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Support advice as someone I care about pushing me away.

LeanneM
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2011

I recently met someone and started seeing them for approximately couple months. About a month ago (just little longer) started feeling very sick and messaged me to inform me that he has cancer and said he would understand if I no longer was interested. Knowing this was not going to be an easy road and things were going to get tough I reassured him that I was going to be there in whatever aspect he wanted to support him and I would do what I could to support him through this long road. He was admitted and had his brother get him my number to call me to inform me was admitted. During the first few weeks in hospital I would go to visit and during that time met members of his family. He was affectionate (hugging me, kissing me, saying hun, babe) infront of family and in general. He went for surgery to remove the lymphnods in his neck and I saw him that night and he was in rough shape. That Wednesday I got a text message from him saying "can't do this right now and best of luck and take care". Needles to say I was hurt and upset. We ended up talking on the phone that night and he broke down saying not used to having one take care of him and nothing in his life ever ends right and didnt want to hurt or let me down (not knowing what would happen with "us" or in general". I distanced myself as he didn't want me to stop by if family was there. I would call once a week over past couple of weeks. Our conversations are very short as it seems never call at "right time". This past week I called and he was very upset that I called and woke him up and hung the phone up on me and then told me the other day when called it hurts to much to answer the phone (which I can understand sitting up). I am at a loss of what to do. Do I just back away from it all (which is going to hard as I care deeply for him and feel like I am invovled now) or is it ok to stop by maybe drop a card off. I don't know the family so not sure if thats an option to talk to them about situation. I don't want to add any extra stress for him at all!! I have told him that through this process "the relationship" is not important I am someone who cares as a friend. I am desperate for advice on what to do?? Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Needless to say I am scared and feel helpless not being able to do anything or knowing what to do.
Thank you

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I can't give you any real advice, but having been on these boards for awhile, I can tell you that you are not alone. I have read several posts concerning the same thing. Hopefully, someone who has been through a similar time can suggest something. It is not unusual for relationships to change with a cancer dx. Sadly, when cancer hits, some relationships can't weather the stress. Just know that this isn't really about you. Fay

minnie79
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2011

Hi Leanne,
How are you going? I'm in a similar situation to yourself. Could you please let me know how it's all going?
I met a guy 4 months ago and he was upfront about his cancer. He's 33 & has been dealing with lymphoma for a year. He also has 2 children to his ex wife. Everything was great for the first 2 months, even when he found out he had to have chemo again, he explained it all to me and it was fine. A week later he was a different person and wanted nothing to do with me until he was better. He was only supposed to have 2 lots of chemo with a 3 week gap in between, so I left him to it but sent him the odd text to make him laugh & know I was thinking about him. He thanked me for the texts and said they helped.
On the weekend just gone we met up at a pub in the city. Wasn't planned but we both were in the city at the same time. He looked good and said he was feeling good but the chemo he had been having wasn't working so he's gotta have a bone marrow transplant. I asked if I could do anything to help but he wants me to leave him to it as he's already got enough on his plate with his girls and he runs his own business. His family is also very supportive. I'm shattered as I care for him greatly and want to be there. I'm not normally an emotional person but I haven't been able to stop crying for 2 days. I want to call him and let him know I'm there but I know this will add pressure, and I don't want to do that. He said he can't give me anything (such as kids etc) and it's best I find someone else.
I don't want anyone else and I would like to help but have no idea how? I can't begin to imagine what he's going through.
Even if it's just as friend and someone to listen as he says I'm easy to talk to.
Could you or someone please give me some advice? Thank u in advance.

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