Is that all you can ever talk about?
Came back from a relaxing water aerobics class. Told husband I met a lady who conquered breast cancer in 1996. Her sister was in a clinical trial for Herceptin in 2001, which interested me since my cancer is Herceptin Pos. and all of us now benefit from these trials. Husband snapped at me - "I am tired of you talking about breast cancer, is that all you can ever talk about, I am sick of hearing it, etc." Tears are running down my face while I write this - I am only a little over 1 year out from end of radiaton, less than 10 months out from end of Herceptin and battle with chronic pain from lymph node removal. This is not the first time I heard similar comments from him and his family. I am 78 years old, no family of my own, only Social Security for my main income - otherwise I'd walk out right now. I have had enough! How do I deal with this?
Marlene
Comments
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It's a man thing I think.
My son said the same thing to me. Many men are avoiders and think we should just get on with our lives. Too bad...not my style. Talk about it as much as you need to and for as long as you find it helpful. I won't ever let someone tell me how to deal with my cancer. You have sisters here who will listen so you can honor his wishes and communicate with us. Just one more reason to have this board. Hugs.
Roseann0 -
So Sorry
Marlene, it's really distressing when your closest family doesn't understand how engrossing fighting this illness can be. But it might also frighten him to think about the negative implications -- for you and for him. I realize I am dumping too much information, too much obsession, on my friends and family sometimes. So far they have been really tolerant, but I consciously try to leave my husband out of most of it (he still gets more than his share), and spread the rest around as much as I can. Is there a cancer support group nearby where you can vent? I don't think what he is doing is right, but I also think you can't control him -- only yourself. And, please, let it all hang out here, where everyone understands.0 -
I am Her 2 pos as well. Iroseann4 said:It's a man thing I think.
My son said the same thing to me. Many men are avoiders and think we should just get on with our lives. Too bad...not my style. Talk about it as much as you need to and for as long as you find it helpful. I won't ever let someone tell me how to deal with my cancer. You have sisters here who will listen so you can honor his wishes and communicate with us. Just one more reason to have this board. Hugs.
Roseann
I am Her 2 pos as well. I also have been told is that all I can talk about. Friends will do that to ya. You have us, that why were here. Hugs
Kathy0 -
Common reaction
Common reaction though not very nice. My nurse told me to expect such a reaction from family members. She suggested that I consider finding a support group outside my family so that I could get the support I needed and my family could get the distance from the cancer problem that they needed. For a while there I went to a support group with arms. Then I started coming to this board. This meets my needs right now, but the face to face group was good too. You might find such a group at a hospital, a breast cancer society or organization, or look for the Wellness Community closest to your home. Good luck!0 -
That makes me furious!!!cabbott said:Common reaction
Common reaction though not very nice. My nurse told me to expect such a reaction from family members. She suggested that I consider finding a support group outside my family so that I could get the support I needed and my family could get the distance from the cancer problem that they needed. For a while there I went to a support group with arms. Then I started coming to this board. This meets my needs right now, but the face to face group was good too. You might find such a group at a hospital, a breast cancer society or organization, or look for the Wellness Community closest to your home. Good luck!
I can't imagine how your heart feels right now,but trust me if you know anything about the God i serve he will fix it for you.Just know we love you here on this board and you'll always have us, JUST KNOW THAT we Love you!!!0 -
Come here and "talk" as much as you need to about it!mollyz said:That makes me furious!!!
I can't imagine how your heart feels right now,but trust me if you know anything about the God i serve he will fix it for you.Just know we love you here on this board and you'll always have us, JUST KNOW THAT we Love you!!!
I had a similar reaction from 2 of my (former) best friends. I told my husband how much they hurt me. He listened and kindly said that it does get hard to hear sometimes, but that it was his job to listen and support me so he always will (ahhhhh). I imagine the same words as your husband expressed verbally may have buzzed around in his head more than once over the past 15 months, but he was somehow smart enough to keep his mouth shut.
