S on Nov 3rd to see if the lesion on my right kidney
has changed. I usually have huge anxiety about a week before, but this is crazy!!!! I want to celebrate the fact that I've been cancer free almost two years now. (left kidney and tumor removed Oct 2009) Instead, I have this empty pit feeling in my stomach. Hate it, hate the fact that I had cancer.
Valerie

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1526
Joined: Jan 2010

Valarie,

These lesions and small cysts have been on my reports for years and nothing has come of them. Please do not worry until there is something to worry about which declines with each passing year.

Best wishes,

Icemantoo

Katielynn
Posts: 61
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi icemantto,
It's bedtime and before I go to sleep, I'm going to say a prayer and beg God to give me a fraction of your optomistic outlook. You don't know how much I would love to be able to look at this whole situation the way you do. My biggest wish IS for some passing years. My oldest daughter is busily making plans for her wedding at Sandals St Lucia for next September. Normally I would be wedding planner extrordinaire, but my anxiety over the future is unbearable. She is so happy, marrying a man who is the sweetest, caring and loving man you could ever wish for a daughter to find. Thanks for your encouraging words....they really do pull me through some tough days....

Katielynn
Posts: 61
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Valerie,
Your post could have very well been written by me today. I get some anxious days, and this has been a doozie. Both my daughter's sense that I'm not myself today, and I guess it's because I really haven't felt very well the last few days. I got my flu shot about two weeks ago, and have been having a lot of muscular/joint pains. What's making me nervous is I had a (L) nephrectomy this past June. I have been told that I do have a cyst on my right kidney. So, now that I'm having some right flank pain, my mind is conjuring up all kinds of not so good scenarios. I too have an apt. Nov 7th with a new Urologist. I'm so tired of the suspense and worry, and even more tired of acting all optomistic in front of my family when deep inside I'm scared to death. I'm not really familiar with your past, and what you've gone through, but I pray you have a good apt., and get good news. I have the exact feeling of hating the fact that I've had cancer. This weekend was the first time I actually said those words to someone I was in the PTA with years ago. The look on her face was something I don't want to see again, it's like as soon as I spoke those words she had to leave! I felt like saying "I'm not contagious" . Needless to say other than here, I'm keeping my life's details to myself. This probably has played a part in the mood I've been in....It's time to put an end to this day, hoping for a better mood tomorrow...Hope we have better days ahead.......

Vagusto's picture
Vagusto
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Katielynn

I have to tell you that when I was reading your post, it brought tears to my eyes. One of my sons married this past June. From time to time all I thought about is will I be around to be a Grandma to his children. I have a daughter getting married June 2012, and she wants to start having a family right away. Ever since the loss of my Grandmas(last 4 years) I have been dreaming about being the Grandma just like them. Aside from being a Mom, it's what I'm looking forward to the most in life!

People can say, oh don't worry it will all turn out okay. I don't find that comforting. It's like saying don't feel how you feel. I'm the big elephant in the room, nobody knows what to say. When people ask me how I'm doing...I have to wonder if they really want to know. :)

I was diagnosed almost two years(age 46) ago with a tumor the size of my fist. My father passed away 6 years ago from kidney cancer. I went in for an ultrasound to look at my gallbladder, and that is how it was found. They were able to get clean margins, so I required no treatment. I've been following up every 3 months, rotating labs/chest xray and CT Scan or MRI. In August they found a small lesion (pea size) on my remaining kidney. When I was told I thought...okay.....wow......scared stiff!!! Of course, I tried to play it off as we will just watch it. My Doctor is very nice, always available for a phone call from me. He also told me that he is worried about it. I appreciated his honesty, instead of brushing it under the carpet. I'm also thinking that I'm having some more back pain on my right side, a clear symptom when I was first diagnosed with the left side cancer. The mind.......so powerful!

Some days I just want to scream out all the anger that I have inside of me. Why me? That being said, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I've been trying to figure out how to LIVE WITH A CANCER DIAGNOSIS. I try to stay really busy because when I'm not, I tend to worry more.

I hope today is a better day for you!
Valerie

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Ladies,

First I would like to thank everyone here for the gift of friendship and understanding Im have received since finding you.

I too share the hate that comes with cancer and have seen the looks from people that you described. I'm one week shy of two years since diagnosis and a little over a month short of two years post-op. I'd like to share the short version of an experience that has helped me get through the rough days that come along.

