First of all I feel really guilty and evil for having these feelings so sympathetic non judgemental love will be greatly appreciated.
Me and my mom were fighting cancer together and she died in December. She really took care of me a lot before she found out, then I was her caregiver. I had such a warm caring supportive group around me. When you have cancer suddenly you are special. I know this is going to sound really sick and twisted and I am in therapy. Anyway, you have all this love and outpouring and are the sick one. Ct and blood is clear for me right now so technically I am a survivor. So now I am the one taking care of the family and getting back to the old routine and I still feel weak and wish I was being taken care of and frankly, miss being special. I don't have the freedom to be weak and sick anymore. No one is ready to jump in and take care of things because I am well. But I don't feel well. Also I do think it is a ptsd thing cuz I didn't have time to process everything, once I was in treatment, I found out my mom was gonna die and I took care of her and basically as soon as my chemo was over she went into hospice care and the week following her death I found out my cancer was back, and went through treatments this time with very little help and so I think I am probably a little bitter that the world keeps spinning no matter if I feel like it should or not, like kids still need getting off to school, there is no pause button for me to get myself together. Also once you are technically well the disability gets cut and you have financial worries. This makes me feel incredibly guilty for this kind of thought process but rationally I can see how someone can embrace the identity of cancer patient and it is hard to let go of. Does anyone relate to any of this? How do I embrace being strong and well, why do I miss having cancer? I mean just typing that last sentence I sound completely crazy! I wasn't doing very well before I had cancer so that could be it as well. Everyone hears my story and they are like wow you have been through so much how did you do it? and I have this blank numb stare because I am not really sure what they are talking about...it is like a dream. I don't really remember making a conscious decision to do anything, it just happened, and now I am in shellshock.
Thanks for listening.