In hindsight, I acknowledge that cancer was almost my entire my life while in treatment and I know that it always will be part of my life, but I am now very careful of what I share with whom. And it's easier not to talk about because I've recovered and active treatments are behind me. It's not always standing right in front of me! Cancer changes us and we don't just forget it and move on like some people think we should.
I'm sorry you had to hear those words from your husband. I make no excuses for him but I hope you two can get to a place where it's ok for you to talk and for him to listen again.
Suzanne0 -
TalkDouble Whammy said:Come here and "talk" as much as you need to about it!
I had a similar reaction from 2 of my (former) best friends. I told my husband how much they hurt me. He listened and kindly said that it does get hard to hear sometimes, but that it was his job to listen and support me so he always will (ahhhhh). I imagine the same words as your husband expressed verbally may have buzzed around in his head more than once over the past 15 months, but he was somehow smart enough to keep his mouth shut.
In hindsight, I acknowledge that cancer was almost my entire my life while in treatment and I know that it always will be part of my life, but I am now very careful of what I share with whom. And it's easier not to talk about because I've recovered and active treatments are behind me. It's not always standing right in front of me! Cancer changes us and we don't just forget it and move on like some people think we should.
I'm sorry you had to hear those words from your husband. I make no excuses for him but I hope you two can get to a place where it's ok for you to talk and for him to listen again.
Suzanne
Thank you all so very much for your kind words. I am attending a support group, but we do not get too deep into emotional issues. I already learned to keep my mouth shut around my friends. This board has been my emotional outlet and I am so glad to have you all. There are days when I think of nothing but cancer, I dissect every little ache and pain. Reading this board I understand that I am not alone in this.
Thank you all again and many hugs,
Marlene0 -
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}mruczko said:Talk
Thank you all so very much for your kind words. I am attending a support group, but we do not get too deep into emotional issues. I already learned to keep my mouth shut around my friends. This board has been my emotional outlet and I am so glad to have you all. There are days when I think of nothing but cancer, I dissect every little ache and pain. Reading this board I understand that I am not alone in this.
Thank you all again and many hugs,
Marlene
Come here and "talk" all you want. I had a friend make a similar statement to me when I was trying to recover from a fire. Guess I should say former friend. Sometimes people just don't understand that you need to talk through things to try and keep your sanity. You've got lots of firends here who will listen to you anytime. We all know what it's like and many others on the "outside" just don't get it.
Sending you prayers for peace! And for healing your heart.0 -
Marlene,
Like everyone else
Marlene,
Like everyone else says, men are just different. We women talk things through over and over and over. I too talk to people about it probably more than average (?) but that is how I get information. Usually, I get some really good info.
Talk here all you need to! May count all the other ways your husband has been there for you through this.
Cindy0 -
Ladies, while women tend tomamolady said:Marlene,
Like everyone else
Marlene,
Like everyone else says, men are just different. We women talk things through over and over and over. I too talk to people about it probably more than average (?) but that is how I get information. Usually, I get some really good info.
Talk here all you need to! May count all the other ways your husband has been there for you through this.
Cindy
Ladies, while women tend to need to talk things out more than men, let's be honest. If the man is your life is ill does he suffer in silence??? I would (as my Mom used to say) bet dollars to donuts he would be bending your ear and whining like a baby. I've known big, strong, strapping men (who shall remain nameless) turn into whimpering, needy little boys at the first sign of a sniffle. I can't imagine how the same men would be with cancer.
Its hurtful and I am sorry you had to hear that from your life partner. This is the very best place to share, cry, vent, because truly we know where you are coming from. Although I have a loving, supportive husband, even he doesn't 'get it'. The joint/bone pain from chemo and the adjuvant therapies are not the same as the minor aches you get from reaching your 50's/60's. Chemo brain is not like forgetfulness. I know because I've had both. He doesn't know and tries to compare my complaints to things he can relate to. I love him for it, but get frustrated in trying to share. Some things can't be shared with those who haven't been there.
