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Relatives... who knew?

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Let's see... I got to get a handle on this or this will drive me crazy and I will do something I will regret later. I can't be the only one going through this.

Some of you will remember my husband is a "Harley" rider... we took summer vacations on the rode, the most exciting one was "Sturgis" in South Dakota, the biggest daddy of the them all. I call my husband's bike the "Mistress", she is maroon, a 2004 FatBoy, my husband's pride and joy.

Since my husband's passing (May 27th) there has not been one visit from family that the subject of the bike has not come up... "are you going to sell that bike?" and how are you holding up? or... "I know someone who might be interested in buying Bob's harley", and are you doing OK? or... "you know you could put a lowering kit on that bike for yourself and learn to ride it", and how's work going for you? or... "how long do you think you will keep that bike?", I hope you are taking care of yourself...

The family just can't stand it... they can't stand the thought of this bike just sitting in our garage all covered up without a rider.

Well, I can't stand it either. And between you and me? It won't be one of them getting that bike either.

Not sure what I am going to do but Bob certainly didn't let any of them ride it before he died it certainly won't happen now after he died.

I am feeling the walls close in around me in lots of different directions, emotionally and through family just waiting and watching my every move...

Am I crazy? Grieving sucks.

Peace to all.
Deb
redesign08.blogspot.com

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Deb, everybody who's fixating on Bob's bike needs to get outta town. It represents him and some folks need a piece of that, but you need it more. Why not hold onto it for a while? Just say you're keeping it for now, you need it for you. You'll know when it's time to let go.

I live on a stretch of the Blue Ridge Parkway that's biker heaven. You may need wheels for it someday.

UKLady's picture
UKLady
Posts: 85
Joined: Jan 2011

Hi Deb,

I have had the exact same problem since Steve's passing which you know was just a couple days before Bob on 24th May.And unless we are *both* crazy, I would say it is not us having the problem.......

Steve had this amazing collection of Vinyl albums, some times he would buy two editions, one for playing and one for investment in the future.Hundreds of Albums 60, 70's and 80's and thousands of cd's. Music was his hobby. We were going to sell the vinyl even though we used it every Saturday evening-nice in the winter before a log fire with a glass of wine btw :-) just to prevent upcoming *problems* but the project was too huge to contemplate with cataloging etc. and time ran out for us anyway. And bottom line, it has sentimental attachment for me too, after so many years living with it and watching Steve enjoy his hobby but nobody seems even to consider that. Has to be the same for you and Bob's Harley.It is a part of your life as well as his.

In the end I unpacked the collection to their shelves again and thought come winter I shall keep up our tradition, and that opened the floodgates for so called *sentimental* requests from the now infamously absent family who only came on one evening to tick their box.Trust me, it was a farce for a while just moving the multi boxed collection around the house out of sight, when certain people came around as things would go *missing*.

Did Bob belong to a club? Maybe you have a trusted friend who can store the Harley for a bit-where you can access it at any time but will put a stop to what I call *scouting*. The best decision I made was *do nothing* for a month, now each time I get a roundabout request for the collection (and sentimentality has nothing to do with their request-its very valuable) I just tell them to put it in writing and address it to the probate judge who will consider their request since it is not passing to them in the will. The phone is blissfully silent now...........;-)

I have a friend whose brothers' Harley is in similar discussion with family regardless of his brothers' true wishes- same technique worked for him as well. The words *probate* and *judge* seem to work rather nicely without giving offense, placing the subject in a neutral place and takes the heat off you without you having to be impolite :-)

As our Hospice Nurse said to me near the end of Steve's journey, *pack everything sentimental up and welcome to the world of vultures* I was shocked at what she said, turned out to be the truth though!

Peace from my home to yours Deb

Lyndsey

sue5749
Posts: 170
Joined: Dec 2010

I sure do understand how you feel. My husband has cancer of the throat, He loved riding his harley. But since his cancer, he decided to sell it. Now he is trying to sell his 78 corvette pace car. He saids that he doesn't want me to have to sell everything. I do not like him selling all of HIS stuff, but this is what he wants to do. So sad. Trying to keep the faith. But it is so hard at times. Sue

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 128
Joined: Nov 2010

As a Biker myself might i add a sugesttion. My "Sporty" or any other Harley to me represents freedom. Riding down the highway unaware of my stresses(or bills or anything troubleing at the moment)I breathdeep the refreshing air the wind so graciously bestowed upon my face. My soul is rejuvinated absorbing the vitamins from the rays of sunshine seaping through the poures of my tattooed skin and my eyes feel as if they are being opened for the first time trying to comprehend the beauty of nature that surrounds me in every direction. Im sure your husband felt the same way, the term cancer probley had no meaning as if it were undefined or made-up as he hit the highway with his ol'lady wathcing his back; relying on mutual trust to provide an eguall sence of sucurity. i gave my bike up for my mom cause treatment and cancer plus household bills dont allow luxaries. but unfountiantly she passed allowing my to start saving up to builed me another one. i would choose her over a bike anyday just to have her back. Sorry, got caught up thinking about the wind. My suggestion was if the money from selling the bike is not vital to sustaning needed funds, why not donate it to another cancer paitient who will ride it and will pass it on when that person takes the last ride to the great paradice city. the sence of being one with nature like an american bald eagle taking flight without fear knowing it is protected by the defenders of endanged speices is something those who have lost so much deserve to experice a solace understanding of oneself. if it sounds like something you might want to do try the make a wish foundation or let me know and i will do my best to get you in contact with a suiteable foundation who will not simply auction it off for meaningless colored paper that holds greed and not hope

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