How is it possible to cry everyday?

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Lisa13Q
Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
edited August 2011 in Ovarian Cancer #1
I woke up today and was just doing fine....then....boom......I realize.....oh yeah....she's gone.....it seems so unfair how she had to go........i feel selfish....kids are hungry.....people have no homes, and I am crying because my mother, who was 78, died from this dreaded disease.......that guilt I have over being upset over my mother has to stop....her death has had a profound impact on me....what I haven't shared here is that my FIL died 10 days ago from cancer of unknown origin....it's like we lived it again....I am so sorry for all of us here, caretakers and patients, it is a hard road.....I guess those who have never been here have their roads as well, this one seems particularly crappy.....yes, crappy, i can say that because literally there is that crappy stuff with this disease....thanks for listening and my compassion to all here who live with this beast....I hate it.....I think I would have coped better had it not been OVCA....someything about this one seems soo particularly nasty....sorry for the whining....im feeling sorry for myself today....Oh Yeah PS: I will NEVER BUY A COACH ANYTHING AGAIN>>>>

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  • mom2greatkids
    mom2greatkids Member Posts: 528
    #2
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    You are grieving, and that
    You are grieving, and that is perfectly normal and healthy. Guilt and anger are phases of grief. Get it out! I lost my Mom to non-hodgkins lymphoma in Feb. 2008 at age 65. I lost my husband in April 2010 to a massive heart attack at age 52. Now I am battling this stupid disease myself. You are entitled to grieve! God gave us grief. He gave us tears. I still cry about my Mom nearly 3 1/2 yrs. later. It's okay. Some days I am so angry I don't know what to do. Then other days I am weepy all day. It's okay to have our emotions.

    I'm also learning that it's okay to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. It's when we continue in it long term that it can be harmful to us. Go ahead and whine and vent! I'll be praying for you Lisa.

    Carla
  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    #3
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    I'm sorry
    Lisa. So sorry.. yes it's crappy all right. It's been 2 yrs but I still think about my mom every day. I wake up feeling all is right with the world, then I remember.. she's gone.. how can she be gone? It still doesn't seem real... Sometimes I'll think... Oh mama.. why, why you, why cancer, why stage IV..I have blue moods and dark moments that are not charitable or kind. I see spry, old ladies in the grocery store with their sneakers and dungarees on and I want to push them into the frozen food cases..when my mom was going thru cancer, I used to think.. why, why not one of my Aunts instead.. Yes I actually felt that way. I am not proud of myself. In January, I was at party and saw an old grade school pal. Not only is her life perfect in comparison to mine, she has both of her parents and they are both in great health. ... I practically started salivating.. I hated her that night.. just for a few moments, but I hated her nonetheless. You are normal. Grief is anger and whining and throwing and pouting and crying and being mad at God and fate and the world. It's shouting no fair and why.. it's a wound that heals very, very slowly and I suspect leaves a scar permanently behind. But our moms wouldn't want us to be sad and if they were still here, they'd probably kick our butts... Hang in there and let yourself grieve.
    Big hugs,
    Cindy
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #4
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    You're not whining, it's downright painful
    to lose your mother to any disease and at any age. My Mom is gone more than 20 years now and I still miss her. My husband recently lost his Mom, she was 95 and even though he knows how lucky he was to have her around that long, it doesn't make it easier. I can tell you that it will get better. There will be a time when you think of your Mom and thoughts other than OVCA will be foremost in your mind. In the meantime, be good to yourself.
    ((((HUGS)))) Maria
  • cfont11
    cfont11 Member Posts: 115
    #5
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    Grieving
    I lost my Mom in 2004 to kidney disease and COPD. I always asked why her, she is such a good person. I went through the same emotions you are going through and it is OK to feel the way you feel. I am now battling ovca and i miss my mother so much. I wish she were here to talk to but I do talk to her every night. There are no answers for why this happens to some and not others. You will get through the grieving although you never stop missing your mom, no matter how old you get. If she fought cancer I bet she was a strong, determined woman and she would want you to remember her and all the good times before the cancer. I am so sorry you have to go through this and I am sending prayers your way.