Thank Goodness for the Sisters here. We really do need each other. Thank you Ladies!0 -
my husbandChickadee1955 said:Ladies, while women tend to
Ladies, while women tend to need to talk things out more than men, let's be honest. If the man is your life is ill does he suffer in silence??? I would (as my Mom used to say) bet dollars to donuts he would be bending your ear and whining like a baby. I've known big, strong, strapping men (who shall remain nameless) turn into whimpering, needy little boys at the first sign of a sniffle. I can't imagine how the same men would be with cancer.
Its hurtful and I am sorry you had to hear that from your life partner. This is the very best place to share, cry, vent, because truly we know where you are coming from. Although I have a loving, supportive husband, even he doesn't 'get it'. The joint/bone pain from chemo and the adjuvant therapies are not the same as the minor aches you get from reaching your 50's/60's. Chemo brain is not like forgetfulness. I know because I've had both. He doesn't know and tries to compare my complaints to things he can relate to. I love him for it, but get frustrated in trying to share. Some things can't be shared with those who haven't been there.
Thank Goodness for the Sisters here. We really do need each other. Thank you Ladies!
who has been super-supportive throughout my treatment, has recently shown signs of wanting to "put this whole thing behind us" and "now you're done with treatment" "you don;t have cancer any more" etc. I can;t blame him, honestly, yes, it is all I talk about - at least right now. that's just the way it is. Other friends also show signs of being "done" with the cancer discussion. But for me, it's not done and I need to go on talking about it - I spend a LOT of time on these online boards, see an oncology therapist, go to a BC support group. Talking about it is something I need to do, but at the same time I don;t want to overwhelm friends and family - plus quite honestly most friends who have not been here don;t "get it" so talking to them about it is really not as helpful as talking to other survivors.
Best,
Laura0 -
talk about it
as much as you want to, right here...chat away, share it here, as long as there is a place to go, to let it all out, you can quietly tell him to go to hell, and then come here, and talk to us~ call your friends that will listen and if you can visit them, even better. So leave him wondering what is going on~ sorry he is not more supportive, but we are~ so keep filling us in~ God Bless you Mariene, you have been to hell and back and we all know it, because we have taken the same trip. Your husband, many husbands and partners live in fear of losing us, and talking about it, makes them worry about themselves and how they are going to get along without us~ they forget the fear that we live with each and every day~love to you, Sinee0 -
Wow
The smart aleck in me would like to retaliate on thier favorite hobby then next time they bring it up. However, this is not really a good idea as it would further damage your relationship. He has done enough damage already. I guess pray for him because he is clueless how hurtful that was to you.0 -
I would be hurt too. manylaughs_a_lot said:Wow
The smart aleck in me would like to retaliate on thier favorite hobby then next time they bring it up. However, this is not really a good idea as it would further damage your relationship. He has done enough damage already. I guess pray for him because he is clueless how hurtful that was to you.
I would be hurt too. many people have completed their time line with us. Unfortunately you have not completed the time line. Because you are still putting the pieces back together.I wonder if people think we are attention seeking, but this all takes time. and it is perfectly normal.You spend so much energy trying to deal witht the physical side effects of treatment that you cant focus on the emotional. I find just now, close to 2 years from chemo end and a year or so from rads that I am finally not talking as much. However I have this group, a counselor to talk when I need to. and this is a crucial form of recovery for me. If someone said that to me, I would feel bad, like I was being a PIA or needy and I would clam up. I have gotten to a place with my husband where I can say " I am going to talk about this as long as I need to stop being an A!@hole"
I spend a lot of needless energy wanting people to 'get" it. This is not going to happen. So i seek refuge in those that do, and in doing things for me that nurture me. Something Ihad neglected.
