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Guilty

lucy07
Posts: 48
Joined: Apr 2011

I was married for 26 years. We were happy for most of the time. Than suddenly the world turned around my husband was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia.He was in the hospital for a few months fighting to stay alive. On top of cancer his kidneys failed. I found the oncologist. Went to appointments with him. Made sure he was taken care of when I was at work. (he was never alone). He went through several rounds of radiation and chemotherapy. But within two years he was gone. A month before he died I was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery and radiation treatments. Just about when I started going to MSKCC I started feeling guilty. I do not know why. It just that every time I go to Memorial-Sloan Kettering I start to get upset several times to the point of uncontolable crying. I feel so guilty that I did not take him to MSKCC. Maybe they could have helped him more than the hospital in Brooklyn. Maybe I should have found him a better doctor. Maybe I should have done more. I keep wondering.................

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
Posts: 2734
Joined: Jul 2006

Don't play the 'what if' game. You will never win. You did the best you could at the time. Maybe it was just his time and nothing would have kept him here longer. Regrets are to be avoided. Just do the best you can under the circumstances.

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5894
Joined: Apr 2009

No guilt on your part, we never know the future only today. You did all you could do and you did what you knew was the best that could be done at the time. I am 9 years passed my first treatment and 6 years passed my second treatment, and find when ever I go to places like MD Anderson I start to cry, not for my self but for the people I see going through the hell that I been too and knowing that I can’t do anything to help them but maybe speak works of confront to them.

Take care and live for today
Hondo

carolenk's picture
carolenk
Posts: 909
Joined: Feb 2011

All I can say is that it sounds your husband had problems with his kidneys long before he had cancer. I don't know if your husband had problems with his blood pressure or blood sugar (two common causes of kidney damage).

No doctor or hospital would have foreseen the kidney problem or prevented chemo from shutting down his kidneys.

Kidneys are really tricky--they don't show their weakness until more than 50% of the kidney function is gone. So that means the blood test can look fine BEFORE chemo and you already know the rest of the story.

I think the outcome would have been the same at MSKCC...unless they have "crystal ball" technology.

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