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I want to be normal again!!!

memories1958
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2011

My husband died March 22, 2011 and I am so lonely. He was only 55 and we worked together everyday. I have lots of friends and family, but I constantly miss him so much. We were married 37 years and he told me everyday that he loved me! I will never hear that again!

I want to be normal again but I dont know where to start. I've already made a few stupid mistakes and am afraid of making another one. I need you women to tell me what to do. I desperately need your help!!!!!!

Memories1958

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Memories1958, I also lost my husband Mike very recently at the age of 54 on Jan. 23, 2011 after 31+ years of marriage, 5+ years of going together and having known each other and being friends since first grade. Mike was my best friend, soul mate, comedian, hero....... We loved each other deeply, worked around the house together and played together like kids (biking, Ski Patrolling, golfing and goofing around) and also have lots of family and friends who were there for us and continue to be there for me. We did not work together (in fact we were away from each other due to work over the years for maybe 4 to 6 weeks a year), but the bottom line is I know exactly how you feel. And I can tell you that there are other women who are in this same boat as us at varying lengths of time since their husbands have passed away.

I miss Mike and also miss hearing him tell me every day that he loves me and always will. And I miss the smell of his aftershave lotion (although there are times that I still smell it and know that I am not going nuts). I know that I will never be "normal" again in the sense of what normal used to be. As I have read many others on here say, I am learning a new sense of normal. The best I can tell you is to take a deep breath and slow down. Realize that this is a very, very slow process where we take small steps forward and also fall back. Do not rush decisions! And ask people you know you can trust to help you think things through if you must.

You say that you have made some stupid mistakes, but by what standard are they stupid? Do you feel that way because things didn't go as smoothly as when your husband did them? If that's the case, welcome to the club. And guess what, I know I will make more mistakes, and as always, I will learn from them. As my husband always said, "it is what it is".

If you want to send me a private message to talk about anything, please do. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies by expecting too much from ourselves far too quickly and/or being way too hard on ourselves. I don't know if this helped you, but please know that you ARE NOT alone. I wish you peace and far better days.

Elizabeth15
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2011

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time...your sense of loss and inability to find a new place is not unusual.  It is impossible to rush your grieving and put everything back into place and be normal again.  I share your experience of working with a spouse.  My husband and I were always together as we ran a business together...just the two of us.  We were rarely separated and we reveled and thrived in this environment.  We never dreamed we would be separated...it was not in our "plan" quite frankly who lives like that.  You ache to be normal again but that normal is gone...it was gone long before your darling died...for us that normal instantly disappeared the day the doctor told us Bob had cancer.  Our normal died that moment.  We were never the same two people again.  The building blocks we nurtured to build our business and marriage are what keep us focused and able to weather the awfulness that put a claim on our future together....but we bucked and kicked to the very end.  Now I sit here four months later and I am just and I emphasis just having passing moments where I sort of believe he is not really coming back...it comes in an odd wave that washes over me.  The first four months I have let myself feel whatever comes over me...feel like crying I cry, feel like going no where I sit still...I let no one push me to do something  do not want to do...I let myself grieve...I encourage you to do the same...do not seek normalcy...it will someday find you.  To be clear it is here in this wonderful forum full of people whom share the same experiences that I have found comfort and guidance.  I am amazed when I read what others write that I also feel the same way...in my solitude and grief I found this place and I have learned I am not alone...the greatest teachers I have ever met are right here...they are thoughtful, courageous, and incredibly generous.
Do not rush anything...what has happened to you, your husband and your marriage is a disaster that no one can put back together again.  You have been hurt and now must heal.  This healing is a long process.  I hope you take time to read other entries here...they  provide a sort of guide and perspective only those who have experienced the same thing you have.  I have learned so much here and had my feelings validated as well.  I have found comfort in knowing that what I have been going through is the path that must be traveled. I am blessed that as I travel this unknown territory the women here will never let me fall...never be afraid to ask for help as you did today.
I so hope and pray you find some peace as you find your way.  Take it slowly...if you ever need to talk you can email me....do not be surprised when many hands here reach out to support you...you have found the right place. Elizabeth

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband Tom on Mar. 25, 2010. Can hardly believe how fast the time has gone. We were married for 46 years, so I not only lost my husband, but he was also my best friend. The emptiness we feel seems like it will never end. But I did go to counseling & was on meds for 10 months. He had only been sick 2 months and his death was traumatic due to Avastin.
Please take care & take one day at a time. Carole

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you have heard those words way too many times now. They don't really help, but most of us can't think of any other words. I, too, lost my husband. We were married for 42 years. Both of us had retired and had so many plans. Then we got the cancer dx. Doug fought it for six years before losing his battle. That was a about a year and a half ago. I am still grieving. I am grieving for the life we planned, the normal I once knew, and his presence in my life. I have come a long way, though. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and done things I had never done before. I am adjusting. I am spending time with friends and family even though at times those family times also bring sadness because he isn't here. It takes time, but we do find ways to move forward. I don't have any words of wisdom and can only repeat what has been said by others. Grief is a process and we do have to go through it to find our new normal. I have often said here that I can't say time makes this better, but it does make it easier to live with our loss. We do learn to cope. Sometimes we have to ask for help. Don't be afraid to do that. Come here when you need to know that you are not alone. Now, it is time to take care of yourself. Hugs and prayers, Fay

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

I'm so sorry that you've had to join this awful club. I lost my husband about a week before you did, and it's very hard. I've had some okay days - last week was a pretty good week, but this past weekend and today have been rough. It's hard to come to terms with never seeing our loved one smile again or hearing them say how much we are loved. I've read a number articles that caution those of us who have lost a spouse or partner against making any big changes in our lives. I'm trying to follow this advice. Please don't feel that you have to rush anything. The rest of the world may want us to hurry up and get over it, but they're not living with our loss. Try to be kind to yourself, and take things at your own pace.

I also worked in the same department as my husband, so I know that it's like a double loss. We've lost the work connection, and we've lost our soulmate, our heartbeat at home.

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Memories 1958

I am sorry for your loss and your pain.

A lot of us here talk about a new normal and thats probably the best way to look at it. We can't be the same again. We have had a life altering event occur. It takes time but you will eventually find yourself but it probably wont be the you you were before cancer affected your life.

As for the mistakes...dont worry we have all made them....from buying things we dont need ....to not so sound financial decisions and in my case crashing my car on the 16 month anniversary of my husband's death. I remember having pregnancy brain during my 2 pregnancies...and it feels a bit like that...like my brain is not quite there... part of it is the shock, part of it is the grief and part of it is also the fatigue from the grieving.

Someone said something that made me see things a bit differently. It is not about getting over the death of a loved one, it is about embracing the fact that this is part of who we now are. I am never going to get over it....but I am going to get better at coping with it.
Hugs
ST

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