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What do I feel about my mom's death?

D_W_P
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2011

Yesterday morning my mom died of cancer and she's gone forever. 4 months ago we started on a journey of hope and yesterday it ended just like that with death. I don't feel like crying and I feel a bit relieved from what, I don't know. In fact, I even got a good night of sleep last night.

Some of the time I feel that through death, my mom was able to finally step away from hurt, anger and pain not just from the cancer but everything that happened to her in her lifetime. Her soul has been freed. She's free. It brings me happiness. I hope that she gets a beautiful happy life in her next life. This is just how I see it and this is how I find hope for myself and her.

We fought as she fought even though she was so tired to the last day when I took her to the hospital per her request. In less than one week my mom left her mortal body. I cried, but not like my aunts who were hysterical. Later in the day, we were making jokes and laughing. We talked about my mom and all her funniness and silliness.

My mom and our family went through a lot. Making difficult decisions for her is something we all struggle with. Did we help her or did we make things worse? Some days we even fought with her to keep going forward to life rather than death. Did we do her justice?

Am I in shock or anger or disbelief? Is it ok to laugh on the day she died? Should I remain solemn?

I feel like everything happened so fast in her last day. Were we coping properly? I feel like there should have been more...something more meaningful...last words...a last hug from her. Did we make amends? Did she forgive me? Did she even love us? We had all kind of just fallen asleep at the time she past away. We had been awake for most of the night. Is she mad at us for not being by her side in her last breath? My aunts were there to see her take her last breath.

I love my mom and of course we really, really wanted her to get better and she didn't. I talked to my brothers and everyday I've been convincing myself that I have come to terms to accept that my mom though she was fighting, she was dying quickly. She didn't want to fight any more. She was never up for the fight.

I mean it was really upsetting yesterday when the mortuary people came to pick her up to take her away from her home forever. She would never come back. It is just her mortal body and her soul that has now been freed are two different things, but still our mom is gone.

Does anyone relate?

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

OOPS!

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

You are logically verbalizing everything that has happened and you are questioning if your feelings right now are appropriate? Yes,they are, because, you are still in shock. You will come to the moment of grief that wretches those feelings you are keeping inside, out. You may even want to contact those who go through this together, like a grief group. Grief is a process. And you are trying to go straight to acceptance without going through all the other stages. It is healthy to have: ( 1. Blame and Anger (2. Denial and Isolation (3. Bargaining (4. Guilt (5. and finally Acceptance. And these stages are fluid and one takes over the other , back and forth, until you will finally see some resolve. But, it is too soon to have gone through all of this now. Don't worry about what is appropriate right now, because all of this is appropriate and there are no rules about what you should be feeling. But, DO feel. It's cathartic and necessary. May God bless you and your family in this time of pain.
Shirley

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

Again sorry for duplicate post

LeeandShirley's picture
LeeandShirley
Posts: 122
Joined: Apr 2011

Sorry this posted too many times

Angel322
Posts: 26
Joined: Mar 2011

My heart goes out to you more than I can tell you, DWP. I am so sorry as I know your pain and emptiness. I lost my Mom one year ago this Father's day and I've never been the same since and never will be the same again. My Mother died in my arms at home. I am glad I got to be with her, but it was so hard and I carry what she went through with me each day. She took a part of me with her when she left. I, too, watched the funeral home come to get my Mother from our home of almost 49yrs. I was sick and so angry that this is how my Mother had to go? Its so unfair. This is not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to see my Mother grow old. As I watched the hearse drive away taking my Mother, I screamed and cried for her!! My Mother would never come home again. My family was broken. I would be a Motherless daughter forever.

