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Why do people think you have to get rid of everything?

imjb73
Posts: 34
Joined: Jan 2011

People are driving me nuts!!!! I have had to have a couple things repaired already. My hubby has only been gone 3 weeks and people are looking around and saying you aren't going to use that you might as well get rid of it. That's like new you aren't going to use it. Don't have that installed go ahead and sell it this was a garage door opener he had one up but never got the other one up it is a 2 car garage and I have 2 cars duh!!!. Geez!!! If he were still here even with hospice visits they wouldn't think of saying anything like that. How on earth do they think saying stuff like that helps me in any way shape or form? The garden is a mess and personally I would like it mowed & gone but they seem to think I shouldn't do that. He would hate the condition it's in. I finally had to blow up at a friend the other day and tell her I didn't want anything in the bleepin garden and her response was that's what I wanted to hear get it out say what you feel. What I wanted was her to shut the hell up and leave me alone about the garden period. It was an issue for her peace of mind not mind she knew how he was about the garden but why couldn't she just leave me alone about it and not push the issue?
I do need to give credit to some people though that keep telling me to not decide about anything for at least a year. But there are also the usual if you need anything call, if there's anything i can do call. I can almost bet if I did they would be too busy or not be able to help with what I really needed help with.
Sorry, just having a really bad day and needed to vent a bit.

KateNTx
Posts: 39
Joined: May 2011

My Ric's been gone less than a week, and I'm already being told by "helpful" neighbors, not even close friends to sell his Trucks...WE HAVE A RANCH, does it not occur to them that for the last year, I'm the one driving the damn trucks and doing all the work?!?!? And, even if I weren't, my Ric loved his truck like a member of the family, the HELL I want to lose another "family member" right now, even a diesel guzzling, inanimate one. It's MINE, just like Ric was MY husband and this is MY LIFE, not some movie of the week that can be forgotten when the credits roll.
i love the "is there anything I can do" line...my usual answer is yes, resurrect my husband, healthy, if you can't do that, then, no not really anything you can do but leave me be so I can try to heal my way, oh, and try not to make me responsible for your feelings right now...my own are enough to f-ing take thx.
I had one friend, who sat with me as Ric died tell me she felt like I was pushing her away. I told her I just wasn't ready to see her with her (healthy) husband right now. We'd been married almost the exact same amount of time. Why can't people THINK?!
If I want to fix my husband's 79 pick up that hasn't run in a decade, well, it's kind of MY DAMN CHOICE, I'll be the one financially hurt if it is too expensive for me, I'll be the one to decide. Oh, and PUH-LEASE don't ask to borrow money from me right now, just because Ric made sure I was cared for. He left it for ME, not every damn person we know. He told me to do what I want with it, even if right now, that changes every 3 minutes.
Mow your garden if you want. It's yours now, and as my husband would say, if they don't like it, **** em and feed em fish heads. Do what works for you.
I'm going away for a while, Ric and I both always talked about travelling (we both travelled a LOT before we met) and I just don't want to deal with the local environment right now, so, I'm going back to the town we met in for the week until I can pick up his cremains. I need our old friends, our old home, and the chance to grieve where I'm emotionally supported, and not just viewed as the caretaker of the world. Our old friends only knew me when I was totally dependent on Ric, not as the caretaker, and will appreciate how much damn pain I'm in, and how much work it takes just to get through the day. F these idiots, I'm going the F home. I love our friends here, but they are just too NEEDY for me to deal with right now. At home, all they "need" from me is to share our pain, not to borrow my "extra" car. I'm mad as hell and i'm not going to take it and be nice anymore. Ric wouldn't WANT mee to, and I sure as hell don't WANT to, and frankly, I've had to do enough stuff I NEVER wanted to do the past year.
Vent away, and stop caring about their feelings, if they cared about yours, they'd have some damn tact.

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

Hi, my husband died in May- I did not lose him- he died :-) ( I so hate the words I am sorry for your loss!!)

You and Kate reflect what I have been through so perfectly- likely a lot more of the members here too from what little I have read of late.

I heard that it is said one third of people you know will be of help, one third negative and one third neutral. In my bereavement group we all agree those we thought would help- didn't. I have quickly realized the doers from the talkers about doing :-) oh and of the course the ones that don't care how it would leave *you*- but just could they have a b or c- you get my drift. And yes- I too have had the *you don't need*- please note the negative *don't* - In other words welcome to the world of widowhood.

My constant answer to most of the people who are not helpful is *I am doing nothing for a year*- works like a charm and off they disappear and for the most part it has been a good maxim three months down the line.Emotions are a roller coaster for some time.

