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karenbeth's picture
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

So I spent a week in Berkeley with my brother and SIL and that was WONDERFUL! Getting some distance did help, as I was not constantly surrounded by memories and associations with Frank. Not to mention that helping with 7 month old twin babies (only 4 in their premie adjusted ages) does not leave much room for sitting around moping. A few times sadness reared up and slapped me in the face, like thinking about how when I was away without him we'd speak daily and tell each other about our days...but overall it was a good trip. I managed to get into San Francisco proper a couple of times to visit old friends and my old workplace. And it was amazing to see my mom meet her grandchildren for the first time; she was just glowing being with them. This weekend I caught up on household stuff and fixed up my community garden plot and terrace container garden. It was beautiful weather but damn it, I missed him, missed him, missed him SO MUCH. If he was here we would have probably gone for a long bike ride. I should take my bike out and go for a long ride in his memory --he was quite a cyclist, I'm just a recreational rider--but I'm not there yet. I find myself thinking, well, I made it through another weekend. What will I do next weekend to make it through? Keep putting one foot in front of the other, I guess.
And that's what I've been doing, putting one foot in front of the other and going through the motions of life...work, friends, yoga, running, going to the farmer's market, gardening... I can't let myself sit around the apartment and wallow in my grief; I know too well how that will make me feel much much worse in the end, and it was also something Frank hated and would never want me to do. So I am keeping on keeping on...eventually, I hope I'll find true pleasure again in the above activities. I think I will.
I am finally putting a picture of myself here, me and one of my sweet nephews. Peace to everyone.

lovingwifedeb's picture
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Smiling on the outside... crying on the inside... that's the way it feels some days? It is for me. I'm glad you got away for a while, outside the space that is so familiar with you and Frank. I think it gives us breathing room when we are surrounded by all the things touched by our loved one. I've lost all my vacation days and sick days trying to be the good caregiver this year, maybe next year I can take that trip away from sad memories.

My husband passed on May 27th and the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. My daughter is staying with me... she is a mother hen, in a good way. It is much appreciated. I am so used to being the caregiver that I have lost the mental capacity to concentrate or to stay focused. Trying to work and remember my job duties is hard enough these days. There have been soooooo many times I have turned to say something to my husband and he is not there to talk with... my heart keeps breaking over and over.

One foot in front of the other... yes, I know how it's suppose to work. I'm too new in my venture to have much advice for you Karen, just know you aren't alone. Just know that this road we are traveling has been touched by so much love here, because why else would I spend so much time seeking encouragement here? Ha!

Peace to you,

karenbeth's picture
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

Peace to you as well. I know I am not alone and that truly does help. That's why I come here still, too.
I know what you mean about it being hard to concentrate and stay focused. I am still having that problem. I think it is very common. People keep telling me how strong I am, and yes, I do feel strong, but not always. Looks can be deceiving, as you said.
I'm glad you have your daughter to look after you. Let her.


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband a year ago last March and I still think about him every day. We always went up north to the cottage in July & funny but today on my screensaver up popped a picture of me sitting on the porch up there. Love summer cause we can be outside, but miss him more cause we always did so many things together.
We manage to go through our days trying to make it, but seems like there are some days when I just fall apart cause of the lonliness. So I can relate to how you feel. My 3 grandsons keep me busy and don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them.
Hang in there & just remember how many of us are just like you. When did your husband die? It's like a part of us is dead too right?? But we'll survive! Take care Karen.

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