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I need to vent about this evil taking my Mark

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I really need to vent today and I know that this board is unbiase and I honestly feel better typing on this when I do have to vent.

This cancer is ruining me and my husband. We were suppose to be together and grow old together and this cancer is taking all that away from us. I HATE CANCER! My poor husband doesn't deserve this treatment of pain and suffering!! It is eating away at him and as his caregiver it is taking him away from me! I love him dearly and this stupid cancer is making our time together shorter than we had expected! DAMN THIS CANCER!!! This isn't suppose to be happening...we are suppose to grow old and enjoy each other. Not him sleeping all the time while the cancer eats at him. Not me having to check him while he sleeps. Not giving him morphine for the pain. This isn't suppose to happen! I HATE CANCER!!! I know I will go on without him once he does leave his earthly body and I know he will be pain free. I just don't want him to go!!! We constantly say "I love you" to each other knowing that someday those words won't be said or heard again!! We aren't suppose to say goodbye this early in our life together! His time is getting short and I know it as does he. I HATE CANCER!!

Thanks for letting me vent (my best friend is calling and making me change my thought process of thinking about this sucky cancer, I really don't care what she is saying right now but I will listen to get my mind into a different state) and God bless!

See my other post on "a caregivers life" in regards to my best friend calling me!!!! GRRR...this cancer sucks!
~Kelly

livestrong_fighter's picture
livestrong_fighter
Posts: 39
Joined: Dec 2009

This cancer thing really sucks! I HATE CANCER!

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I agree to you all agreeing....I HATE CANCER!!! And unfortunately I found out it runs in my family too....oh brother....who is going to take care of me???

Oh well, guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

~Kelly

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

I am going to the same thing. The hardest part for me now is that my husband doesn't talk anymore, just sleeps. This last year has been hell. He has had all the rad treatments and cemo. He had a liver transplant 11 years ago, thought he might not get one, was very scary time also. Now this awful cancer. All the nausea all the emergency visits all the different doctors just to tell us nothing but bad news. I really think my husband is just tired. He can't eat anything has a feeding tube and a track. He fell last night and has a black and blue eye called 911 out again, he said he didn't want to go to hospital he is just so tired of that hospital don't blame him a bit!! He doesn't know if he wants any more treatments. Made him so sick. His cancer doctor wants him to see a liver doctor before she would conceder any cemo treatments. I really think he might be just giving up. He use to talk a little but now the quiet is killing me. I feel so bad for him not being able to sleep. Don't know what he is getting any happiness from. Don't know what he is thinking. His daughter does come over and tells him to have faith. And believe that he will get healed, but with everything going against him, i don't know. I want to have faith and there is hope, but after so much bad news, it is so very very hard!!!!!! Sue

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I agree Sue that this is very hard on a caregiver...the unknowing...what are they feeling (besides pain) what are they thinking...why are they not letting us know. I feel for you and sympathize with you on what you are going through. All I can do is be there for him, be his guiding hand through this unknown world he is living right now as am I. Help him when he needs it and get out of his way when he doesn't. Keep my eye on him to make sure he is pain free and safe but not get in his face/space. A caregivers life is harder than anyone thinks. Even though my best friend says she understands (and in the same breath) but states that I need to give her a "heads up" when I become short with her. I have to give warning that "I hate what this stupid cancer is doing to us, to my husband, to me!" My husband also talks very little anymore, hasn't gotten to being silent just yet but sometimes he will just nod at me when I say "I love you". It is going to happen unfortunately. All I can offer to him is a soothing voice and a helping hand when he needs it. All the decisions that are to be made are his and his alone until he is no longer able to...I dread that day but it is inevitable. There are times when I had to put my foot down but it was only for his safety and security because he is starting to get confused about things. Thank goodness he doesn't realize that he is getting confused, that would make it much worse. Again I am sorry for what you are going through and pray that you find peace in your husband's decision to either continue treatments or not. I will also pray for your husband and say a prayer for you as his caregiver.

Take care!
~Kelly

Geri1959
Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

I don;t think I can do this, my husband was diagnoised in May 2011 with a rear form of cancer he is being treated for colon cancer,since that is the closest I guess, he also has chron this cancer is from the chrons, and he lost 20 lbs in three weeks, I think it is from the chemo not the cancer, so he only has one more treatment then we are done for a while I hope !!! from reading here this is going to get worst!!! how will I cope how will I kepp my job!!! OMG I don;t think can do this What am I going to do he has lost 20 lb is 3 weeks!!! he is now 126 lbs he is 5"9 I am scared !!!

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I am sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you or worry you Geri, I was just venting as I am allotted to do. My husband also lost alot of weight real fast (was 140lbs at 6 foot, now down to 123lbs)and he isn't taking any chemo (he doesn't want it, his choice and decision). He has stage IV lung cancer with mets. He is on hospice. There is no cure for him, only pallative treatment for the pain. I don't know about colon cancer though. Talk to the doctor, see what kind of treatment plan is best for him. As a caregiver we have to be strong. Some of us can handle it, some can't. I on the other hand can handle it I just have to vent every once in a while. This board and the lung cancer board has helped me deal with the stress I go through daily.

