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And it all came unravelled

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

It is now 17 months since hubby passed. I dont post often but do lurk and drop a line once in a while. As some of you may know in the first 8 months after hubby passing I had to get the girls and myself a new place to live and I also changed jobs.
The one year mark was hard but I thought I was doing ok, getting better at dealing with my new life. But this grief demon is not done with me yet.
On 4th Apr (exactly 16 months after hubby passed) I crashed my car. Had my four year old with me at the time. We were both unhurt. Car though got totalled. Mind you I have before that accident never been involved in an accident. Never had a bump even on any of the cars I have owned. So yes this was major.
Tomorrow is hubby's birthday. It is the second one he has not been here for but last year was a blur and this year? I just want to crawl under the covers and not come out for a week. Not an option when you have 2 kids (aged 4 and 10) and the nearest family lives a 7hour plane ride away. I did not cry much after he passed. All choked up I guess. But I have spent the last week or so tearing at the littlest thing and crying in the shower (coz I dont want the girls to think mum has lost it). Its like I put my grief in a little box and put it away because I had things to get done and now that box is too full and threatening to burst.
I may just take a couple of days off work because it is just getting a little too much for even supermum to handle. :)
Its not always this bad. Guess I am just having a rough week.
Be kind to yourselves (as I try to find the courage to be kind to me).
ST

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

(((Hugs)))

Just when we think we're functioning pretty good and getting a handle on things, it all seems to come unravelled. I'm so sorry that you had to go through the additional agony of a car accident, but happy to hear that you and your little one were not hurt. A major car accident takes a heavy toll on the body and the mind! I am surmising that the accident, with all that raw emotion, re-awakened so many feelings about the loss of your husband. On top of all of this, your husband's birthday is tomorrow! Please take time for yourself - to heal from the car accident, to continue to deal with this profound, life-changing loss.

I understand the need for a crying place away from our children. Mine is the car of all places. Like you, I don't want my child to think his mother is losing it!

sal314
Posts: 633
Joined: Jul 2010

Like it's been said by others, just when you think you're making progress..."POOF"...something happens and you feel like it happened yesterday! Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel like the "fog" has lifted.

I'm going through a rough patch at the moment myself. It probably has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that this Thursday we are FINALLY putting my father in his final resting place with my brother. It's taken 3 months to get everything squared away...so just as I started to feel a wee bit better, "BOOM"...it will be like a funeral all over again. And not just for my father, but for my brother as well. I was so young when he passed, it will be like mourning him for the first time I think.

Anyway, more than feeling sorry for myself, I feel so sad for my poor mom. She is so, so sad and lost and just moving at warp speed. She just can't sit and "be" with her feelings. My father pasted away on Feb. 16th. She's already gotten rid of all his clothes, sold his car and has been looking for a new place to move. She wants to get out of that house ASAP. I can understand her feelings and I know everyone deals with grief differently, but gosh, she's just going so dang fast! There are only two big things left to do...1) Put my dad in his final resting place 2) Go to his office and clean it out. After that...there will be NOTHING left of his life, our life together as a family. It's just so sad. So final. And so, so weird! Ugh.

Anyway, didn't mean to get off track and babble on. Guess I needed to vent more than I thought?! :)

My thoughts are with you ST. Hang in there. God's mercies are new every morning!!

Blessings,
Sally

Stargzr
Posts: 47
Joined: Mar 2011

Your mom probably needs to move fast as much as I need to move slow. My husband's closet is just as he left it. It give me peace to see it. His shoes still sit by the door. One of these days I will put them away or pack them up. He has a lot of uniform shirts that he never wore, and I am in the process of packing those up to return them to his department. It's hard in spite of the fact that he never wore the shirts.

Hold on to the memories of your dad and your life together as a family. Right now my memories of my husband are my anchor.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Your mom is doing what she feels she needs to do. I did some things quickly, but I waited to do other things. There will always be much left of his life and your life as a family as long has you hold your memories close. I know that you think you understand how your mom feels, but we never fully understand someone else's grief. I can tell you that the loss of a spouse is different from the loss of a parent. I'm not saying one is more or less hard, just different. Support your mom as much as you can. Talk to her if you truly feel that she is making rash moves that she might regret later. Know that she isn't trying to wipe out your father's memory, she is just trying to find ways to hurt less. Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

We have walked this path together much of the time as I lost my husband just a short time before you lost yours. I think the stars are in the wrong alignment or something because I have had a bad few days, too. Who knows why? I think we just have to accept that those days come. I am sorry about your accident. That would throw anyone for a loop. Your girls know that you are strong. They know they can depend on you. A tear now and then isn't going to change that. In time, as they grow older, they will better understand and respect you for the way you have continued life while grieving. Being a single parent is demanding. Take some time off if you need it. Do something you enjoy. Rest, relax and take care of yourself. Fay

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Fay

I hope the stars change alignment soon. I am tired of being grumpy and of having all kinds of mishaps. My car is still being repaired (9 weeks after the accident) and I am still having to pay for a rental car.
I am in Australia and we have just started winter. Last weekend my heating unit packed in and when I booked in a service call, I was told the service men would come by on 15 June.
Things aren't going too well at work either...lots of politics that i dont care for. I have not exceeded my leave entitlements but have been told I have been taking too much leave. So yes, planets, stars....please start moving ....:)
ST

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm doing better, so I hope you will be soon. I just got back from spending 5 days in Disneyland with my younger son and family. His girls are 6 and 9. They had a great time. Me, I was totally worn out. I can only imagine being a single parent with two girls.

One of my travel dreams is to go to Austrailia. It's a long flight but I'm sure it would be worth it. This year the family is going on an Alaska cruise. Maybe next year I can plan the Austrailia vacation. I hope it doesn't get too cold before you get the heat fixed. All these fix it things sure seem to pile up. I'm lucky that I have two grown sons who can occasionally help me out. Right now I have some furniture I'd like moved and the older son is coming this weekend. Maybe I can get that done then.

Take care, Fay

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi Fay

Its great that you had a good holiday with family. I have been saving up to take the girls to Disneyland this September but have now blown just over half of the holiday fund on the rental car. The girls have been very understanding.
What we have now done to speed up our saving for the trip so we can hopefully go next year is set up a big jar for our Disney trip savings. Every time we forego our fortnightly take away "treat" in favour of a simple home cooked meal that the girls help cook, we put in the amount we would have spent on take away in the jar.

Well, here's hoping you get your dream trip to Australia next year and my girls get their dream trip to Disneyland. :)

Take care,
ST

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