Losing a Mother is one of the hardest things for a child to ever go through no matter what age...and it is so life changing. The pain is neverending. You will never get over the loss of your Mother. She gave you life, she fed you, bathed you, and the one that comforted you when you were hurt, the one that loved you unconditionally. There is NO ONE like your Mother. Please don't be hard on yourself and allow yourself to grieve your Mother in your own way...for as long as you need to...and do not allow anyone to tell you how to feel. There is no wrong way to grieve your Mother. I grieve each day and feel so lost without my Mom, she was my best friend, my biggest fan in the world! There is a hole in my heart and an emptiness in my life that no one can fix/fill. No one will ever take her place. I go to the cemetery everyday to visit my Mom because that is the only way I can spend time with her now. We use to be together everyday. Its so unfair. I don't think I will ever like this world the same way I did when I had my Mother. She was taken from me too soon. I will never see her grow old, all of my dreams are shattered. I don't know who I am without my Mom? It was always the two of us...and now I have to get use to it being just "me". Its a struggle everyday, I'm trying to find myself, where I belong now. Its not easy and you will find yourself feeling so many emotions that you never knew existed. Its very overwhelming. Grieving is a long, neverending journey. We will just learn to cope without our Mothers because we have no other choice but there will always be this deep sadness and pain that we carry forever, til the day we meet them again.

All the questions you are asking yourself and feelings of anger, sadness, disbelief, dispair, confusion etc etc are very normal. I always question things to this day and always wonder WHY it had to be her, my best friend and beautiful Mother. Why she had to get this terrible disease and leave me? How can I live in this world without her? No one will ever love me like she did. I feel so alone at times and just want to die and be with her. Your Mother loved you and your family so much, don't ever question that. Her body just couldn't take anymore. If she could've kept fighting, she would have if she could. This disease is horrible and has ruined your life and mine by taking our Mom's.

My heart and soul goes out to you and your family. Your family will never be the same. Please try to take care of yourself as best as you can, I know its easier said than done. I didn't eat and sleep for days...and still have trouble with both one year later...take one step at a time and know that someone out there (me) is feeling your pain and crying for you, too...because the pain you're feeling, I'm feeling, too, and I don't wish it upon anyone.

Please write me, if you need a friend. Sincerely, Paula

missdixie
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2012

My heart breaks for all of you. Thanks for posting your feelings, as it really helped me tonight.
My mother has been battling ovarian cancer for just over two years, and is now in the hospital getting worse and worse.
I honestly thought when I took her in last friday, (at her request), that we would be out by now... Instead, I am terrified that she won't be discharged. She has been nauseous and refusing food for a couple of weeks now. I had her on ensures, but she would only have one or two sips. She would have a craving, which seemed encouraging, but when I would prepare food for her, she would refuse it, sometimes angrily, which sort of made me angry. I want her to live! Why won't she help herself? because she can't. She is in pain. And I feel so helpless. I just turned 37 last week, (she is 68), and had my birthday in the hospital at her bedside. I ordered in flowers and brought a cupcake with a candle, but it was bittersweet. She seemed ok that day, promising to make it up to me. She kept saying she would make the shitty birthday up to me. But only two short days later, she is so much sicker. Today she was so drugged up she didn't know me at first, which was terrifying. She is moaning and groaning in pain, and has a lot of anxiety. It both helps and hurts to talk to friends and family. I am all alone, not married, her only child, and she is widowed. So, when I call friends, or her friends, they are in denial, they haven't seen what I've seen, and they simply do not realize the severity of the situation. It is frustrating. And I feel like I should do more - even though she has 24 hour care right now. I went out today and brought her soup and a sandwich, popsicles, etc, and she wouldn't eat a bite. She got mad at me for even suggesting it. NO SOUP! she yelled at me. I read all about "what dying people want" is to be touched. So, I went out and bought some scentless cream and tried to give her a hand / leg massage, "don't touch me!" she yelled. So, I don't know what to do. i simply don't know what to do, but sit there and play words with friends, and feel like a jerk. Again, it really helped me to read all of your posts, because you seem to all be feeling what I am feeling - like nobody gets it. Well, I get it. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer five years ago, and was with him when he passed. I feel like this is my dad all over again. Who loses two parents to cancer in their 60's? what is that? and it wasn't environmental, because they lived in different countries! so, I find myself asking god, "why me?" a lot. Like, What did I do karmically to deserve this? I also feel like I could be sick a lot - which I hear is common. Like, should I be getting scans? ultrasounds? what if I get cancer? That is a big one for me. So, I am living minute by minute right now, not knowing how long she will be alive. This all sounds very very selfish. I must finish this blog by saying, that like the other post - my mother is my best friend, my biggest supporter, and number one fan. She has always made me feel extremely loved an special. I am going to be beyond lost without her. I feel like I have failed her in so many ways, like not being married, or having children. I don't know what else to say, other than that I still - even after all this - have hope - and I'm praying for a miracle.