I am saying you husband is an A@#hole i am just saying he is being one, as we are all capable of at one time or another. Big Hugs and continue upon your healing path, you have shown your strength by getting through.
also people dont understand that this does not have an end. they think it has a beginning and an end. it is always something that is with us, just like a fire or a death.0 -
Hugscarkris said:I would be hurt too. many
I would be hurt too. many people have completed their time line with us. Unfortunately you have not completed the time line. Because you are still putting the pieces back together.I wonder if people think we are attention seeking, but this all takes time. and it is perfectly normal.You spend so much energy trying to deal witht the physical side effects of treatment that you cant focus on the emotional. I find just now, close to 2 years from chemo end and a year or so from rads that I am finally not talking as much. However I have this group, a counselor to talk when I need to. and this is a crucial form of recovery for me. If someone said that to me, I would feel bad, like I was being a PIA or needy and I would clam up. I have gotten to a place with my husband where I can say " I am going to talk about this as long as I need to stop being an A!@hole"
I spend a lot of needless energy wanting people to 'get" it. This is not going to happen. So i seek refuge in those that do, and in doing things for me that nurture me. Something Ihad neglected.
I am saying you husband is an A@#hole i am just saying he is being one, as we are all capable of at one time or another. Big Hugs and continue upon your healing path, you have shown your strength by getting through.
also people dont understand that this does not have an end. they think it has a beginning and an end. it is always something that is with us, just like a fire or a death.
I understand your reaction and feel for you.
I got similar reaction from my best friends who have been very supportive through my journey. while recovering from mastectomy I was told that I am talking too much about my illness and I need to focus on something different and take my mind away and focus on more interesting topics. My other friend always change the subjects when I go into detail of my treatment, I am still on anti-estrogen therapy. My son gets upset every time when I say" I cannot do it, or it too much for me, I cannot handle such and such' . He thinks I am cured and should live my "normal" and physically demanding lifestyle.
I still talk to my husband about cancer, but not as often as I used to.
What I am saying, if your husband rude it is unacceptable, if he bored by Cancer topic, it is typical for healthy people and they will never understand
HUgs0 -
Marlene .. I am so sorry about your husbandsNew Flower said:Hugs
I understand your reaction and feel for you.
I got similar reaction from my best friends who have been very supportive through my journey. while recovering from mastectomy I was told that I am talking too much about my illness and I need to focus on something different and take my mind away and focus on more interesting topics. My other friend always change the subjects when I go into detail of my treatment, I am still on anti-estrogen therapy. My son gets upset every time when I say" I cannot do it, or it too much for me, I cannot handle such and such' . He thinks I am cured and should live my "normal" and physically demanding lifestyle.
I still talk to my husband about cancer, but not as often as I used to.
What I am saying, if your husband rude it is unacceptable, if he bored by Cancer topic, it is typical for healthy people and they will never understand
HUgs
response to such a very valid and active topic among 'we' breast cancer WARRIORS. It is a FACT .. that our close friends, children, sufficient other and husbands declare within themselves that we are healed and cured .. once chemo or rad's have finished -- therefore, there is no need for any follow up visits, surgeries, let alone discussion regarding breast cancer. My children fit into this mold. My husband is supportive, so I try and not to over saturated our conversations, life and activities with cancer, chemo therapy, remission and/or recurrence. It has taken me some time, but I am getting there.
I now find, that my husband is the one .. asking me if I hear this or that, did I read this article and so on. In fact, he has asked me if I met this wonderful gray hair women at our last wine tasting class who had breast cancer 20 plus years ago -- I had, but I allowed him to recount their conversation.
Personally, having to endure endless months of chemo therapy, fatigue, stress, baldness, weight loss, weight gain, nose sores, bloody noses, and what seemed 2 years of drippy eyes, and running noses .. there will NEVER be a time in my life, that I will forget that battled breast cancer. My emotions, my memory has forever been seared with my journey, struggles, sadness of lost Sister to this disease, and those fighting a new battle!!! Does all this engulf my every waking hour -- at times. Its so hard, not to.
This is my safe haven ...I come here to our ACS site whenever possible to offer support, a prayer and hope -- I keep my family relationships, friends, husband close to what is happening with me .. but, I try and live life --
It is all so difficult..
Take care.
Vicki Sam0 -
Ever see a "women working" sign?
I am sorry that you are dealing with this, breast cancer is so life changing for us there is no way we can just get over it and never mention it again. I hope he never has to find out what this is like. And on the topic of men needing lots of attention when they are sick they always need it. As my mother once pointed out to me as we went down the road, there is another "men working" sign....have you ever seen a "women working" sign?