    Chris
  • jloe
    jloe Member Posts: 174
    #6
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    I cried too!
    Lisa,
    I cried every day and just never thought I could stop. I loved my mother so much and she loved me more! She died of lung cancer at the age of 66 in 2004. I cried every day and just did not know how to stop. Then in Aug of 2006(2 yrs later) I was dx of OVCA. I never told this to anyone but the first thing that I thought was, thank god my mom is not here to see this! My husband said to me “Your mother would handle this better than you would expect & she was tough”. My mother wanted me to have it better than she had it growing up and always made sure of that. OXOX Joni

    I
  • stella65
    stella65 Member Posts: 152
    #7
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    Let it out!
    I have just "Let it out"! I read your post Lisa and felt your pain, I have found myself very emotional since mum had her hosp appt last friday, news was good really except her CA125 had gone up a bit, doc hates the test and told her she didn't want to do anymore but just focus on how mum is doing, I just feel so bad because I know it really upset mum and she is thinking it's a slippery slope, I don't know how I will deal with it when she does get bad or when we lose her, I am sobbing as I type but your post has made me let it out, I have been trying to keep it all inside, bless you sweetheart..... crying is good,you feel better for it! X
  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #8
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    stella65 said:

    Let it out!
    I have just "Let it out"! I read your post Lisa and felt your pain, I have found myself very emotional since mum had her hosp appt last friday, news was good really except her CA125 had gone up a bit, doc hates the test and told her she didn't want to do anymore but just focus on how mum is doing, I just feel so bad because I know it really upset mum and she is thinking it's a slippery slope, I don't know how I will deal with it when she does get bad or when we lose her, I am sobbing as I type but your post has made me let it out, I have been trying to keep it all inside, bless you sweetheart..... crying is good,you feel better for it! X

    Its okay
    to feel all these feelings, Lisa. I grieved for months over the breakup of my 27 year relationship. I think my friends and family thought I would never recover. What I learned and promised myself I would tell anyone grieving any loss is: talk about it as much and for as long as you need to and cry as much and for as long as you need to. Everybody is different. Some people never cry, I happen to think that is weird because I am a cryer but people should be allowed to deal with grief in any way they need to. There is no right or wrong. If you need to speak to someone, that is okay too. I went to a therapist who helped me get through my grief. I am glad you come to us for help; there are so many wonderful ladies on this board who have so much life experience. We are like a family.

    Karen
  • poopergirl14052
    poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
    #9
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    kikz said:

    Its okay
    to feel all these feelings, Lisa. I grieved for months over the breakup of my 27 year relationship. I think my friends and family thought I would never recover. What I learned and promised myself I would tell anyone grieving any loss is: talk about it as much and for as long as you need to and cry as much and for as long as you need to. Everybody is different. Some people never cry, I happen to think that is weird because I am a cryer but people should be allowed to deal with grief in any way they need to. There is no right or wrong. If you need to speak to someone, that is okay too. I went to a therapist who helped me get through my grief. I am glad you come to us for help; there are so many wonderful ladies on this board who have so much life experience. We are like a family.

    Karen

    You are not selfish
    and there is not a mean bone in your body!!!. Yes people have problems, but your just lost your best friend and the pain is still very real. Yes it is possible to cry everyday and sometimes two or three times a day. I lost my sister to colon cancer and I still cry for her as I hear a song she liked or looking at a picture of her. One night I was at Disney in Florida and fireworks were the show for that evening and everyone was looking up at the sky. I stared beyonf the clouds to the stars and I starting balling my eyes out. People around me thought I was nuts, family knew I was still in pain. My sisters name means butterfly and I found a paper cut-out of a butterfly that same night, I feel it was for me from sis to feel better and I still have this butterfly in my purse to this very day. Look for signs that you can feel that your mom is near you. I do believe in angels..val
  • kayandok
    kayandok Member Posts: 1,202 Member
    #10
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    Dear Lisa,
    thanks for sharing. You cry as much as you need/want! And please don't call it a pitty party or whining!!! You have lost the pecisous mom that brought you into the world, and this is not a small thing.

    Coach was your mom's favorite bag?

    Gentle hugs,
    kathleen

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