I have *stubbornly* (to others) stuck to my guns refusing help to clear out Steve's personal belongings- that will be done in my time since he was my husband and they were not here for us during his illness so its particularly unwelcome to me.
Some are well meaning, some not so since they want things not mentioned in his will, so my blanket response covers all right now.

I also don't need one more Texan of my acquaintance (apologies to all the others) to begin a sentence *you need to......* I actually tell them now- when you begin the sentence with that phrase I have stopped listening. My dearest and most helpful friends would never dream of doing this of course, so it can be amusing watching someone set in their ways say *you.......* stop and reboot their brain and say *have you thought........? * Think of it as retraining the people around you, they will be glad you did as one day they may have to walk in your shoes. Like the cancer diagnosis itself you will soon see the really deep friendships bubble to the surface to help you towards the *new normal* I have been lucky at my group, at being warned this would happen and how to deal with it. so far so good!

best wishes and peace to you and Kate at this time

Lyndsey

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Grieving takes time and you have a right to do it your way and in your time. I did not begin dealing with my husband's many collections until more than a year after his death. I didn't need the money at that time and I just didn't want to deal with them for the first year. He died in Oct., 2009 and I just completed selling/giving them away in July. One of my granddaughters helped me and I gave her a percentage for her college fund. I had a friend clean the garage and hold a yard sale in April and May. She made sure that I looked over everything to be sure what could go and what couldn't. Part of the profits went to Relay for Life, a friend of hers battling stomach cancer, and her daughters fees, etc. to play in a soccer league. I know Doug would have approved. Don't rush into anything. If you have to tell people that they need to back off, do it firmly. These are your things now, and your decisions. Fay

terriskates
Posts: 11
Joined: Jul 2010

I've had a couple of guys at two different places ask or suggest a estate sale.
Um hello, my father just died, can my brother and I go through the process of grieving and settling his affairs first?
And yes... I'm staying in the house...Dad wanted it that way!! Don't ask me if I'm going to stay there or worse yet, tell me to sell the house...you will be told in certain unladylike terms to shut up!

micgrace
Posts: 131
Joined: May 2011

I actually had real estate agents knock and send letters suggesting a sale of my house. One word for them, ghouls.

terriskates
Posts: 11
Joined: Jul 2010

None of that has happened yet, but if it does, they will be told to get off my property and not call me again. Any further contact will result in a restraining order!

terriskates
Posts: 11
Joined: Jul 2010

I did get one form letter today- needless to say, it met the trash can. How do these folks get one's address anyway?

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

So sorry about your husband. I have not been able to get into the chat room and did not know your husband died. My condolences at this time of mourning and grief. Hope you come back to chat to talk to old CSN friends from time to time.
Shirley

txtrisha55's picture
txtrisha55
Posts: 424
Joined: Apr 2011

When my Mom died in 1992, everyone told us to go through everything and get rid of it. But the nurses from hospice said to wait. So we waited until we felt ready it was over a year before we did anything. We still have some things that we could not part with.

Most people do mean well but do not know what to say or how to act. Couple friends will also act differently towards you now they did my Mom and my Neighbor after the husband passed away. Women just do not know how to act because they think you may want their husbands. You have just lost a loved one and are not looking for another to replace him. Give yourself time to grieve.

Take your time in doing anything but if you feel like mowing over the garden do so especially if it helps get some of the anger out of your system about losing your husband. In time I would find a good place that have group grief counseling for people that had lost loved ones. Most churches or hospitals have them. You just need to find the right one for you.

I will say the old classic, Time heals, it doesn’t but it does make the pain a bit less. Sorry for your loss. Trish

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
Just wanted to tell you to take your time getting rid of stuff. My husband has been gone for 18 months and I still haven't gotten rid of all his clothes. It's just so hard to let go and feel that part of him is still there. My sons & grandson took some of his shirts & jeans. I still have his watches, glasses & other personal stuff. I also kept his wedding ring & wear it with mine on my right hand. This isn't stupid, it's just what we want to do. So please don't let anyone try to talk you into being in a rush.
Hope you're doing okay. "Carole"

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5717
Joined: Apr 2009

I understand where you are coming from. When my Mother died my aunt her sister was busy giving away everything my Mother had away, even to her washing machine. She got mad when we told her to Stop is was not hers to give away. She said well yall don’t need it anyway, not the point it was my mothers, we will do what needs to be done in our own time.