Angel322
Posts: 26
Joined: Mar 2011

and cried and cried. As you read mine, our stories sound a lot alike. I, too, am around your age, never married, no children, I always felt like I failed her and how could she leave this earth without seeing her only daughter have these special moments? My heart is crushed everyday, can't get use to this life without her...no one cares about me like she did. I am still very frustrated with people as they didn't get what I went through being my Moms nurse all the way to the end...they have no clue and are so selfish and have said some harsh things to me. My Mom and I had this bond no one can ever touch or understand, just her and I....my own aunts/family could careless about me and think it should just be so easy to go on. I've had friends abandon me...but you know who would never have abandoned me? My MOM! She was my "biggest fan" loved me so much...I miss that love...I miss her touch...I miss her voice...her smile...her beautiful brown eyes...there are no words for the lonliness and emptiness I feel. I was so jipped! God jipped me so many years! I ask God the same thing you ask, what did I ever do to deserve him taking away the BEST person in my life? The only person that truly loved me? It totally sucks. I wish I could say it gets easier, but quite the opposite. I'm more frustrated as time goes on...knowing she can't be here for so many things. A girl needs her Mother...I'm so sad for you. I just can't stop crying, you sound so much like me. Please send me a private email and we can talk further, if you would like. I'm here for you and will be your friend. I understand and will support you. Unlike so many cold people in this world, yes, family and people you think are your friends, will be nowhere to be found. They can't deal with it or don't want to. Those people are my past. I stand on my own with my Mom helping me from where she is...but its not the same...I'd give anything to have her here again. ANYTHING. Much love to you and your Mom. I pray that you and your Mom can have some special girl time together. I'm so sorry for all you have to go through so young and that you lost your dad so young. I will never understand why God would do this? My email is angelbaby300000@yahoo.com hugs to you and your Mom.

EricaA's picture
EricaA
Posts: 33
Joined: Aug 2012

I can completely relate to your pain. I just lost my mom unexpectedly on October 27, 2012. She had been diagnosed with neck cancer earlier this year. She went through treatment, and a week before she passed, had a PET Scan, which showed that the cancer that was in her neck was gone. But they did find a small spot on her liver, which they wanted to biopsy to see what it was. 11 days later, my mom died. I found her in her room when I went to feed her. All of the emotions you are expressing, I am feeling right now. The pain is almost unbearable. I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well.

ashma
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2013

I am going through these emotions every day and watching my mom suffering this disease and going day by day close to die its horriable and i am far away from her I want to be with her but I dont know when its very hard.

 

MissMommy24
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2011

I too lost my mom, jun 12, 2011. 2 days b4 my 24th birthday. I was and probley still am in shock. I lost my best friend to this horrable cancer, no one should ever have or deal with. Im happy she is no longer suffering, but the fact she is gone forever hurts sooo bad. She will not see her grandchildren grow up, or b there for all lifes milestones. I know wst u are going through , it sucks and is not fair.

MissMommy24
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2011

I too lost my mom, jun 12, 2011. 2 days b4 my 24th birthday. I was and probley still am in shock. I lost my best friend to this horrable cancer, no one should ever have or deal with. Im happy she is no longer suffering, but the fact she is gone forever hurts sooo bad. She will not see her grandchildren grow up, or b there for all lifes milestones. I know wst u are going through , it sucks and is not fair.

Wendie8
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2011

I can relate.
I lost my mother to ovarian cancer August 17, 2011.
She struggled with it for over a year, did chemo, a clinical trial, etc..
I miss her so much and cannot believe she is gone. This morning I was remembering taking her to chemo and watching her try on hats. I kept telling her to fight. I also told her that if she doesn't win, that she would be okay.
She died at home in her bed. She did not have any peace throughout her ordeal, but accepted it, knew she was going to die, and found peace in the last week of her life.
She would be 68 this Sept. 21st. I miss her so much.

