May 24, 2011 - 11:29 pm
Been one of 2 caregivers for my friend with pancreatic cancer. Not too much longer, it's getting harder for him to breathe and he hasn't eaten in days. Has had very little to drink in the last 3 days. Hospice nurses say at this point just let him do what he wants. He barely makes sense anymore, and when we can understand him it sounds like he's reliving his childhood. Some of it has been funny, but the more we laugh the more we realize how little of Jack we have left. Then, another piece of the world shatters like a mirror, into shards that won't stop cutting...another friend of ours was found dead in her apartment, after days of no one being able to get in contact with her. Her dad found her body, looks like suicide. She quit her job and then was found dead. These two friends didn't know each other, and we never saw the suicide coming. This is so much all at once. And I won't get to attend a service of any kind for either of them. Our friend with cancer wants to be cremated with no ceremony or anything. The friend who committed suicide is being flown back to upstate New York where the family plot is. I am all the way down in central Florida. I can't sleep even though I should be exhausted. It's almost midnight and I have been up since 4 am. All I can think of is Jack and that the phone is going to ring in the middle of the night. I have both mom's cell phone and mine beside me because I don't want her to wake up to that call, even though I will have to tell her. I feel like I am going to totally lose it...I do have insurance and I know I should probably be seeing someone but I am terrified of seeing someone for anything psych related. I could keep talking all night but I would just be rambling. Just so lost and wandering through my mind, and I can't get out of the pain...