I was attending my husbands funeral last Saturday at this time. I like many of you feel lost and broken.
I am bothered so much by the whys? Not because of the illness but our life in general. Is it normal to have feelings of guilt & regret? Mostly things we didn't make time for. Things we should have done.
He was such a great man and deserved so much more than he had. His coworkers honored him with a motorcade to drive the 30 miles or so for the viewing. I had no idea he was so well liked at work until now. It's almost like he lead a double life. He was such a hard worker and a quiet man but to hear them all talk about him I felt like I was married to a totally different person than they knew. I feel like I missed out knowing that person.
We had just had our 36th anniversary and part of me feels like I didn't know him at all. I am doing my best to be strong for all to see but I'm a total wreck when they aren't looking. Everything happened way too fast.
I just feel so lost and broken.
Joined: Aug 2009
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that words don't help, but I want you to know that you are not alone. How wonderful that your husband was so liked and respected. I, too, was blown away by the number of people who attended my hisband's memorial service. I knew he was a special guy, but even I didn't know how special. In answer to your questions, yes, we all experience the woulda, coulda, shoulda thoughts. Your grief is still new and, believe me, it takes a lot of time before we begin to move past the huge ache we feel in our hearts. My husband will have been gone two years this October. I am still dealing with my grief and have accepted that I will never " get over it." The ache will always be there, but in time it does soften. in time, we begin to get through some days without tears. That doesn't mean that tears don't still come. Sometimes we don't even know why. I still have bad days, but they are less often. Right now you are probably experiencing some numbness and even what one book called the fog of grief. All of that is perfectly normal in our far from normal world. I hope you have family and friends you can turn to for support. Consider joining a support group or getting grief counseling. Our ride is bumpy. Grief is a process and takes time. Give yourself that time and permission to take whatever time you need. Take care, Fay