bubblegumx3
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2011

It is currently 1 in the morning and I am wide awake at Strong Hospital. On my parents 22nd anniversary in july, my mom was diagnosed with liver cancer. This weekend in september, i find out that the cancer has spread to the lungs and stomach. Today will be the 10th day my mom has refused to eat anything. Doctors tell us it will be any day now. My mom is dying in front of my families' eyes. I am only 20 and my brother just turned 16. we will both have to live without our mom by our side, watching us grow up. My parents were so excited for their retirement coming up, and this murderous disease just came up from no where. we had so much hope in the beginning, getting chemoembolization and treatment, yet the cancer spread. This cancer just ruined my family and I dont even know what i am feeling. i dropped out of college and gave up two internships to be by her side until the very end. but i need help. my family will need help. how will i learn to cope without my mother? everytime I go home, I look around my house and see the impact my mom has made. I look at the pictures on the fridge that she printed, the report card and "congrats on making the deans list" letter that she proudly magnetized, the family pictures, the painting we picked out together for our living room wall. my dad is always at work and my brother is too busy with school and soccer. it was just me and my mom. now, she absolutely refuses to eat and convulses in pain. I am not allowed to sleep at night because she wakes up every hour crying and withering in pain. why is this happening to me

agt_dht
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

I am so, so sorry to read what you are going through with your mom. You ask the honest questions that we all ask at one point or another, especially with a cancer like this that is diagnosed out of the blue with so little time left. I don't know why this is happening to you or to your mom, but if your dad can't be there for whatever reason, find the hospital chaplain or social worker (or, if you're home now, the hospice chaplain or social worker) to be there with you. You don't need to deal with this alone. You are right about your family needing help, and if your dad can't be there in person, for whatever reason, there are others who can. Tell your dad you need a caregiver there with you to spell you if he can't be there himself.

adri016
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi, I know your post was from almost a year ago, but your story sounds like mine almost exactly. I am my mom's primary caregiver, my dad goes to work and my little brother spends most of his time in front of the computer. I feel the same - when I look around their place, everything is my mom's touch, her care and love in making their house a home. I don't know how I will be able to stand going over there once she's gone. How do you feel now a year later? I wish I could give you a virtual hug because your story sounded so much like mine, I had tears running down my face.

Mdhtnj
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2012

I know this post is a year after and I'm not sure if any of you will get this... But I am 23 and my
Mom died 1 week ago. She was my best friend and we had an amazing friendship and bond that I will never have again. I'm having such a difficult time coping and gathering my feelings... I feel like she's coming back but I know she is gone. If you get this post, how is everyone holding up?

adri016
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi there, I am dealing with my mom passing in the next few weeks. Just the thought of it makes me so sick. She is the nicest, kindest, most self-less person and I don't know why this has happened to her. My question to you is, how do you even cope with life after? I took time off and quit my job to be with her, and I can't even picture getting another job, spending time with my friends, laughing again... after she is gone. My heart also breaks for my 12 year old bother, who will never have his mom there for all the life's milestones that I was lucky to have her for (I'm 25). I just don't know, how will I even begin to have a normal life again?

1NYCGUY
Posts: 9
Joined: Aug 2012

My mom was diagnosed with bile duct cancer this past week. Her doctor said 6-8 weeks. I am older than you and my mom is older than yours but honestly I know how you are feeling. I don't know that I have any answers for you but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have so many questions and so many fears and figured that I would let you know that if you wanted someone to chat with I'd be happy to be there for you.

My brother is disabled and except for about 3 months of his life, he has been with my mother every single day since he was born. He took care of her and she took care of him. I feel terrible for him. I know that sick feeling you are going through.

Here is what I did learn from losing my dad very suddenly several years ago.

Use the time you have to talk to your mom. She is alive today. She can talk to you. Tell her that you are thankful that she is your mom and that she has given you all the tools that you need to become the person she always wanted you to me. Let her know that you appreciate everything she did for you and that you will always do the things she taught you.

I did that about 4 hours after my mom was told she was terminally ill. She thanked me for telling her that and then she told me how proud she was of me.

I cried for a few minutes and then started talking about friends, family and the life we've had. I still cry when I am alone. I am crying now. But when I am with her, I am thankful that I can ask her a question and she can answer me. I refused to act as if she already died. The only other thing I can share with you is this. There is plenty of time to cry and you will. It sounds like you are very close to your mom, as am I. Tell her you love her, but remember that when you are with her now, you are not in a funeral home. She is alive and she can hear you and feel you. Make sure you hold her hand and kiss her cheek.