Again I am sorry if I scared you, no harm intended at all. I just needed to vent. Please accept my apology.

You and your husband are in my prayers Geri. I hope that God puts His healing hand on your family.

~Kelly

Geri1959
Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

Kelly, Please don;t be sorry, reading the experinces that people go through helps me it takes the fear away, and helps me to understand that I can do this too, with the help from this board, my heart aches for everyone that has to take this journey... but thank God for this foram and for people like you who can share their stories and vent with no judgement and no need to ever say sorry... I thank every one here from the bottom of my heart for sharing, it helps more then I can express and to know I am not alone, and I can vent and talk about how scared I really am...

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2003
Joined: Aug 2011

Kelly (I read both your posts) and Sue,

My heart goes out to you. I wish I could do more than
"listen" and respond here.

My thoughts are with you both.

Big virtual hugs across the Internet,

Jim

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Thanks Jim,

You know, that really means alot to me. At least someone is listening to my scatter brain thoughts. Thanks for the virtual hug!

God Bless!
~Kelly

ddpekks's picture
ddpekks
Posts: 162
Joined: Sep 2011

My heart goes out to both of you, Kelly and Sue, and all the others that have been through and are fighting this terrible thing. Yes, as caregivers, we fight the battle, too! I have no words to console you, because I know you are unconsolable, but I am here to listen, anytime.

(((((((hugs)))))))

D

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Thank you D,

The virtual hugs are just what I needed now. Thanks for listening and letting me vent and I am also sorry that I scared the s#!t out of anyone. I was just venting and I didn't mean to hurt anyone or scare anyone.

Anyone that acknowledges my "venting" is number one on my list.

Thanks for listening
~Kelly

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

I really think we are all in this together, we are all here for the same reason, trying to fight the beast! We don't want to scare anyone, it is what it is. All we as caregivers needs is just somebody to listen to us, when we need to vent OUR thoughts as we know we will not be judged here! Thanks everyone for all your responds. sue

rebing
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2011

Venting is good and this is a great place to vent. I am caring for my Mom who has been given just a few months. We are just trying to make her comfortable. I agree CANCER SUCKS!! I want my Mom back not this shell of a woman living with me. I am tired she is tired and every hour is a stuggle. I have worried myself for 15 months and took care of her. She fall last week and cracked her shoulder bone. I feel so guilty because she fall. SHe now has the pain from the cancer and her shoulder. Hospice has given us 3 different sleeping pills none work she sleep maybe 2 hours and then up. I am worn out. I am a horrible person because I pray to God to end her suffering. I just do not know what else to do! I feel anyone that vents is showing they have courage and strength because they are letting out their feelings which for a caregiver can go from rage to tears in seconds. I pray for each of us and our loved ones.
((((HUGS)))) to all

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

That's what I really wanted to say...thinking of you and wishing you continued strength as you stay by Mark's side...I was in my bereavement support group today and I talked about how the grieving process starts before the person dies...with Frank, I was mourning the loss of our relationship, I was mourning the person he was, as he started to slowly slip away. It's so, so hard. Having gone through it, I can say what is to come is not easy , but not as impossible as it sometimes seems when you look ahead.
Peace to you,
Karen

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I know it won't be easy. Today is probably the worse day for Mark. He has been in bed all day but it was mainly my fault. I was steam cleaning the carpet in the living room and had it all a mess to where he couldn't sit in his spot. That was no big deal to him. The big deal for me was the fact that we just got a new script of liquid morphine yesterday at 4:20 pm and the first bottle is almost gone in less than a 20 hour time frame. That's not good. I will be calling the hospice nurses in the morning to find out if we up the dosage or find another sort of relief for him. One bottle usually would last for three or four days not 16 hours. I HATE this CANCER that is making my man hurt so bad!!!

His brother will be coming on Friday from Ohio. I have a gut feeling this will be the last time he will see him.

I understand what you are saying Karen in regards to the grieving process. I have talked to the nurses about "anticipation griefing" which is an unfortunate and normal process. I just wish I didn't have to go through this, I wish that my husband wasn't leaving me and now that it is getting closer than it was when he first got diagnosed I hate it even more cause I know his time is short. I love on him as much as I can while I still have him. I don't know what I am going to do without him. I know I will go on but it is going to suck!!!

Thanks for letting me vent more!
~Kelly

Geri1959
Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

Kelly,
my thoughts and prayers are with you,may I ask how long have you been on this journey?

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

Geri,

My journey with this evil thing attacking my husband started the early morning hours after Super bowl Sunday. Official NSCLC with mets diagnosis was 3/3/11. But the Monday after the Superbowl was the beginning of the end for my husband. He doesn't want chemo, didn't from day one. Only radiation treatments which last until June. But this is all his decision until he is unable to.

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers and my thoughts and prayers are with you in this adventure you are going through.

Thanks for listening!
~Kelly

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