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I can't find my illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator . . .

mswijiknyc's picture
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

It almost seems like I'm doing worse than I was a month ago. I don't get it. Was ok for all of it, but now it hits me. So now I'm trying to find the piece of the puzzle that puts everything back into place so I don't feel like I'm living in a house of cards. I would say like things were before, but that's such a loaded phrase.

I guess I just wish everyone would stop expecting me to move on. The people (family) that I think would understand the most don't. I have bad days - just deal with it! If I need something and I ask for it, you have to trust my judgement. Stop assuming you know me better than I do.

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

You went through so much with Patrick. It's only natural to find that all of a sudden it hits you and you realize he's not there anymore. Don't listen to anyone but us who have gone through this cause no one else understands. My sister expected me to be over losing Tom after one month!!! I couldn't believe that. When I asked her what she would do if her husband who's 81 would die tomorrow. She said "well, I'd just move on!" Yah, right! April, just take a day at a time and if there are bad days, like you said, just deal with them. I had a hard time this weekend realizing that here it is another holiday without Tom. Had to do everything myself cause he wasn't here to help me. Then one grandson came over and hardly ate any of the brunch that I made and was just a little brat! I had also made a ham & home made mac n cheese for dinner. Well, the other son& family came over and of course they weren't really hungry cause they had been at his wife's parents for brunch so they didn't want to eat till later. Well, the ham that was delicious got overcooked even though I had the temp on low. So I think next year "screw it" I'll go out!!! Forget cooking!
But that got away from what you were saying about moving on. Just do what you feel like and don't let anyone tell you to "move on" yet!!!Sorry I got off ranting a little!

MissTodd's picture
Posts: 28
Joined: Jan 2011

I know what you mean about family. If I said it once I've said it a hundred times. I don't want to move, I am not ready to move. This is my home I want to be here. Beside in this day who is going to buy a home? Or where would I go. It's a conversation that seems to come up once a week with my family. I guess I was wrong when I thought they would understand.
I learned now who I can talk to and who I can't. However, I didn't learn it soon enough.
I do what I do for me.
Hang in there. ((Hugs))

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I was warned, thank goodness, that things can get harder after a few months. That's when people think you should be ok, but, of course, you're not. Everyone else seems to have moved on while we are still hurting. They don't understand that our lives have changed forever in ways we can't even explain. Just take your time. Know that what seems like backward movement may actually be forward movement. That probably doesn't make much sense, but I have often found that what seems like a backward step has helped me better understand where I am going. Take care, Fay

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Let's see, "moving on", what does that mean, really? Some days I think I'm "moving on" as things aren't as painful, the bills are paid, I've smiled or even laughed at something. And it has been on some of those "good" days that for no apparent reason it all comes back to me, in "full living color"! I cry, I'm sad, I'm angry...

To the folks around us, I think moving on is that we don't speak of our loss or cry or look sad. I know, it is difficult for them to even imagine what this all feels like, so most times I give them a break.

I am truly blessed with a family and a handful of dear friends that get "it"! They ask, they want to know if I am having a bad day, and why. They listen, pay attention, knowing that nothing they can say will make all this go away. Yet they are there for me. I have begun to try to enjoy my time with them, trying to occasionally bring up a happy time we may have shared with my beloved. Trying not to speak of the loss or sadness. They are the ones helping me be able to "remember" the good memories of him without the sting of sorrow.

I know that I am so comfortable sharing with all of you, dear ones, as I feel that you all know what these times feel like. To read your words, to share our sorrow, to comfort and be comforted, has been a saving grace for me.

Bless you all,


mswijiknyc's picture
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I feel like I have lost my focus. I want so dam bad to get it all together, but I can't. It's sad really, but I miss when I had all that stuff on my shoulders because at least then i had a plan. Right now I have nothing, no plan, no focus, and I'm going nuts!

I feel like I'm in the classic no win situation, so what option do I choose? The one that sucks the least? Or the one that hurts the most but might, juuuuust might, work out for the long run?

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I quit.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

It's o.k. to quit for a day or two, or even three! I have, only to find out that my survival instinct would kick me in the a.. and get me going again. Four months now, and that's about how it goes. I move like hell on wheels for about two weeks, and then hit the brakes.

