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Am I normal?

susankay
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2011

My mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer on 1/31/11. By the time it was found it had already MET to the brain, bones, and liver. She passed away on 4/15/11, just a mere 10 weeks after her diagnosis and 8 weeks to the day before my wedding. Now that I am approaching the four month mark I seem to be feeling worse rather that better. The Hospice where my Mom spend her last couple of days does offer free therapy sessions for up to a year after the date of death, but I can't seem to pick up the phone to call. Am I normal? Any comments or suggestions would be so very helpful. Much Love...Susan Kay

Cindy Bear
Posts: 563
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. Yes you are perfectly normal.. in fact, I could have written this post.. I lost my mother in June 09, 4 mos. after finding out she had stage IV uterine cancer , 4 mos. into treatment or as I like to call it "Cheatment" long story, lots of anger with drs. and level of medical care she received.. she should have been diag. much sooner but due to her age, everything was written off as old age, arthritis etc. (she was 79) Anyhow, I've been up and down, good days and bad. Someone told me one time, it takes about 2 yrs to come with terms with this sort of loss.. I don't know that we ever truly get over it, but at least learn to deal with it. It's been a little over 2 yrs for me, and though I'm doing pretty well, I still have those blue moods, those dark moments. Where I can't accept the fact she's gone, I can't understand why her, why cancer, why not so and so's mother who is 90.. not logical or fair I know, but it is what it is. A good friend who was diag. with breast cancer a few years ago and is doing well, belonged to a therapy group and invited me to go. I was tempted but never went. I think being with others would help immensely, but would also open the floodgates that I've kept closed for so long. Coming here has helped me greatly. Give yourself time and be patient.
Big Hugs,
Cindy

susankay
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2011

Thank you so much for your reply Cindy Bear. So sorry to hear about your loss as well. I know exactly what you are saying as far as "opening the flood gates." I find it much easier to come here and vent to complete strangers rather than talk to one face to face about my emotions. Much like you I am sure, I have always been the "strong one", the person that others would come to in a time of need and listen. Now that I am the one in despair I am having a difficult time opening up and becoming the person in need; opposed to the person who is needed. Everyday is a journey. Thank you for your encouraging words. Take Care, Susan Kay

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

Hi Susan

I think any feeling is normal and okay.
I experienced the same feelings after my spouse died and I did attend a "Bereavement Group" for 3 months. It did help me in the context I did not feel alone in my grief and that there were others who were hurting as I was.

You might want to explore some level of support in a group or individual setting when YOU feel ready to do so.

Take care

David

susankay
Posts: 5
Joined: Aug 2011

Thanks for the advice David. I know eventualy I will seek help, just not sure that I am ready. I just hope I will know when I am ready!! I am sure like most things the rule applies, "when you know you know". Thanks again.

CarolinaAlice
Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi Susan Kay

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your Mother and your struggle with grief. I can tell you that "time" doesn't really matter a lot and that you truly learn what taking one day at a time means. I lost my husband of 38 years last year after a 4 month bout with cancer. He was the picture of health so we were taken completely by surprise.

I am a very private person and I, like you, was hesitant to join a support group. But I did and it was the best action I took toward healing. It was so much help to be with others going through the same thing. Mostly ladies, we all established a wonderful bond. We call to check on each other and still get together. I am sure not all groups are the same but I know you don't have anything to lose by trying. This discusion group did help a lot too!

It has been over a year for me and there are still a lot of ups and downs. Please take care of yourself and I hope you will move along toward healing.

jenene
Posts: 40
Joined: Oct 2010

I am approaching the 6 month mark of my husbands death. He had stage IV stomach cancer. Tomorrow is our anniversary, he was only 38 when he died. I thought I was invincible and everything was fine but lately I am just falling apart. I actually am seeing somone from hospice tomorrow which I hope will help. I started off fine but it seems as time goes by it gets harder and harder. reality has finally set in for me I think and it just sucks

CarolinaAlice
Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi Jenene
You are so right. It just sucks! Everything about cancer and its consequences sucks. As you can see from my previous post, my husband passed away a little over a year ago. Many times you think the struggle is subsiding but then here it comes again. I think when you are very tired the grief seems to creep up on you. If you can recognize it, it helps. Even after a year those bad days still come, but not as often. I am beginning to find some joy here and there and it's pretty refreshing. I hope you made it through your day OK.

My funeral home offered a bereavement group which turned out to be a great help. I hope your hospice has a group you could join or know of one. We sat in a living room setting with a fireplace and cried, laughed and shared together. We found ourselves helping each other as much as being there for our own needs. Take care, I know you are going to be OK.

Alice

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