Just saying,
Jennifer0 -
We Are The Lucky One's
Hi Marlene,
I went online in 1997 to help me deal with breast cancer related issues. They were not available when I was diagnose 3 years prior. I did attend a local support group but found the online one easier as I didn't need to dress and go out to attend.
Can you imagine what it was like for those women back before the mid 1970's who had no one to talk to about their ordeal. One never spoke about their breast cancer except with women relatives and only in a whisper. How could the relatives possibly know if they never had the disease. One would not know about friends unless very close to them. No one spoke of breast cancer. My aunt was diagnose in 1959 and I remember the whispers about it. When she was diagnose with lung metastasis 5 years later, one would have thought she had lung cancer not breast cancer that had spread to her lungs.
Trouble is I don't think she totally understood herself. I remember her saying to me in a perplex voice on how it could be possible that someone who never smoked to have cancer in their lungs? I didn't understand either until much later.
I think how awful it was for my aunt and so many women like her who had no books, no friends and no one at all to discuss issues related to the disease. Even her doctor could hardly say the word cancer.
We are the lucky one's today to have this venue to speak about issues that bother us. Keep posting away Marlene.
Best to you,
Doris0 -
So trueSIROD said:We Are The Lucky One's
Hi Marlene,
I went online in 1997 to help me deal with breast cancer related issues. They were not available when I was diagnose 3 years prior. I did attend a local support group but found the online one easier as I didn't need to dress and go out to attend.
Can you imagine what it was like for those women back before the mid 1970's who had no one to talk to about their ordeal. One never spoke about their breast cancer except with women relatives and only in a whisper. How could the relatives possibly know if they never had the disease. One would not know about friends unless very close to them. No one spoke of breast cancer. My aunt was diagnose in 1959 and I remember the whispers about it. When she was diagnose with lung metastasis 5 years later, one would have thought she had lung cancer not breast cancer that had spread to her lungs.
Trouble is I don't think she totally understood herself. I remember her saying to me in a perplex voice on how it could be possible that someone who never smoked to have cancer in their lungs? I didn't understand either until much later.
I think how awful it was for my aunt and so many women like her who had no books, no friends and no one at all to discuss issues related to the disease. Even her doctor could hardly say the word cancer.
We are the lucky one's today to have this venue to speak about issues that bother us. Keep posting away Marlene.
Best to you,
Doris
So true Sirod.No one to talk to. My mom was dx at 21.I was born 6 years later.So it was a time span but never did I hear the word breast cancer.I'm not sure how I was told.I guess really not until I saw my mom without a breast.With me being born years later it wasn't a sit down and discuss situtation like today.It had passed for her.She had a masectomy and that was the end of treatment etc.
For me.I try to not say alot to my husband.He wasn't real supporative in the beginning.Being a Viet Nam veteran and in the Marines he had to be tough and he stayed that way.His life also wasnt what I call a caring family.He started working at a young age. Pretty much what his parents made him do.He is a hard worker today but I don't feel he had much of a childhood. He has changed but this last tumor that was benign I had a wait.Doctor put me off.Not once did my husband say "When is your biopsy".He didn't seem concerned. I FINALLY got my appt.Next day went in for the biopsy.My friend went with me.He had no idea I was getting a biopsy till I got home and said for the next 24 hours I can't lift anything heavy etc.
Now this one will really make you wonder.Years ago we went to visit a friend of my husband's and his wife.It was my first time meeting them.A year later we went back to see them. We were in shock.He had melanoma.Just had his surgery maybe a month before or less.My husband, me and his friend discussed his condition.It was serious. The mole had grown all over the top part of his arm.He told us things were fine.It was though a shock to look at.Out of the blue his wife said"I am so sick of him talking about this cancer".That is all he talks about.My husband and I were in shock.Couldn't believe what came out of her mouth.She even said men from her work always wanted to buy her coffee.Excuse me your husband is sick and she talks about other men. My husband was floored.I didnt think much of her and still don't.That was many many years ago.Husband's friend did pass.We went to the funeral and maybe saw her once after.She was a nasty person and we will never see her again.She wasn't worth talking to.