Those are the things that you will remember.

Have no regrets about anything.

Please feel free to contact me anytime. God Bless you and your family and God Bless your mom.

Rich

1NYCGUY
Posts: 9
Joined: Aug 2012

Well after a very short battle my Mom passed away just about exactly 48 hours ago. I was so scared. Friday night she was sitting in her bed, laughing and eating dinner. We joked and I continued to fool myself into believing that she would continue to make positive progress. Her only discomfort was from a bed sore that she got in the hospital.

Late Saturday night she complained so much about the pain (bedsore) but took her usual 2 Tylenol and said it felt better. I went to sleep leaving her with the night nurse that I hired to stay in our home in the event that my mom needed anything during the night. This had been a routine for about 2 weeks.

Sunday morning i woke up to find my mom sitting on the edge of her bed. She was complaining about back pain. I was thinking it was more than possible that she had legitimate back pain from laying in one position too long the night before. I also thought it could be her kidneys failing as her urine output started to slow.

She was so severely agitated that I had to give her a lorazapam and an Oxycodone. She hates morphine so we avoided it until there was no other choice.

That combination made her sleep. She was still with us, but hadn't slept well the night before. By Sunday afternoon, she wasn't waking up, although if you asked her questions she would answer yes or no. Hospice nurse came and said, "this is the transition phase". I still doubted her. Mom slept more and more and on Monday night she was pretty much in a coma (I think). On Tuesday morning the hospice nurse came and said, that mom had a fever and wanted to insert a Tylenol suppository. She pointed out that she might pass from the fever breaking. She then turned her on her right side and stated that this might cause her to pass. Pretty much everything she did seemed like it could happen any moment.

It didn't mom held on. I realized a little later that my brother had not told her that he was okay if she didn't want to fight anymore. They were so close and she was so protective of him. I told him he needed to tell her he was going to be okay. I left the room and he spoke to her.

I then went back to her bedside and held her hand. My brother closed his eyes for about 10 minutes. I said a few words of love to my mom and she squeezed my hand. (not a myoclonic reaction, she was aware of what I said and squeezed only when it was appropriate).

A few minutes after that at 1:45 pm. I felt her pulse change, her breathing changed and her color changed. I woke my brother up just in time for him to come hold her hand also. She briefly opened her eyes, then closed them. The congested breathing that we had become accustomed to for the prior 3 days stopped. She was gone.

Tonight is the viewing and tomorrow is the funeral.

I did pretty good on the day she passed. I cried a little but handled the things that needed to be done pretty well. Yesterday we spent time at the funeral home making plans. Oddly the funeral directors all new my mom and brother from annual memorial Christmas "parties" that mom attended as my dad is buried on the grounds of that funeral home.

I never thought I'd see a funeral director cry, but yesterday I watched two of them cry like it was there family.

We spent three hours with them much of it talking about my mother. The planning was pretty quick.

I did well last night.

Today, I am unable to function. I have cried almost non stop since I woke up this morning.

I came to this site as this has been a source of information and comfort over the last several weeks.

So, for anyone who thinks they aren't feeling the right things. Forget that. You will feel everything that you need to and you will do it in your own time. No loss, is as great as losing a parent.We ran so hard for the last month trying to help my mom, hoping, praying, cooking and crying (we are Italian). When my mom passed my first reaction was relief. I felt guilt about that for a few minutes and realized that my greatest fear had come and gone in an instant. My mom wasn't in pain, she is in a better place and so I did sleep that first night and last night. Today it all caught up to me. I wrote my moms obituary and it felt good. Reading it in the paper today I cried more than when I wrote it.

For me, today it became real. I have no idea what happens when I walk into that funeral home but I know I am feeling pain today.

So, let your grief come to you when it is right for you. You will go through all the stages, I thought people were idiots when the told me that after my dad died. 18 years later I still wander between denial, anger and acceptance. This isn't one of those wounds that time heals. It will always be there. Like the scar we all got from falling off our bicycles when we were kids. The horror of the wound is gone but the scar remains forever.

Good luck, breath deep and remember that how you live the rest of your life is a reflection of what your mom meant to you. In time you will find peace and you will remember the good times. Most of all you will remember she was, is and always will be, your MOM.

