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debbieg5's picture
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Hello to everyone. I know it's been well over a month since I've been here to visit. Hard to say why exactly. Part of it is just because of sheer overload in every day life. But to be honest, part of it was not wanting to face the emotions that would inevitably be brought out here. All of April and a lot of May was a tough struggle for some reason. The last time I was on here, someone had mentioned about going backwards and that's what I felt like. At the same time, I started discovering that my 19 year old daughter was having some bad struggles also. Not that she came out and told me but I started finding out things through her boyfriend and others. She began acting totally out of character for her and she ended up failing 2 of her classes (this is a girl that graduated HS with honors and was on honor roll during freshman year at college). So fretting over her just added to my stress. My older boy also started seeming more withdrawn than normal during May and also wasn't eating much (big clue for teenage boy that is normally wolfing down food all day). He kept complaining that his stomach was hurting but it was from stress and nerves, not any kind of virus. Everybody is out of school now so that should relieve some stress for them. Still haven't been able to get my daughter to sit down and talk. she is very irritable a lot of the time and doesn't want to talk. So dealing with my own grief just gets pushed to the back burner most of the time. The next few weeks will be tough. I organized a team for our local Relay for Life in Ken's memory. The relay is this Friday/Saturday (6pm-6am). I have 11 other people on the team with me...some family, some friends. I'm sure there will be a lot of emotions through the night. Then, of course, Sunday is Father's Day. We (me and my kids and Ken's 2 grown daughters) are planning on going to the cemetary on Sunday. We have only been once and that was right after he was buried (in the snow). It was in a brand new section that was still being bull-dozed. So, hopefully, there will be some grass there now and it will be easier to find. Then June 28th would have been our 31st anniversary. Not sure how I want to deal with that day. Probably just try to ignore it.
I do think about you ladies a lot and tell everyone what a big help it has been to have others that know exactly what I'm going through. I'll try to be back here soon and catch up with everyone.
Take care, Debbie

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grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Take care of yourself. Relay will be hard but rewarding. Hugs and prayers, Fay

debbieg5's picture
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Thanks Fay. the Relay did turn out to be fun and purposeful. A lot of it was silliness as they had different "themes" for the laps in the late night/early morning hours such as "favorite superhero", "pajama lap", "backwards lap", etc. But the most touching was when they lit the luminaries and then showed pictures of our loved ones on the jumbo-tron screen. That part really hit you as you realized how many people in your immediate area had been affected by cancer. I'll admit that sometimes feelings of anger/jealousy would overcome me as I passed the ones wearing "survivor" t-shirts. I would start thinking...why couldn't my husband have been one of the survivors? But I know that's a useless path to go down. let's just hope that some day, researchers will find a way to control and hopefully stop this ugly beast called CANCER.

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