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losing mom

mom1949
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2011

My Mom was a four year survivor.My brother died in 2008.On Dec. 31 we found out her cancer had come back.I went with her every week to chemo.She went through several trials.Even though it was stage 4 and had spread to her spine and liver and her doctor gave her 5 years at most with treatment. she seemed to take it in stride. christmas of 2010 she came home from the hospital.Thats when I started living with her.The cancer had spread to the fluid around her lungs and she had to be on oxygen.By the time Apr. had come she was getting more confused.and would get angry with me about weather or not I had or had not given her her meds.I could not get her to keep her oxygen on.She died on apr. 30.she still had about 1 and a half years on her 5 years .She went to the bathroom and died of a stroke .the drs. said she was gone before she hit the floor. her lung dr. said that would happen if she did not wear her oxygen . Sometimes I Think I should have been more watchful And maybe she would not have had the stroke . Sometimes I see something in my garden that she would like and I think I need to call mama and tell her about it. Then I realize that she's not here. This thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be so hard not having her here with us I am her only daughter staying with her for those last six months we got to talk a whole lot. I found out so much about our family and her. After she was gone and I was going through her papers, she'd never threw anything away I found out so much more about her that I never knew and she never talked about and I realize that she had so much to tell I wish She was still with us and miss her so much I wish I had found this website before she died I think it would've helped both of us It's so hard Not to have her here with me . I will close for NOW

catwink22's picture
catwink22
Posts: 239
Joined: Sep 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's the normal thing to do, to think "What more could I have done? What didn't I do? What could I have done differently?", but there is nothing you could have done better. You were there for your mom when she needed you most, creating beautiful memories that you can now carry with you. You had no control over the stroke, it could have happened in her sleep. And maybe that was a blessing so she didn't have to suffer and spare you the pain of watching and feeling helpless. The doctors certainly don't know when our time will end, it's more like a weather forecast, and they can be so wrong. I believe your mother IS with you. When you find that flower and think of her, she is with you even if it's only in spirit. I hope you are healing and maybe for the holidays, light a special candle so your mom's memory can be with you all in light and the glow of love.
Take Care
Cat

mom1949
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2011

Cat thank you .I just read your reply.This touched my heart and i know it was meant for me. My name is Catherine but my nick name for many years was Cat. Thank you so much I feel my moms hand was in you reply to me.Thank you again.

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