Angel322
Posts: 26
Joined: Mar 2011

to read about your Mom. I am very touched by your story, as I lost my Mom two years ago to Bile duct cancer. My Mom was born in Sicily, we are italian, too. :) I'm so glad you got to be there with your Mom, she is so proud of you and so grateful for all you did to help her. I know it was a tough time fighting the fight. I just wanted you to know that someone is thinking of you and all your going through right now. I pray for your strength at her service and funeral. Please write me privately if you would like a friend that truly understands. So many do not, they simply cannot, until they've been in your shoes. Its very isolating and painful, but reality. A Mother is the BIGGEST part of her children's lives, there is no small way to grieve any Mom. Like you said "this is not one of those wounds that time heals". So much bigger than you can ever express. Prayers to you and your family.

Much love to you always, Angel my email is angelbaby300000@yahoo.com, please write anytime you need comfort in support.

dedwinc
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2013

On December 22, 2012 my mom passed away after a six month battle with adenocarcinoma. My brother and I also cared for our mom in the home. She had several mini strokes during her illness and she increasingly lost mobility. I was always hoping and praying that something would happen and the doctor would say we have a new treatment and she’s going to get better. That never happened. I’m 46 but I am the youngest of three sons. I am somewhat a momma’s boy… naw I am a certified momma’s boy. Like you I went right into planning mode.  Some years back she had done a lot of her own pre need arrangements so I knew what she wanted. We had a grand celebration for her. It was fit for a celebrity.

 

I still have difficulty saying my mom died. I causes me great pain to refer to my mother in the past tense. God please help me through this pain. My mother was a God fearing woman and I know that she is soring with the angels. I wish she was still here with me. She passed peacefully and lovingly at home in her bedroom. It was my brother’s night to stay with her (we took turns) and she woke up about 3AM and was breathing heavily. He gave her some morphine and she still didn’t calm down. She called his name and sweetly closed her eyes and took her last breath. My mom’s radiant smile could light the world. She was a caring and loving woman. 

 

Her funeral was packed. People had to stand outside the church in the cold. There simply wasn’t enough room. It made me feel good to know that so many people came to celebrate her life with us. I find myself smiling about my mom more than crying, but I would do anything to turn back the clock and be able to see her in the kitchen baking pies or a Key Lime cake. I wish I could sit with her an watch Family Feud or Andy Griffith.

 

This whole week I’ve been feeling empty. I miss going into her bedroom to sit and talk to her. Before she passed I would kiss her check and smell her. The nurse that we hired to stay with her during the day would put a dab of her favorite perfume on her. I want to remember that smell. My life will never be the same because everything important thing that happens in my life from now on will happen without my mother physically being here to share it with me. I don’t know how to feel about that. 

Jeff_s
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2012

I'm so sorry...I see your post was from a few weeks ago so I'm not sure if your mom is still with us. I lost my mom 6 years ago, but woke up missing her today like there's no tomorrow. So much so that I found myself wondering how others deal & found this blog. To answe your question, it's very hard, but you will come to terms with things through various stages of grief. Mad as hell, sad, upbeat & optimistic that she will or is free of pain...but there's no easy answer. My father died that October, and three weeks later mom succumbed to her cancer. I was numb. I cried my eyes out at times, other times i moved through it like it was business--as horribly calloused as that sounds--your mind will do what is best for you to cope, and there really isn't any right or wrong way. But you have to try to fill your mind with positives. By being the person that would make her proud. Do things for others that you never did before. Help someone that you wouldn't normally help. Forgive someone that you haven't been able to. By being the person she gave everything to create, you will honor her life and spirit in a way that will make her proud. The key is being that person whether or not you think she is watching. No you might ask how any of that will help how you feel--it may even sound stupid if you're as pissed at the world as I was. But these small acts of kindness will counter the negativity you will likely feel at times. I won't tell you things aren't going to feel empty and lonely. They will, but honor her like you never have before by being the best you can be and there is no greater gift to her, and it will help you find some peace.

