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any info would be great

reds1958
Posts: 8
Joined: May 2011

i am new to the board an just need some suport. i am the caregiver for my mother who has cancer on unknown primary that has sperad to liver an lungs. i dont know what to do. first let me say my mother has allways beed a depressed person she has hated the world since my father died in 1989. i have been there for her the hole time an she has allways complained about somthing hurting, now that she is sick i dont know what i should be looking for. the doctor told us she only had months to live so we callen in hospis she was on it for 1 year an they took her off because she was not getting worse. she has been off for 1 year now an still dont know what is going on doctor just shakes his head an says he does not know all ct scans show it is spreading but she still eats an is not loseing any weight. all i hear is i just want to die, i have nothing to live for, and she says she is so sick but when we go to the doctor she says she is fine. so how do i know if she is in pain or not. also she has never been a nice person an thinks the hole world owes her an nothing i do i good enough. i am trying to take care of her an take care of my husband who just had back surg. please an info would help i dont know what i should be looking for.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

First, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. You have a great deal on your plate. You need to understand that you are not responsible for your mother's emotional problems. It is great that you are caring for her. You can get her the best medical care available including counseling if possible. You can't change how she behaves, but you can change how you respond to her. You may benefit from some counseling and support as well. Caregiving is hard. Your first duty is to take care of yourself. You really can't help others if you don't care for yourself. Also, remember that the best you can do is the best you can do. Don't beat yourself up over things that are out of your control. You may also need to set boundaries. Tell your mom what you can do, what you cant do, and ask for help. You don't say how old your mom is. That can certainly be a factor. Help may be available from social service agencies. Don't hesitate to ask. You can't do everything for both your mom and your husband. Come here often to get support and to vent. Take care, Fay

reds1958
Posts: 8
Joined: May 2011

ty fay my mom is 77 an i know that it is not my fault. but it is hard not knowing what to look for an to know if she is getting worse. an as far as counseling that is out it has been offerd but she says there is nothing wroug with her. she says it is no ones busness. the rest of the famly just stays away cause they cant deel with her i am all she has left. ty for your reply

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

My 80 year old mother is difficult in her way, too, so it's understood among my sibs that we take turns, especially when one of us has something important going on. Husband with back surgery counts as important, so why not take this opportunity to get the "stay-aways" to start doing their part? I have had the best luck asking for specific missions: Will you please go hang out with Mom for a couple of hours on Saturday, check her fridge and take her shopping if she wants to go?

Then there is what my older brother calls the "dying swan" syndrome. When I'm taking care of Mom she's the dying swan, but then she gets better after I leave. Coincidence?

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