I recently lost a good friend and neighbor to bladder cancer, he was diagnosed about 8 months after me, his name was also Gary. I offered to help with yard work, trips to the Dr., or whatever they needed. His wife came to me one day and asked if I would be willing to talk to Gary because he kept telling her "You don't understand.", I think we have all been there. Reluctantly I agreed, the last thing I wanted to do was spend more time thinking and talking about cancer but how could I say no. It turned out to be very good for both of us, similar to what we have here but on a much more personal and connected level. His battle included surgery, chemo, radiation, and more chemo. Through it all he kept saying "You have to play the hand you're dealt". The last time I took him to the Dr. I'd been having a down day and he turned it around on me, he said "Gary, you can't play the hand before God finishes dealing the cards", for some reason it meant so much more coming from him, I'll remember it for as long as I live.

Now when those inner demons come to call I remember Gary and I come here to read the stories of those that have gone and are going through much more than I have, its not long before the darkness passes. I believe that going face to face with someone that is traveling this road, a support group, etc., adds a great deal to the kindness we find here, I know it helped me.

Sincerely,

Gary

Vagusto's picture
Vagusto
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

Love love love this: You can't play the hand before God finishes dealing the cards! It
reminds me of my single parent days. When I would struggle my Mom would tell me that God
is trying to make sure that I am the strongest person that I can be. I would say....I'm
strong...enough now. :)

Wishing everyone a good day.
Valerie

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 400
Joined: Feb 2009

Yesterday, when I awoke, I caught movement in the maple tree outside the bedroom window. As I watched, I realized there was a shed leave that had been snagged in the fine filament of a strand of spider silk. The breeze caught it and it spun in one spot, swung it like a pendulum, and made it dance a crazy dance. It was how I felt...hanging on by a thread, being buffeted by even a small wind, trying hard to hang on.

After work, I returned home and ran to the bedroom. The leaf was gone and I shed tears later in the evening...for the leaf that couldn't hang on, and for myself.

You see, I had my regular CT one month ago, where they saw an enlarged and nodular thyroid. A week later, an ultrasound gave the thyroid more definition, and confirmed the nodes as both solid and fluid filled. On 11/17, I'll have a "Nuclear Med Thyroid Image" exam. The wait time is because the CT had an iodine contrast solution injected and that has to clear my body before the next tracer goes in.

Fear of another recurrence (already had two), frustration at the wait, disappointment, anger, rage, greif, difficulty focusing on some tasks, difficulty getting to sleep. It's truly a cliche to say if comes with the disease.
And then I participated as we said our good-byes to a member of the Cancer Suvivors Support Group who could not overcome the other complications created by her cancer treatment and think, "Yah, it could be lots worse."

So life goes on. Sometimes not the best of times, but it is life.
We need one another to say, "You're not crazy-that's how I feel, too,"
Hang in, hang on, or hang 10, but don't hang up,
Donna

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Donna,

You are so right when you say we need each other! I get peace of mind from the stories of long term survivors like the iceman, but stories like yours lift my soul.

I pray that I never hear the words "its back", but if I do I pray that I can face it with the courage and determination that you display. You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure many others.

I'd like to add "hang out" to your list,

Gary

ams123
Posts: 71
Joined: Aug 2011

I guess we all have hard days, and for myself I really don't know what to do about it. Wallow in it, let myself feel the feelings, or cowgirl up and deal with it and go about my day. I started to become quite miserable yesterday, as I am 5 weeks post op and feeling worse due to this vitamin b12 deficiency that was just discovered, and worried about my kidney disease that I got the biopsy for about 10 days ago. I wake up in the night thinking I forgot to do something about this doctor, or that doctor. I am trying to get an appointment with a nephrologist at Johns Hopkins, but for some reason the office person isn't calling me back. I am inundated with calls and papers and constantly faxing something.

I feel like I will never get better, this is the best I will be forever, I'll never be back to how I was before the surgery. My father went into kidney failure at age 53, and that is the experience I am basing everything on.

It's good to have this forum to get support and to vent. I agree that hearing people say "don't worry about it" or "just give it time" is not helpful.

Linda

braswelm's picture
braswelm
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2011

WAIT
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

braswelm's picture
braswelm
Posts: 41
Joined: Oct 2011

WAIT
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

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