That said, it's ok to be angry. It's ok to cry. You may feel guilt. All

Jeff_s
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2012

I'm so sorry...I see your post was from a few weeks ago so I'm not sure if your mom is still with us. I lost my mom 6 years ago, but woke up missing her today like there's no tomorrow. So much so that I found myself wondering how others deal & found this blog. To answe your question, it's very hard, but you will come to terms with things through various stages of grief. Mad as hell, sad, upbeat & optimistic that she will or is free of pain...but there's no easy answer. My father died that October, and three weeks later mom succumbed to her cancer. I was 26 and numb. I remember seeing My dad in the hospital lifeless as he had passed in thr middle of the night. Two days later moms cancer had metasticized and gone to her brain & she called me in a panic that she couldnt walk. I knew the end was near for her, and i was at a loss for how to handle it while I was loading her wheel chair into my car take her to the store. She refused to believe she was dying, and I was certain there was no god because i couldn't begin to process what was happening to my 56 year old mother who was unstoppable, let alone understand what happened to my 57 year old father, who was equally unstoppable. I cried my eyes out at times, other times i moved through it like it was business--as horribly calloused as that sounds--your mind will do what is best for you to cope, and there really isn't any right or wrong way. But you have to try to fill your mind with positives. By being the person that would make her proud. Do things for others that you never did before. Help someone that you wouldn't normally help. Forgive someone that you haven't been able to. By being the person she gave everything to create, you will honor her life and spirit in a way that will make her proud. The key is being that person whether or not you think she is watching. No you might ask how any of that will help how you feel--it may even sound stupid if you're as pissed at the world as I was. But these small acts of kindness will counter the negativity you will likely feel at times. I won't tell you things aren't going to feel empty and lonely. They will, but honor her like you never have before by being the best you can be and there is no greater gift to her, and it will help you find some peace.

That said, it's ok to be angry. It's ok to cry. You may feel guilt. All of this is normal. The first year will be hard, but as each year passes you will begin to accept her passing. But yes, birthdays, holidays...it can be hard to see the cup full. Please dont hesitate to contact me if you need to talk...

My sincere regards to you and yours...

Olivermine
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2013

Dear Jeff S:  I found comfort in your posting.  My Mother is in her 11th day of refusing food.  Today she could not speak; could only wave her hand or "grunt" indicating yes or no.  She opens her eyes and sometimes sees us but mostly does not.  She is beginning to hallucinate a bit.  I know the end must come and I pray for it to relieve her of her fears.  She is uncomfortable but not in pain.  For this I feel blessed for her and even for myself.

 

As everyone up to now "we" fought the battle and there was always a corner to turn or an avenue to follow.  There was hope and light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been "missing" her for several weeks, but now it is becoming acute.  "Normal" life occurs momentarily, I forget and think -  "Oh, I need to call Mum and ask her............."  And then reality returns.  The tears too.  

 

I know, I know, I know - circle of life, etc...  But, honestly at the moment I don't care.  I know that's normal and I am ok with it.  Not everyone is blessed with  a wonderful, loving and caring Mother.  But I was.  Throughout my life I truly appreciated her and loved our time together.  I knew this experience would be horrid, excruciating and scarey.  It is all that and much more.  But I will not give into the fear and let it control me.  At least for this moment.......

I will get through the next days and when all is over and calm will be the time to allow myself to wallow in my grief and tears.  At least for a bit........

 

Thank you for posting, Candace

Sarah0000
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2013

Found out a week ago, my darling mum had liver cancer . She die 6 days ago . It spread so fast round the body through the brain.

wayne62's picture
wayne62
Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2013

Hi Im sorry for your lose all I can say is saying goodbye SUCKSFrown

Saycebarbara
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2013

Hi I lost mum to cancer 24 years ago, I could relate to not knowing what to do, how to cope.........we weren't a talking family. I pushed it all aside and kept going with our work ethic and activities.......I now know that was not helping but I was doing the best with what I knew.! I have found it's only now after my own breast cancer diagnosis that I have to let go and face the things that happened including Dad's death 4 years ago. Luckily they got my cancer early and this is my NEW CHANCE AT LIFE. Good on you all for your crying, blogging and releasing the pain. It's important as holding it in causes more anguish. I sincerely thank you for your honesty and openess. Keep doing what you are doing and don't expect too much from yourself. I also had guilt but you can only start from today and do your best today. Yes I can relate and keep talking.

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