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In a Relationship, Married or Not... YOU SHOULD READ THIS!

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband...

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage

Written by: Kimmies Floral

Good Karma... Pass this on

Deb
redesign08.blogspot.com

palmyrafan's picture
palmyrafan
Posts: 398
Joined: Mar 2011

This is powerful. I am so Blessed to be in love with my husband and he with me, after 19 years of marriage. We are still like newlyweds. However, that is not the case with many people.

Thank you for posting this, if only to make people wake up and see life for what it truly is, a Blessing!

Teresa

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

What an amazing posting. I do hope many people will read this, very special in so many ways.

Actually as I read the post I realized just how much like my situation that couple's was but my husband knew I had cancer and the marriage had become so bad I actually had to ask him to go. I had been mislead though because all my stresses with him were undoubtedly because he had met someone else at work and that was the reason for our distance I realized later. But many things about that story resounded in my relationship as I am sure it will with many others.

I sure wish I had read that when my husband and I were planning the separation. Not sure it would have made a difference but you never know.

That woman who did what she had to do even though she was dieing certainly fullfilled her mission on this crazy planet by touching many many people with her story. I am glad that the husband shared.

Thanks for posting this.

Blessings,

Bluerose

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks for sharing that post. I have lost my family due to my cancer. I am a survivor, but while I was fighting for my life, my husband had also met someone at his job. I asked him to talk, work together, listen - do anything to save our 23 years together. He insisted he did nothing wrong, and it was me. I filed in 8/2010, and noticed 2 weeks later a new phone number on his cell phone. He was already gone. In hide sight I realize all the cutting remarks, and ridicule on my weight loss was not humor - it was just mean. I must add, this has been the best and the worst year of my life. I am so relieved I do not have to deal with his negativity, and have been unburdened.
I can relate bluerose. Good to see you, and hoping you are doing well.
This story touched my heart, and I am sure will touch many others. I wished for a different outcome, but have grown so strong and am basically happy.
What an awesome post. It will stay with me for some time.
God bless! Patty

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

Good to see you too, man your post could be my post on my relationship too. I wonder how many others have the same or similar stores, I know the percentage of failed marriages and relationships is high in cancer situations. Live and learn eh?

Yuppers, when I look back on why I reacted as I did to him in so many situations that didn't really feel like my normal reactions I realize that he had opted out of the marriage a long time ago but chose not to let me in on that little fact so just kept pretending he was still committed. Now I know he should have simply been committed period. lol. He was selfishly holding on to me until he met someone else he was sure he could transfer over to. The fact she worked right in his office for years, was wealthy and younger OF COURSE, didn't hurt. Didn't hurt him I mean. The part that really bothers me though is that he used to take my young kids to work on weekends to 'help me out so I could sleep' when in fact he was using them as bait to get to her as she was in on the weekends too in an otherwise empty office. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Thank goodness for Karma.

Anywho after that little rant I am going to go and cut the cats nails. lol. Man, I need a life. lol.

Talk to you soon.

Hugs,

Bluerose

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

I feel like I am looking in a mirror when I read your post! Wow! My ex spends his weekends with her, and has not done visitation -my 16 yr old - at all! He actually introduced my children to her, which did not go over well with my daughter, but son thinks it is fine. Arghh! I know he opted out years ago, yet he says, "I took care of you all those years!!" I just laugh, remembering not being able to get water, as I laid in bed during chemo/rad. As I look back, a lot of things fall into place. I do not care what he does, but do not mess with my children! I can understand your anger! Grrrrr! Yes, my ex is digging his own grave.
Lol! I had the groom-mobile come yesterday to trim my cats nails!
I am looking for a support group for cancer/divorce. Maybe we should start our own???
So good to chat, and I pray you are doing well healthwise. Please keep in touch, you are a special person. Are you on Face book at all? I have a special group of survivor sisters so we can post daily, and most important privately among ourselves.
God bless you! Patty - still not Fatty!!! :(

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

She set all that up for the love of her son. She didn't want her son to think less of his dad when she passed away. Of course this dad will play the good guy role.

Cancer has a way of forcing what is hidden deep down to surface. It takes away the blinders from our eyes to face what is difficult.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I think you would be surprised how many support groups there are, probably around where you live even. I like the online type of support as it frees people up to be totally upfront and honest so it works better for me. I mean there are always those who come on sites like this and lie about their circumstances but they are few and far between and usually they out themselves and get booted off the site I am sure.

I think the most hurtful part of my family breakup is that both my kids who I put 200% into raising,even when I was sick, have decided to side with their father who, big shock is wealthy. He is not living up to his separation agreement with me and won't even answer requests to honour his promises to up my income but lives in a big custom built new home with his new wife and lives high on the hog. I am so disappointed in my children even though I know that my illness plus the divorce was hard on everyone including them. Why take sides like that and why shun me? Guess being sick and not able to work isn't as much fun and brag worthy as their father. It's been tough. Especially at holidays like Thanksgiving, Xmas etc.

Oh well I believe that there is a reason for everything and we learn lessons from it all. Some days are better than others but I am learning to put myself first for a change, spent so many years putting my ex and the kids first and look where I wind up now? That's okay, not bitter - just disappointed and sad about it all. I have found an apt by the river so it's very peaceful here, good for my health, and I am trying to de-stress after all those years. I know you can relate.

Hugs,

BLuerose

teenadee
Posts: 86
Joined: Aug 2011

When I first started reading I was so angry thinking, **** he had an affair. I knew where it was heading but I didn't imagine that your wife had passed away. I am touched with your story and the way your wife handled herself. An amazing wonderful mother that did whatever she could to keep your son loving you deeply. I hope you are well and I am sorry it took this for you to realize the love for her. I have been with my husband for 22 years and he is my oxygen, he is the love of my life with my children. Everyone makes mistakes in life and we pay sometimes the wrong way, I hope you are the closest with your son. Thank you for your wake up call, not to take your spouse for granted because you don't know how much time you have together. No one knows how much time we have except God.

legendary11
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2014

What a good wife she was. :( My tears were falling as Im reading the story. What a husband he was. Thank you for this. I realized that I must give more value to my girlfriend and I must be faithful to her and be visible all the times. Being in a relationship is somehow a practice stage of being husband and wife.
http://www.asian-retreats.com

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