Lynn Smith0 -
For Lynn Smith -- The "C" wordLynn Smith said:So true
So true Sirod.No one to talk to. My mom was dx at 21.I was born 6 years later.So it was a time span but never did I hear the word breast cancer.I'm not sure how I was told.I guess really not until I saw my mom without a breast.With me being born years later it wasn't a sit down and discuss situtation like today.It had passed for her.She had a masectomy and that was the end of treatment etc.
For me.I try to not say alot to my husband.He wasn't real supporative in the beginning.Being a Viet Nam veteran and in the Marines he had to be tough and he stayed that way.His life also wasnt what I call a caring family.He started working at a young age. Pretty much what his parents made him do.He is a hard worker today but I don't feel he had much of a childhood. He has changed but this last tumor that was benign I had a wait.Doctor put me off.Not once did my husband say "When is your biopsy".He didn't seem concerned. I FINALLY got my appt.Next day went in for the biopsy.My friend went with me.He had no idea I was getting a biopsy till I got home and said for the next 24 hours I can't lift anything heavy etc.
Now this one will really make you wonder.Years ago we went to visit a friend of my husband's and his wife.It was my first time meeting them.A year later we went back to see them. We were in shock.He had melanoma.Just had his surgery maybe a month before or less.My husband, me and his friend discussed his condition.It was serious. The mole had grown all over the top part of his arm.He told us things were fine.It was though a shock to look at.Out of the blue his wife said"I am so sick of him talking about this cancer".That is all he talks about.My husband and I were in shock.Couldn't believe what came out of her mouth.She even said men from her work always wanted to buy her coffee.Excuse me your husband is sick and she talks about other men. My husband was floored.I didnt think much of her and still don't.That was many many years ago.Husband's friend did pass.We went to the funeral and maybe saw her once after.She was a nasty person and we will never see her again.She wasn't worth talking to.
Lynn Smith
Dear Lynn,
My mother was in the hospital for a very bad injury, we were waiting for test returns to know what was happening. My aunt said I fear to say it out loud and I ask what she was thinking, "you know the "C" word.
This in 2011 and she won't say the word "Cancer". I have stage IV and I said, "you, fear she has cancer?". When her daughter-in-law had a very serious cancer a few years ago, I sent her information on it. A simple explanation from Mayo Clinic. She wrote back that she didn't want to read it, made her very nervous and not to send any more information like the one I sent her.
Cancer traumatized many in the older generation. It is the only explanation I can come up for that sort of attitude. Many people can't handle it, don't want to learn more and if they don't speak, learn, listen, it may never happen to them.
When I was diagnose, I spoke to my boss about the upcoming surgery and what the path report stated. He inquired what if anything should be said to the staff. I said, "oh tell them please, perhaps it will jolt a few to be sure they have a mammogram". Since that day, I never hesitated speaking of my breast cancer. I believe that it is educating those who don't know.
I was surprise to learn that very intelligent people had no idea what stage IV meant. Mine is in the lungs and lining and many people thought I had lung cancer. I now explain immediately that I have breast cancer that has spread to the lungs. Very, very different than lung cancer. I want people to know that breast cancer stage IV is not an immediate death sentence. Some do die quicker than others. Mine is more chronic as my cancer is indolent. I will still die of the disease unless I have an accident or a stroke, heart attack and etc. No one even stage IV is exempt from accidents or another illness. Chronic is no picnic either as I suffer from the side effects of many years of treatment.
It does amaze me to see the reaction of people in a world that information is very much available.
At some point, I would remind your husband that illness levels the playing field. No matter how macho or tough one is, pain doesn't understand any of those things. He might need and appreciate his mate by his side. Tell him, you expect and need support at times and want it. Make him understand what you are dealing with in a good moment.
Best wishes to you Lynn.
Doris
PS: I hope that lady whose husband died of melanoma understand that "The mills of the gods grind slowly but, they do grind on".0
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