Hondo

imjb73
Posts: 34
Joined: Jan 2011

I want to thank everybody for letting me vent and understanding. I told everybody I wasn't ready to get rid of stuff yet.
If he were here I wouldn't be. It's not up to anybody else. I've had a couple people call and ask about certain items and I guess by my answers they get that I'm not doing it yet. So far the only thing I have done is found a home for the horses. That was hard we've had 1 for 14 years the other 6 or so. But that was what he wanted me to do. He said they were too much work for me and didn't want me to try to keep them. After they were gone a friend had the nerve to tell me she was pissed because I didn't tell her until they were gone. I said I really don't care I didn't want anybody here when they got picked up. I spend most of my time alone except for my dogs so I didn't need her here for that either.
Do people just like or expect us to fall apart? I do, I have melt downs daily but when I'm alone and that's how I want it.
I know too much time alone isn't good either but I am working on it.
My main focus right now is I have to get a new furnace. I've been getting estimates for a furnace and a new roof. When people ask about other stuff I just tell them The only thing I'm worried about right now are those 2 things. Seems to be working because I'm not hearing much now.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
Would you believe that my sister said to me after only 2 weeks when I was crying, "you should get over this & not cry". I was so hurt & shocked. No one knows until they go through losing the love of their life, how it hurts to be alone.
We had siding & a roof put on but both had a problem. Tom had started to follow up on it but never followed through. So my son helped me. I got the siding fixed & there was a class action suit on the shingles, so got a small settlement for that. But now I need to do something about the roof & am hoping maybe the place I'm dealing with again will give me a deal. It's so hard to be responsible for everything isn't it? My husband could fix everything and we never had to call a repairman. Now, I get upset everytime something breaks or needs attention. Let's not be afraid to ask for help if we need it. And be careful that whoever you get doesn't try to talk you into something you don't need. Is there anyone who can help you, I mean like a "man" who know what they're talking about???
Good luck. Keep us posted. "Carole"

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5717
Joined: Apr 2009

People just don’t realize how hurtful there words can be when it is not them feeling it. One of my Bosses at work told me what is your problem you don’t have cancer anymore so get with it. I was having a really bad day that day. The next week he had a tooth ache and could not come to work because it hurt too much. So I called him and said your not going to let one little tooth ache keep you from coming to work are you.

How different it is when they are telling us what we need to do but can’t do it themselves.

Keeping you in my prayers
Hondo

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5717
Joined: Apr 2009

Ops Double post

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5717
Joined: Apr 2009

Ops Double post

Geri1959
Posts: 37
Joined: Sep 2011

that is my motto do everything when I am ready and not a minit before TAKE YOUR TIME

love all the venting thanks my friends

ketziah35
Posts: 1145
Joined: Jun 2010

I sent a friend to this thread who has recently lost hos father. I have experienced grief with losing both of my grandmothers to cancer. My friend took some things out of context, so I would hope clarification is needed for those reading the thread literally. In my opinion, things that are soiled and could lead to hygiene and sanitation issues should be thrown out immediately; however I also read something that it could take a couple of years to be able to psychologically handle getting rid of some things. The article stated that after a couple of years, if you can't get rid of it, then counselling may be in order. In short if you don't need to sell something for the mobey or get rid of something becuz you need to move or need the space, take your time.

My friend's mom won't wash his father's clothes (urine stained, clean up the bathroom or empty the trash in hos father's room. She also will not let anyone else do it. This is a problem. He has been gone since July. They close the bedroom door, but they say the smell is horrendous.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I agree that some things require immediate removal. Hospice had the hospital bed removed and between my sons and me, we cleaned and laundered all the soiled clothes and linen. One thought though, sometimes it is nice to have a few things like a shirt or two that still have that persons scent. I have a poor sense of smell so it didn't work for me, but I have read that some find holding that clothing or even wearing it gives some peace at first. I'm not talking about urine soaked or soiled clothes, but something that retains a person's natural scent. Your friend's mom, however, sounds like she may need professional help for clinical depression. Keeping things that smell bad and may even be unhealthy to be around requires action. It has already gone on too long. Your friend needs to enlist the help of someone the mom respects. A pastor, doctor, or grief counselor comes to mind as a place to start. Fay

ketziah35
Posts: 1145
Joined: Jun 2010

ILve recommended. My friend is checking this thread. Maybe they will see that cleaning up is different from "throwing out". I agree that keeping something that has their cscent on it can be comforting as long as it is not soiled can be comforting.

Thanks

MomhasStage4EC's picture
MomhasStage4EC
Posts: 39
Joined: Jul 2011

I had the opposite OCD reaction to things, I needed anything to do with my moms illness removed immediatly from my home. It was too hard to look at. But many people had many suggestions on what items I should give to others. She wasnt married but she had a significant and I decided to give everything to that person. Many questioned me on that decision. Too bad not your choice to make it was mine and mine alone. Wether you are a widow or an only child like me, it sucks. There is no right and wrong in these things. But there sure are a lot of people who like to tell me otherwise. Its funny though how no one ever fights over paying those left over bills...or paying for the funeral arrangements. People can be so selfish!

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