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When Does The Hurting Stop?

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi Everyone:

I thought I was doing great. Of course I had some sad days. I've avoided this board because I guess I just didn't want to be reminded of my own grief. I know I let some of you down by not supporting you. I'm really sorry about that.

It's been almost 6 months since my husband passed and 7 months since my sister passed. Today I just had a meltdown. I guess all this time I've been running at 100 miles an hour getting so many things done just to block my feelings. I was just running away from them. Everyone was so amazed how well I handled things. Well I guess it's just all caught up with me. I've tried to be a rock for the kids (adults with families of their own) and my Mom who thinks everything is all about her (she's 87 and I think dementia is starting to set in). I've been trying to get the house painted and fixed up in case I have to sell it or just want to sell it. We have only been here seven years. I don't have any really great memories here but I do have friends (all widows) who have helped me through so far.

I just can't seem to think straight and I have to because I am left with a business to run. It's only a small home based business but it's the only income besides social security I have so I have to keep the customers happy and keep up with orders and shipping. Every day I sit in front of the computer and it should be so simple but it seems overwhelming and I'm so tired.

Even now I'm just babbling on and on. At first I lost weight but now I'm putting more back on. Ice cream is the only thing that truly makes me feel good. I don't have it in the house but that doesn't stop me from getting it elsewhere.

I know there are different stages of grief we all must go through but it SUCKS! I just want the hurting to stop. I could ask the doctor about upping my Prozac but that will put me in a fog and I think I have to have these feelings before I can move on.

Can anyone tell me how they have coped with their feelings this far down the road after they've lost someone?

Thanks,

Skipper

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

It will probably always bring a "pang", a "twitch", a "....". I don't believe we will ever "not feel" the loss. But, after over six months I am now able to cry, sob and grieve, and after a while I can blow my nose and dry my eyes. Can you ever imagine feeling or thinking that you are "blessed" because of what you went through, what your loved one went through?

Difficult to imagine, I know, but all the same, lately I've begun to see and feel the gift I have been given. I KNOW I'm stronger than ever before, even though I still miss, I still cry. I am capable of things I never imagined I would be! Even though I wish my love was still here to do or help with those things.

In his dying, I saw, first-hand what it means. I saw how important it was that he tell us all what we meant to him. I saw, first-hand what it is to surrender to a will greater than ours. I saw first-hand peace in that surrender.

Kept busy, very. Avoided grief at times, yes. Wondering how the finances will come together, everyday. Wondered how the rest of my life will play out, constantly. Tried to be there to comfort my adult children, of course. Had my feelings hurt, yep. Hurt others feelings, ditto. You know, for the exception of my love being gone, the rest pretty much looks like everyday life!

Did you guys ever say that the kid's didn't come with owner's manuals or instructions? Well, I know that the loss of one's love did not come with either! You are here, that is what is important.

You have my continued prayers and best wishes.

Lucy

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Skipper,
I lost my husband Bob just short of one year of his diagnosis of melanoma. I feel like our battle was quick and dirty... As far as this grieving goes? It just sucks... He is with me everywhere I go no matter where I am... Home, work or just trying to get lost in shopping. So it doesn't matter where I run to I can't escape my connection or my emotions to him. The pain remains. I guess that should tell me something?

Lucy - sounds like time works in our favor... I wished you were my neighbor, I certainly could use a friend like you who understands where I am coming from. I write a lot, try to process my feelings, try to understand the grieving process because I know my husband well enough that he did not pity himself during his illness. He would not want to see me fall apart because of him, he would pick up his boot straps and move on with life. Easy? No...

Everytime I hear a motorcycle on the rode it moves the sound physically moves through my body and takes me right back to him... and his love. I will forever miss him.

Skipper - we are in this boat together. My support comes from this place, from the experience of all others on this path. May we on day find peace in our souls once again.

Deb
redesign08.blogspot.com

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hey you have every right to have a meltdown. Losing your husband & sister in a few months had to be so hard for you. My husband, Tom, died 15 months ago and I still occasionally break down and cry. We were married for 46 years and I felt like I would never even be able to laugh again. But as time goes on, it does get better. Stopped my meds & seeing my counselor after 10 months. Now, I just depend on my 3 kids & their families & all my friends to help me through this. So far, our best friends have still included me in doing things. Seems weird being alone, but have to keep living cause I know Tom would want me to.
I never worked and was so worried about money but so far have been okay. Our house was paid for & so were our cars so that helped alot. It's just scarey being alone. I keep thinking what if something happens to me when I'm home alone. Who will take care of me? I guess we just have to move on & take one day at a time. And if we feel the tears starting to flow, let them!! Please take care Skipper! Carole

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry for your losses. it's so difficult. I lost my mother in June 09 to uterine cancer, 4 mos. after being diagnosed, 4 mos. into treatment... I lost my FIL last year to a sudden massive heart attack and My BIl to esoph. cancer. I've been told that it takes 2 yrs to come to terms with this kind of grief. Please be patient and give yourself time. I just passed the 2 yr mark with my mom's passing.. and honestly, it has gotten better but there are still dark moments and days. In fact, after doing so well, I had one of those days this past week.. Just a feeling of intense sadness and emptiness... a sense of loss.. and rage... why why why? Why her? Why not anybody else's mother but mine.. then guilt and shame for feeling that way... then it subsides...until the next time. Grief is quite a process .. yes we must all go thru it. Give yourself time, keep moving and breathing and doing.. that's my advice. You're not alone.
hugs,
Cindy

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