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Feeling alone and scared

bellaFFL
Posts: 16
Joined: Aug 2011

I am a younger woman battling stage 4 metastatic liver cancer. I have two small children, and an amazing man who has been incredibly supportive since my diagnosis. However, I still can't shake this feeling of fright that my cancer is going to drive a wedge between me and the ones I love. I'm scared of so many different things - mostly because I feel like I'm a huge burden, that I'm not of much use to anyone anymore, and that when I do get angry or depressed, that I am driving those closest to me away. I'm even afraid of my significant other leaving me because of the cancer - I know it's irrational, but the constant fear is still there. Is there anyone out there, especially those of you that are younger, that shares these same fears? How do you wake up every morning and find the strength and renewal to push through those thoughts and anxieties?

Thanks!

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

You aren't alone, let me first say that and all the things you are talking about are fears that rip through our minds after a cancer diagnosis, in some manner or another. So don't feel alone cause you aren't. You have made a good decision coming to this site for support, only those who have been there with cancer can really understand what you are going through and I'm sure many will weigh in on how you feel.

I had ups and downs with relationships but looking back I think it was more me than anyone else, feeling that I was a burden when if the roles were reversed I would most certainly have been there for any of my loved ones. We aren't used to leaning on people as much as we might have to during the cancer journey but rest assured that allt hose who love you and people on this site are more than happy to be there for you - don't worry yourself about that.

What you need to do is focus on getting better. You need to LET OTHERS HELP YOU. Don't turn down offers or help of any kind, take it. You will need the rest plus you are allowing others to help you because many of them feel helpless in giving you anything that might help so let them do things for you. It's not a burden to them at all.

You are very lucky to have a spouse who cares as yours does and I'm sure he is more than willing to carry more of the load til you are on your feet fully again.

I had two small children too when I was diagnosed at 39, that was 25 years ago and here I sit. You can do that too. Fight for your children by taking care of yourself and put the rest of the issues on the back burner and focus on your treatments and possibly meditation to destress and visualization if you are into that kind of thing.

I wish you all the best.

Blessings,

Bluerose

palmyrafan's picture
palmyrafan
Posts: 398
Joined: Mar 2011

I agree with what Blue said. What you are experiencing is NORMAL. We, the patients, go through all the different stages, including, Grief, Anger, Denial, Fear, Acceptance, etc. and some of them more than once.

I was diagnosed at 32 with brain tumors that were supposed to be benign. Well, some of them were but they are in malignant areas. I have beaten the odds when I shouldn't have and my brain tumors have been upgraded to brain cancer, but here I am.

I have bad days too, where sometimes I think, I just can't do this anymore. I get upset for no reason and sometimes even take it out on my wonderful husband who just looks at me, smiles and says, "having a bad hair day, honey?". And I just laugh because I realize that I could have it much worse. My Faith is what gets me through. I asked God to make this manageable and He has been Faithful in His reply. Silly me, I didn't ask Him to fix it or cure it, just to make it manageable and it has been that.

As for your significant other? TRUST that the person will continue to love you enough to stay by your side. And if it becomes to much for them and they decide they need to leave? That is on them, not a reflection of you. You are doing the best you can with what you have been handed and with the tools and skills you have available. Don't take ownership of someone else's feelings and emotions, because you have no control over them. As my husband likes to remind me, "You (meaning me) were drafted, but I enlisted". And he keeps re-enlisting every time a new test or procedure or new specialist is needed.

I hope you find the Peace you are looking for.

Teresa

bellaFFL
Posts: 16
Joined: Aug 2011

BlueRose and Teresa,

Thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt replies. I have tears in my eyes, because that was exactly what I needed to hear. It is so comforting to know that there are others that have all of these same emotions, fears, and questions. I have just been taking it day by day, and some days are just worse than others.

Teresa, you are right, I can only take ownership over my own feelings and actions, not those of others, and it helps to know that I'm not the only one who has "bad hair days" :)

Thank you again to both of you for your words, and inspiration. I send much love and positive thoughts back to both of you as well!

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