You are so right, when Dennis was here and going through treatments, I knew what I had to do, when to do it and how to get it done. Now, I must write everything down and check on it a few times a day to make sure I didn't forget something.

I've had to make both of the types of decisions you described already, the ones that suck the least and painful ones. How did it go? Time will tell.

Maybe we are still very exhausted?? It has not been that long for us. Focusing is difficult when one is tired. That's what they say. Add the deep loss we've experienced, the unknowns that wait around every corner, who feels up to focusing?

I pray for better days for you, April. From knowing you through this wonderful site, I feel your survival instinct will kick in some day soon, dear one.


Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I attended a support group for young widows and that phrase "moving on" was a definite no-no. What does that mean exactly? How does one "move on" from the life that they have known for years, from the person who meant the world to them? Those who have not lost a spouse don't get it. Everything changes...everything. It has been ten months since Terry died. There are stretches when I think I'm doing okay and days when I feel I just can't do this any more. But you just keep moving forward. I have a very dear friend, we are very close but there are times when she will say things that I know she too just doesn't truly understand what I am going through. I know there will come a time when I will be okay, unfortunately it may be a long way off. You will eventually be okay too. This whole grieving process just plain sucks...it takes a long time and there are no shortcuts. We all have to hold on and take this miserable roller coaster ride to the end.

debbieg5's picture
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Well, I haven't been here in awhile and it seems I always come just when I need to hear something. I too have felt like I have gone backward this past 4-6 weeks. I couldn't understand it. It was like maybe I had just been numb for awhile and this $h!t was finally sinking in. I found myself having to run out of my office in tears and just walk around outside (once in the cold rain) so my co-workers wouldn't see me crying. So maybe this is still within the normal boundaries. Even my youngest son (12) seems to have slid backwards. he had seemed to be moving along really well, but now he has had several crying spells in the last couple of weeks.
At least I have been blessed with friends and family that seem to understand and don't give pressure to "move on". My own father was killed when I was a young girl so my mom knows exactly what I'm going through. A friend at church came up and said "I'm not going to ask you how you're doing because you'll just say 'OK' and I know you're not. But is there anything I can do to help?" that's the kind of friends that are blessings.
And so are all of you on this board. I know I can always come here and find understanding.

mswijiknyc's picture
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Miss Debbie - Good to hear from you. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.

There is a phrase that construction workers use when someone is getting laid off (read: fired) - Thanks for coming in today. I need to start using this phrase, and wouldn't you know that the people who need to hear it the most are the people that are closest to the situation, the very people that should be telling me to say this to others!

Guess it's a good thing these same people have already told me I'm selfish. When I start ignoring them and excluding them, I will already know what nonsense they are going to throw at me. This is just sad.

Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2010

Seriously...tomorrow will be a month since my husband passed away. I didn't realize it until this afternoon. Since the day he was diagnosed I have been swamped in the day to day tasks of taking care of him, then when he passed away the tasks of all the paperwork (where did all that paperwork come from anyway?). I haven't had time to be upset. At his service (and after) I have found myself angry at friends who approach me sobbing. My anger was because they are mourning and I didn't have the luxury because I had to take care of my family. It was expected! I had to be the strong one and take care of everyone else.

Today I have been trying to work...and find myself choking back tears. So afraid the flood is going to start and I just will not be able to stop them. How am I going to be able to take care of everyone else if I am a trainwreck? and the whole gambit of emotions seem to be at play for the last month.....anger, sadness, lonely. There seems to be no escape.

mswijiknyc's picture
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I have learned in the 3 months that Patrick has been gone that there are thing that are better out than in. That includes tears, rants, feeling like crap, and wanting to stay in bed all day (only happened once. I'm so proud of myself) Having family that needs taken care of I understand - I have a roommate that likes lights and hot water and is a bit of a bachelor and a landlord that is understanding but life keeps going.

If you try to stuff everything down, it WILL make you sick (have the bronchitis and swollen feet and ankles and hives to prove it). You have to let it out. Yes, it will get worse because nothing was hitting you when it happened, same as me. Let the floodgates down. If you don't the levy will break when you least expect it.

One foot in front of the other, one thing at a time.


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